i caught a cold over the weekend. not surprising being that i am burning the candle at both ends and trying to get the middle started if possible. exhausted doesn’t cover it. stressed doesn’t cover it. someone make up a new word for just continuing to move in the forward direction.

the capo got out. my roommate jay has learned that cats are very clever animals. they can push windows open with their noses. he has been out since sunday. i sat in the door way for 3 hours last night. he almost came up to me. but he has pretty much gone feral and it is going to take many hours of just sitting behind the front door for him to come in for food. i hope he doesn’t starve to death first (and i am really glad this isn’t the dead of summer).

KS happened this weekend, and it was ok. it was also insanely exhausting. and i got really sick of the little things from all over the place. the team will be requesting help or shutting down the party. one of the problems with it being free, is we can’t bribe people to help. we’ll see how the list responds to our pleas.

i read an article that my friend mathew posted. all the single ladies. he posted it on G+ with the following comment: “No, gorgeous single women of my acquaintance, you aren’t imagining it.” assuming i fall into his gorgeous single women category (which i think i do), i find this article disturbing. and i am not sure i quite understand the main point. is it that our modern idea of marriage is unrealistic and wrong? is it that i am screwed because all the men left are broken? is that there is something wrong with me for wanting a partner? if, in fact, the new normal is to JUST have hook-ups and NOT have any dedicated relationships (notice i didn’t say monogamous), well, that does suck. i get their point about having intimacy with friends and extended family. looking to them for support (something i am trying to learn to do more). but your friends don’t always stay near by (or you don’t always stay near-by them, as in my case). partners, generally move with you. perhaps when i said to patrick that i wanted to be his wife but live in the flat next-door, i was expressing the desire for this not exclusive partnership. i agree with the article when it says getting too attached to your partner was discouraged in the past for good reason. and i certainly agree that the duel-wages with kids isolation isn’t good for society over-all (though totally necessary to have home in a safe place with safe transportation and such). and yet, i would still like a partner. some #1 person. because i don’t like the idea of shopping around for the support i desperately need, when i desperately need it. perhaps if we did live in commune types places, SOMEONE would be there? but would they know me that well? would it really be consoling? right now i am too busy to really feel the lack of a partner. i have a LOT on my plate and do have people i can go to when things get tough. and i am getting laid. so right now, the gorgeous single woman status isn’t such a big deal. but what about when i graduate? when i have free time again? when i want to go see a movie and it would nice to go with someone (not that my friends won’t go see movies with me, but you know what i mean). i got home at like 5:15 from the last KS. when i was finally crawling into bed, it started to rain. it sounded beautiful and i wished i had someone to share that moment with.

i am not sure where i am going with this discussion. the article was very thought provoking, and yet, i am not sure how to feel. i am not sure what i should be learning from this article. i liked being married. i like having a primary relationship. i think that i am way easier to date, in conventional ways, than most women (monogamy is not important, i really like my partners to have their own “worlds” (e.g., scooters, improv), i don’t need constant contact). but i also think i have intimate needs that i haven’t been able to express very well, or at the appropriate moments, that other women might not. or maybe they do. whatever. i just know that while i prefer the idea of dating whomever i want, i also prefer that to be combined with having someone of my own (though not only) to go home to.

am i doomed?