i need to take a course where i learn to take/be in photos. this outfit is SO hot! i got the t-shirt at the Blondie show last night.  very low cut. tried a bunch of different bra options and then remembered this basque i have had forever.  perfect!  except a bit of nipplage, if you look real close.  solution?  double sided sticky-tape!  it is unfortunate that no one really got to appreciate the outfit.  well, that isn’t exactly true.  i bumped into my friend monrovia at titaya tonight.  she was there with her new boyfriend (who is seriously cute!)  anyhow, it seems he saw me and described this very hot looking girl to monrovia.  monrovia, even after he mentioned the tail, didn’t realize it was me!  she asked what age the girl was, he said mid-20s.  she said the girl sounded more like a cougar.  guess she knows her cougar fashion better!  (do i really dress like a cougar?  i have always dressed like this.  does it become cougar dress just because of my age?)  still, i was terribly flattered and it was really funny.  of course, i should really be working on my pedi studying tonight.  oh well.

-i hate to admit it, by having reduced my diet coke consumption to 1 can or less a day, my “bumpy” thighs have vanished. i hate this reality.  dr korte (my frauen-artz in germany) was right

-i am sitting in the comedy traffic school room at cherrywood

-i have yet to find a scone recipe where they still taste good overnight

-i feel good about this GI exam on monday.

things are fine. i have a lot of studying to do for my test on monday. talked to my mom recently and she invalidated every emotion i shared with her. the term is finding a rhythm. i am still nervous about being a nurse. i don’t feel comfortable. and yes, i realize, i am totally new to this world, but i am also 42 years old and have seen a lot of things. it seems like i should be more calm about my new environment. i am provocative. i ask hard questions. doesn’t seem like this is appropriate for patients. then again, silly chit-chat doesn’t seem useful either. also, i don’t remember a fraction of what i have learned in these last 2 and a half years. dropping facts into my brain just doesn’t stick. i need to be able to relate it to something i already understand. i do notice that, as i learn new things, things i have learned before come up and make more sense. so, i am confident i am going the right direction. it just scare me i am going to make a mistake because i didn’t remember that a low TSH means the patient needs diet high in carbohydrates, protein, calories, vitamins, and minerals and the doctor prescribed a diabetic diet, but i didn’t catch the error, or at least question it. i want to give my patient’s the BEST nursing possible, and i just feel like i don’t have the facts to do that. mind you, i would totally be inclined to look everything up, until it starts to be second nature, but in texas at least, there is no limit to how many patient’s a nurse can have! i know i am smart. i know i care. i know i will make the effort. but i worry about having the facts and/or time to truly do it right. and YES, i KNOW i am new and i have to give myself a chance to learn. but so many of my classmates have this info stuck in their brains. it is there for the picking, as they need it. my skills are special. i am a special (and not in the short-bus way). but this IS life or death in some cases, and at least current health status, and i want to do it right. what i need is more exposure to the environment. now that my UI has completely ended, i could get a job. i wouldn’t be doing it for the money (i would have to work a ridiculous number of hours to make the same amount) but for the experience. though i fear taking time away from studying and maintaining sanity in general. what would it do to my stress level? what would it do to my grades. see, these are the moments i had a partner to reassure me. or at least brainstorm solutions. back to my GI test review… (generally though, i am doing fine)

my friend ross wrote me about the relationship thing and said that the good relationships were those based on mutual respect and love. that relationships based on shared interests often fail because one person’s interest in the uniting activity changes, and then they can’t relate. i totally agree with those statements. he went further to say that a teacher had remarked that week that men want respect and women want love. if a woman respects her man and a man expresses love for his woman, all is right. and i mostly agree with that. i think respect IS love to men. but i also wonder how women are supposed to express this respect. and doesn’t the experience of love vary widely for different women? for instance, if a man says that he loves me, i am highly skeptical. words aren’t love to me. action is. i see proactive interest as love (my therapist explained it slightly differently today, but i will get to that). so, i agreed with ross, but i want more detail. today i got it with my therapist.

the universal rule for a successful relationship is one of two things. first, find someone that has the same expectations for a relationship as you. by expectations i mean things like “we will do everything together” or “we will do a few things together” or “i want you to attend all my events” or “i want to share my experiences with you when i get home from my events”, etc. OR, two, you find someone that has different expectations than you but is willing to give you what you need, as you are willing to give them what they need. i realize that isn’t a very specific rule AND it means one most know, consciously, and in a manner that one can articulate, what one’s expectations are. which is no easy thing. not to mention actually finding that person. but i have been much more freaked out this week NOT knowing what to look for, than facing the possibility that i won’t be able to find it. i am very plan oriented and now i have a plan. these are action items i can work on while i try and find this person.

my original expectation of andreas was of a purely sexual relationship. though he expressed having the same expectation to start with, that changed at about the 6 month mark. i did not change that perspective until month 14 and i think the change may have been more a product of having been together so long, and having our experiences together increase to a point, i had to admit, more was going on. my expectations still didn’t change for like 6 more months. but i think it was too late then. it was too late for me to bring new expectations in. oh well. live and learn.

with Patrick, there were no discussions about expectations until couples counseling. but by then, i think the damage had been done. there are plenty of blogs about that.

so, what are my expectations? this is how my therapist explained it…i want to be known. i don’t need to attend everything with my partner. they don’t need to attend everything with me. but they DO have to want to know about my experiences and how i felt about the event. they have to be curious about me. they have to want to know me. that is my expectation. when i first started seeing andreas, on saturday night, i would go to Elysium, he would go see improv and then we would either meet for a snack at denny’s, then go home and have sex or i would go denny’s, then his house and we would have sex. i loved that. that was perfect for me. the quality time together was sharing our evenings, in retrospect, and then knowing each other sexually. this doesn’t mean i want to live such a separate life from my optimal partner. i would rather do things we both enjoy. but i would also like the freedom and agreement, to enjoy things separately. i expect communication, to be willing to process things and work it out. i expect respectful push back. there are some other things too. but the “interest and effort in knowing me” seems pretty key.

next task, how to explain this and then determine the answer with prospective partners. suggestions welcome!

is it having things in common? is it to have the safe belief system? should couples do everything together? have some things that are totally separate? do we have to have the same hobbies? or do we just have to participate?

with Patrick, i enjoyed scooters. i didn’t particularly like rallies. but i liked rides, as long as i wasn’t cold. which didn’t work real well in the bay area. we had music interest overlap, but not consensus. our sexual interests overlapped, but had differences. we thought basically the same way politically, which was actually sort of boring (we couldn’t really build on anything because our perspectives were the same). he loved shopping with me and had excellent taste in clothing. i really liked coming home and sharing with Patrick. i think he mostly enjoyed sharing with me. i would have liked if he had been more passionate about the music i loved, liked going to clubs. but i had friends i could do that with too.

andreas and i had little in common. mostly sex (which was exactly what i was looking for when I met him). improv was ok. further into the relationship he wanted to spend more time outdoors, which i totally respected. but it totally isn’t me. and that seemed like a problem to me. i would have liked to spend that time with him, but i just can’t do the sunny outdoors. so it was sort of like a difference in religion. it couldn’t be bridged.

with both Patrick and andreas we held creative parties together. that was extra special for me. it was creating something together. so perhaps that is another expectation on my part? that event aside, was it a problem that our interests were so different? that we didn’t have enough passions in common? i baked for a fundraiser at austin MOMA. andreas came but sort of stood off by himself and didn’t interact with anyone. this made me sad. i wanted him to share the fun. i brought it up at the counselor and andreas said he was subdued because he didn’t want to steal the limelight. that made no sense to me. what limelight? and how would he steal it at a baking event? he wasn’t himself that night. it felt like he didn’t want to be there. as though it bored him. and that reduced my enjoyment. now, i didn’t love improv. i found the majority of what i saw only mildly funny. but i engaged in it. the community became my friends too (which is now awkward). was my lack of interest in being an improviser (i am more scripted oriented) a huge problem in the relationship? to date an improviser, does one need to be an improviser? to have a satisfactory relationship how much “in common” is required? is my problem that i don’t date people like me? how on earth would i find someone like me? i am seriously quirky. my therapist says that, to build deep connections with friends, one needs to participate. seems like that would be the same with a partner. but how is that possible when your share your lives so much? is it a grin and bare-it situation? a trade off? i’d like to have my partner enjoy going to Elysium as much as i do. but is it required? basically, how does a couple need to overlap, interest-wise, to be successful?

why is it so hard for me to be single right now? the last time i was single was when i moved to austin. and i LIKED it that way. what is different now? sure, my life is significantly harder, yet somehow more satisfying. being an analyst was not satisfying.  i like what i am doing right now.  so why do i want someone to come home to SO badly?  i just really want to share with someone.  i know there are all sorts of people who care, and yet, no one who is MINE that cares.  does that matter so much?  perhaps part of it is the estrangement with my best friend.  though i do have some very close and terribly wonderful friends, she and i have been putting up with each other for 20 years.  it shakes one’s foundation.  maybe this is my mid-life crisis?  though i was sure i had that at 14 (wrote an essay on it even).  people often tell me how impressed they are with my strength.  that i just keep going.  but i really wouldn’t know what else TO do.  anyhow, i want to be able to come home and tell someone about my triumphs and tribulations for a particular day.  not to lay them on the other person, but to let them go.  too feel understood and then to fuck like bunnies (sorry sensitive ears). sure, there may be a time when i need to be carried. or at least helped along.  but seriously people, how often do you think that is with me?  i really think that if i receive some of the support that i have asked for, that i would be much better.  it would break the spiral of hurt.  as i understand, supporting someone is hard.  and yet, i don’t find it hard.  which isn’t to say i am perfect at it, but i don’t fear it.  i KEEP trying.  because what else are you supposed to do?  am i clueless and lots of people i have tried to help have wanted me to stop?  i have learned when something is a lost cause.  though that is usually reserved for religiously delusional people.  or hardcore male chauvinist pigs.  anyhow, i fear this new panic.  this weird yearning.  is this what i get for failing in my longterm relationships?  is this one of those, “see, it finally caught up with you, heather” things?  i have always been fine, home alone, with my belief system.  perhaps, something about the hear and now, is stronger than that belief system?  (don’t worry, i am not going to find god to have a primary).  is it weird that i need to process my goods and bads before i can let go and enjoy? this sense of need scares me (not the goods/bads thing, the wanting a partner thing).  i worry about the impact on my judgement.  i don’t think i am going to make anyone else miserable about it.  these are the cases where i try very hard to hide things.  but i worry about how miserable i will be.  i might go back to that crying in public thing.  that would’t be good.

my freshman year in college i was in a short for one of the guys who lived across the hall. i was a murdered girlfriend. now in my adulthood, i am a murdering girlfriend. he deserved it!

You weren’t in it.