So, my friend Jenna is dying of Stage 4 Colon cancer. I am too old to work night shift so am going to day shift and am just a bit nervous. While I fixed the “Cat detect fault” on my Litter Robot I still have the “Bonnet removed” problem. My two weeks of holiday were amazing. I am leaving Texas. Between the heat and the politics, I cannot take it anymore. Snape is happy in her new home. The new med I am taking for my anxiety is working. I had the absolutely, positively worse day last week. Let’s take these one at a time.
I worked at Christopher House with Jenna. I was there when he MD told her she had Stage 4 Colon cancer with mets to the liver. She told me I was part of her inner circle and she was going to try the chemo route first because I was there to help her. She was going in for her last chemo treatment and the labs showed her Bilirubin was high. They admitted her to the hospital. She messaged me to call. She said she had a CT and the tumor’s had stopped responding to the chemo and had grown significantly. Her Oncologist was going to talk to GI to see if there was anything that could be done to bring down her Bilirubin. You see, with her Bilirubin that high, it meant her body couldn’t process the chemo out. If her body couldn’t process the chemo out she would die from the chemo. So either her Bilirubin could be brought down or she had 3 months. She texted me later. She had 3 months. And it is SO weird! I have seen a lot of people die. I have seen a lot of young people die. But they weren’t my friend. One I hung out with. Jenna was going to stop existing in about 3 months. And it is just so hard to get your head around that. I don’t believe in a consciousness after death. Yes, energy is conserved, but we cease to think. So, in 3 months Jenna will just stop existing. How is that possible? How does that work? She moved to her sister’s house in the PNW to be out of the heat and with family for her last months. Her biggest worry is her dogs finding a home. It seems that may have been solved. I told her sister I would fly up and take shifts taking care of her when she becomes bedridden. I want to be there. But I am not sure how I will adjust to her not existing.
I am going to day shift. The lack of regular sleep and losing of precious time off is just too hard. I asked for a raise to offset the loss of shift diff. They gave me more than I asked for. That is nice. Hopefully, I will feel more even. Hopefully, my depression and anxiety will be improved. Hopefully, I won’t lose my mind working with doctors and families. Light a candle.
The Litter Robot thing is just annoying.
My two weeks holiday in California and Philadelphia were amazing! I don’t think I have ever taken two weeks off before. I was able to disconnect for nursing and politics for two weeks. I went to an amazing music festival. I visited my mom and Christine. I went to Philadelphia to see NIN with my playmate. It was amazing. See just a small portion of the phots below!
Being that my playmate and I have passed the one-year mark. And he told his mother. And he makes a great travel companion. I have been thinking about dating again. I feel like I have enough energy for it now. Of course, if I am leaving Texas within the year it sort of defeats the purpose. I mean, I won’t stay in Texas for them so why complicate my life? And what am I looking for in a partner? I don’t really want to live with anyone ever again. But it would be nice to sit on a couch and talk about work and friends and watch tv or read a book. I’d like them to come to my things. But not all of them. I was booth girl this weekend at the Oddities and Curiosities Expo. Would I have wanted them to come by? Yes. Would have been that important? Not really. I do want them to attend shows with me. I would like them to support me emotionally. How far? I am not sure. Certainly hold me when I am sad. Defend me when I cannot defend myself. Go on holiday together, but not every time is required. Listen to my dreams and fears. And I would do the same for them. Andreas had this thing about tit-for-tat. If something was important and I did it for him, he had to do it for me. But there were things I didn’t care about. But he just couldn’t handle that. I found it silly. Equality of paramount. But, that doesn’t mean we want or need all the same things. How do you figure that out?
I have started Ketamine for anxiety. It has helped a lot. There is a weird on hour (and I mean one hour, drops off very quickly) where I take a ride. The world moves around me. I have never been high before and this seems like what that is. But, like I said, it is gone within an hour. I just lay in my bed a read (no visual stuff happens). I do giggle a lot. Vertical is bad. My psychiatrist says that I look like a new person. Of course, I was leaving on holiday the day following my appointment, so I was quite happy. But I feel better too. Hopefully between that and day shift things will be more under control.
I believe I am moving to Philadelphia. I really enjoyed my visit (see photos above). Great architecture. An hour by train to NYC. Close to DC. Mass Transit! Lots of hospitals and medical centers. Seasons! I can afford to buy a new condo. The Muetter Museum! It will take about 5 months to get my license so it looks like moving next spring (seems foolish to move in the winter). I plan on contacting hospitals in the short term to see if they can speed up my license transfer. If that doesn’t work, I will visit again in September/October to research more about where I would like to work and where I would like to live. I will miss the best group of friends I have had in my life. The goth crowd here has been amazing. But I cannot stand Texas any longer.
Snape is living with my neighbor. Both my neighbor and Snape seem to be VERY happy. Snape just needed her own human. Gandalf is driving me nuts. The neediness is off the chain. Even Kyle commented on it when he was pet-sitting for me. I want to get her a kitten. The only thing is, every time I look at the Austin Animal Center website I get sad and want to adopt them all. See I am getting sad right now.
My day started with my car not starting (bought it in Oct). Then I had a rough set of pts. Then on my way home one of my front teeth fell out (it is a crown). I could not believe it. What did I do to you Universe?
Let’s end on a happy note. Shoes.
1 thought on “So many strings”
Looks like a great trip!