i am seeing covid pts now. i volunteered for the covid team on the home team side. i wear my PPE (and i am going to lose, like, 50 pounds from sweating). i take it off correctly. i isolate things in my car as much as possible. i take a shower the minute i walk through the door. i have a biohazard bag for my scrubs so they aren’t in my normal laundry. i use hand-sanitizer when i get in my car (even though i was wearing PPE) and when i walk though my front door. is it perfect? probably not. but it is as careful and i can be. i am comfortable with it. though i wear glasses, i am even wearing a face mask. the conversations are even harder. but it feels really good to help these families during these crazy times.

this week, i did have the first day since all this craziness started, that i felt sad and lonely home alone. i was sleep deprived. and, basically all i do is, work, bake and read. which isn’t much of a life. but also what SO many other people are struggling with. at least i get to go to work. it just makes me feel SO single. and trying to meet someone during a pandemic just seems like way too much work. but, you know, i am good at compartmentalizing and there is still a lot to do in american healthcare right now. (phoenix is offering $5200/wk for med-surg nurses to work in a covid ward. crazy, right?!)

strangely, i am not afraid of dying alone. as a nurse, a hospice nurse, i know my colleagues will surround me with support. but to die not having found love again is sort a bummer. but you cannot force it. and there is a pandemic. and i think my cats would be upset. even being home so much more they annoy the shit out of me wanting all my attention the minute i walk through the door. of course, snape did go to space yesterday.

i rearranged my living room. i needed to look at something different. but i don’t like it. but i need something different. that’s all.

we had zoom bookclub and it was awesome. it was a murder mystery that i had read. there is a reference to how important hats are to a perfect societal femme. so we all wore hats. i changed mine frequently. and i ended in a mob cap. which was also relevant to the story. it as a great get together. and considering how much i hate driving, i might ask to attend most book clubs this way in the future.

i have lost weight and gained strength during the pandemic. i even get up a little early and exercise (the vast majority of the time. but not everyday). i feel stronger and things fit better and better. dyed my own hair for the first time since college. my bathroom was totally black. i was able to get all of it up except a bit on some grout next to the sink. ultimately, i did a great job! i highly recommend the #madisonreed color. and their shampoo and conditioner are great too.

have i mentioned how much i love my new shower? i love it SO much. consist water temp is the shit! but now i really want to retile and change the counter. hm. i am working a lot of OT… (i know, i should save if, for some truly bizarre reason, i get laid–off and cannot find another job…but new tile!)

i haven’t won my signature red lipstick since March. i miss my style. i have picked up a couple of fabulous dresses on sale recently. perhaps i will get all fancy and take pictures so at least people know i have them.

blah.

i am down to just under 150lb. that means i have lost 13lbs since Lucy died and i ate everything in sight for 6 months. i cannot remember if i mentioned (and am too lazy to go back and look at previous blogs) that my psychiatrist put me on Adderall for depression. it has helped a ton and has the side benefit of helping me lose weight. 13lbs since April. i am sure if i exercised more i would lose it faster. more than anything i want my flat stomach back. i bet sit-ups would help ;>

i find myself really missing physical contact lately. not just hugs, but true holding. sex would be nice too. i have started a new book series where the main character is fiercely loyal. he loves someone he has previously been with but cannot anymore, and yet remains loyal. some may find it foolish, but i appreciate someone knowing themselves. knowing that they cannot give themselves to someone else completely, so not being wiling to offer less than everything. i don’t want someone to be miserable because they love me but something keeps us apart, i just want someone loyal to me. my birthday proved there are people who love me fiercely, who care about me, who want to celebrate my birth. who are willing to take the time out of their lives to spend my birthday with me. but no one wants me. no one has stayed loyal to their love for me. i think everyone should have that.

as soon as the new year starts, as soon as i have a pre-tax health care account balance again, i am going to start seeing my grief therapist again. i just cannot afford it right now. if someone wanted to anonymously pay off my unsecured debt, then i could afford it. that not being a realistic possibility (i got myself into this, i will get myself out) i gotta wait until January.

i have started to talk to Lucy, it started the day after San Le Muerte. had she been there, had she still been alive, she would have been totally happy and totally hung over. i got up late that day and started talk about how we would have talk endlessly about how brilliant it was and how the music with amazing. how she would have left that afternoon to meet with Alecs for a hair of the dog session. how happy were both were because of our awesome lives. though i wasn’t number 1 in her life, though i never would have been, Lucy was loyal to me. we were a team. i like talking to her.

Snape still hasn’t accepted her new sister Obi Wan. we tried sharing the whole place but it didn’t work. now Obi Wan has something wrong with her hips or back legs. they give out or start going the opposite direction as the rest of her body. a trip to the emergency vet and $609 later (visit, labs and X-ray), there is no clear cause. i don’t really want to take my cat to a feline neurologist and the $4000-$5000 MRI is out of the question. i hope it is just a temporary malady. her energy level is back and that is good. an extra shift will cover that vet visit. thank goodness i keep an emergency credit card around. here is me and Obi Wan snuggling last night. (she likes to like noses, she was just turning her head to like my nose)

my last day as a homecare nurse at HA is friday.  the last number of weeks have been really good, actually.  i have only had 12 pts and they have been pretty stable.  it is a job i could do.  and i told my boss that.  well, in a staff mtg we were talking about caseload and i said that things are manageable at 12 and all my coworkers, who have more than that, agreed.  anyhow.  my stress level is way down now.  the kitties are gone.  optimus went to live with my friend holly and the capo went back to APA.  as long as i don’t think about him being alone in a cage wondering where his mommie is, i am fine.  but i think that, i start to cry.  like now. ross helped me take him to APA.  i took his toys and his food.  i showed the people that worked there all the stuff and then just fell apart.  i miss him, but my stress is so much better.  thank goodness i never had children.

baby steps.

took the popcorn off the ceiling of my bedroom, sanded it down, primed it and did two coats of red paint.  looks awesome.  my friend mark helped me.  he spent his entire weekend helping me.  he is nice like that.  he also wants to date me.  i feel guilty for sucking up his weekend and but SO appreciated his help.  i did rewire my ceiling lamp all myself.  was pretty proud of that (it is easy though).

i’d like to make plans for the holiday, but i have no idea what my schedule is going to be.  my “little sister” chelsea is coming to visit for christmas to new year’s.  i hope i have a bunch of time off.

perhaps i will take a long weekend and go visit a friend or two in CA.  i’d like a holiday.

my stress is better, even if my guilt seems to pile on more and more everyday.