Heather's Hair http://heathershair.com Welcome to the chronicle of my hair, Heather's Hair. Tue, 22 May 2018 03:29:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.6 some very nice things http://heathershair.com/2018/05/22/some-very-nice-things/ http://heathershair.com/2018/05/22/some-very-nice-things/#respond Tue, 22 May 2018 03:29:25 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1708 Continue reading some very nice things ]]> i’ve had a few friends send me very nice messages lately. one who empathized with my loneliness, and while realizing being told you are awesome doesn’t make it go away, still told me i was valued. another friend was stressed at a conference but when the presenter reminded her of me, she said she was suddenly comfortable. aren’t those cool?

had a great bookclub. the strange case of the alchemist’s daughter. we always start bookclub with with Ross asking, “So, <bookclub host> why did you pick this book?” funny thing was, i couldn’t remember why i read the book. i picked it for bookclub because i enjoyed it so much. which counts, i suppose. not everyone had time to read it, because it was only like 3 weeks from our last meeting because of my work schedule. those that did really enjoyed it. i was asked if i related with any other the characters. “do any of the fatherly relationships remind me of my dad?” then i told them my ultimate dad story. some already knew, some were shocked.  there was a lot of silence (i am referring to the accidental dick pic incident). and i made my standard comment, hearing things has got to help people understand why i am the way i am.

my boss gave notice. i like holly. i think she is a GREAT nurse. i don’t think she is an effective manager for that environment. i pushed back hard because we needed a leader to help improve our work and work environment. for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to do that. she went back on promises on too many occasions. all of HA mgmt has. a few people have already asked if i will apply for the job. i’d love to be a full-time “charge” nurse. deal with staffing, help with admit/discharge, work on processes, etc. but i am not a good direct people manager (and probably can’t afford the pay cut). i want to help in the best way for me to help. i’ll talk to leanne on friday, i suppose.

planning my new ikea kitchen is challenging. the app lost my updates. i think i just need to wait for the summer sale and go in to get help directly.

tomorrow is a free day. going to lunch, going to get pedicure, going to donate platelets. a day.

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my therapist is worried http://heathershair.com/2018/05/04/my-therapist-is-worried/ http://heathershair.com/2018/05/04/my-therapist-is-worried/#comments Fri, 04 May 2018 04:47:01 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1705 Continue reading my therapist is worried ]]> so, at my last sit down with my therapist she asked how i was. i said lonely. i am sad because i feel lonely. she replied “we’ve got to do something about this. Loneliness kills.” and i replied, “yes, i read that research article too.”

Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review

the problem is several things that build on themselves. i have a lot of monthly payments i have to make. which means i have to work a lot. which means i don’t get a lot of sleep. which means i don’t feel very good. which means i am not enthusiastic about dating. (and i still miss the boy).

it isn’t just dating though. i don’t have any close friends, really. i spend time with and talk with my friend Mathew pretty regularly (he is a regular reader) but he is married. my friend Stacy and i have started to do more things together. (note to self: do NOT forget the winter coat for HMart on saturday). i like some of my coworkers quite a bit. but they are married (or divorcing) with kids. with the recent struggles i have had, i have wanted to call someone. talk about what is happening. but i have no one to call. at least one i feel close to. whom i know values me as i value them. that is why this can’t be a boytoy or a playmate. i am not even sure it could be someone i was sleeping with. yeah, yeah, i have the body of a woman much younger than i am. blah, blah, blah. doesn’t keep me warm at night.

i do still enjoy dressing up though.

it’s late. i am tired. i should go to sleep.

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it is getting heavy http://heathershair.com/2018/04/28/it-is-getting-heavy/ http://heathershair.com/2018/04/28/it-is-getting-heavy/#respond Sat, 28 Apr 2018 05:17:59 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1702 Continue reading it is getting heavy ]]> the sad are super strong tonight. my refi fell apart for some reason. last week they said all my stuff is fine, this week it isn’t. it would have REALLY taken a lot of pressure off me to refi. now that worry plus the singleness are still heavy.

i have been going out more. went to a book signing with my FAVORITE author, Christopher Moore. he signed “blessings!” in my copy of Lamb.

went to book club tonight. go to see the goths. i like them. they are all married.

work work work. which will have to continue, until i can dig out of this financial position. life. but i’d rather be dating.

suppose to start my cat dress tomorrow with rosie. just want to hide in bed. not enough sleep will happen. i think i may send a note saying i have to start later. must go to bank, then i can sleep a little more. want to get pattern and fabric cut tomorrow. more than that is probably asking for too much frustration.

i was exchanging emails with my psychiatrist about changes in my meds. in my last email i said what i wanted to try. no reply so far.

seriously?

going to read some romantic female and lead detective story before bed. i think i might start crying again (no this minute, just in general).

new nurse cat tattoo is finished.  and amazing.


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time http://heathershair.com/2018/04/17/time-2/ http://heathershair.com/2018/04/17/time-2/#respond Tue, 17 Apr 2018 04:32:11 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1700 Continue reading time ]]> i think, as we get older, this is the thing we start to run out of. the thing that makes us panic. it isn’t exactly money we are worried about, it is having enough of it when we need it. time again. being single? time. time is running out not to be single. i had a nice weekend. worked half day on friday, went to The Dinner Party event for 20- and 30-somethings that have lost someone close to them. then i went to a girls night, that was weird. next day to Hmart, had coffee, hung around. went to the store with lucy. i went to the going away party of one of our older, and beloved neighbors. sunday i did laundry, had more coffee, picked up drugs (from the pharmacy). then went to elysium to see my friend Luna who had moved to CO. for her job.  it meant i had 4 hours, max, sleep before work today, but it was totally worth it. reminded ben he needs to find me a boyfriend. but then back to work today. crazy day. so busy. didn’t leave until 9pm.

weird time thought tonight though. i got a new facial soap product and though i do think my skin looks brighter, i am getting pimples (not really hard, painful ones like i did as a teen, just bumps). so i thought to myself: i’ll use the aveeno in the shower (old product) and then new one before bed. but that assumes i have time. i didn’t eat dinner until 10pm tonight. if i had to go to work tomorrow, i wouldn’t have taken the time to wash my face because i would be trying to do the minimum things necessary to get to bed as fast as possible. not enough time. perhaps, if i were a more perfect nurse, i’d have had my charting done at 7:15pm. but i get up and help people a lot and spent 3 hours on something i shouldn’t have had to spend 3 hours on today. which reminds me i am running out of time.

the difficulties of midlife is not money or status, it is time. never having enough time.

(still thought of him today. sheesh.)

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ben still hasn’t found me a boyfriend http://heathershair.com/2018/04/16/ben-still-hasnt-found-me-a-boyfriend/ http://heathershair.com/2018/04/16/ben-still-hasnt-found-me-a-boyfriend/#respond Mon, 16 Apr 2018 05:37:24 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1698 Continue reading ben still hasn’t found me a boyfriend ]]> he says he is working on it. some great songs on the dance floor make it almost possible to not be quite so sad. not feel quite so lonely. i think i need to try harder to get myself to 80s night. Ça Plane Pour Moi made my night. nothing like a little inappropriate french punk to make you feel good. kids today, their music doesn’t have the nihilism 80s New Wave did. ah, the cold war, it was so simple.

still REALLY miss the boy. still think of him every day. still wish he would message me that he’s made a terrible mistake and i am the awesome he is looking for. how long does it take to stop feeling heart hurt?

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the sads are strong http://heathershair.com/2018/04/09/the-sads-are-strong/ http://heathershair.com/2018/04/09/the-sads-are-strong/#respond Mon, 09 Apr 2018 02:50:11 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1696 Continue reading the sads are strong ]]> yeah, i am sad. and lonely. i suppose this is me getting over the boy. i offered some encouragement after one of his posts (told FB i didn’t want to see them, but whatever…) at the end i reminded him he was awesome and replied “So are you. Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it”. ouch. yeah, you HAD someone who fully appreciated it. me. yeah, that hurt. a lot. i composed a reply after a number of days:

“My therapist is trying to teach me to give feedback when I feel hurt. This hurt: “Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it.” You had someone who fully appreciated it. Me. Totally understandable that you didn’t feel the same way. Seriously, that is how life goes. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. I don’t fault you at all (really, really) for not feeling about me the way I feel about you. But to hear you say, “we’ll find people” just hurt very much. I am people. I had wanted to support you when I thought you were sad about trying to reconnect with people. But then I felt sad.

In my fantasies you change your mind and fall madly in love with me. Fantasies being what they are, I think I should go back to the social boundary you talked about earlier. I am not going to pretend you don’t exist, but I am going to try really hard to be more careful with my reflex to automatically try and help people when I think they are sad.”

his reply was somewhat vague. tone is hard online. but man, am i sad now. i went to see OMD on Friday night with, basically, all my friends. i was the single one. it was like flashback high school only i don’t have anyone to share it with. everyone i was there with has a partner. it just made me feel SO sad. i have two tickets to see NIN in Vegas in June. it is the middle of the week. i am definitely going. i fear i am going alone.

yeah, well, i have been trying to find dates online. someone interesting conversations. but none have gone anywhere. work is slow so i can’t distract myself there either (though, today, i did have a family member come up to me in a grocery store and hug me three times). refinancing my condo, taking some cash out to pay some debt. that will make things easier, less stressful. but i did buy a $200 duvet cover with skulls arranged in the shape of hearts.

i’ll keep trying. i am just really sad.

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cars http://heathershair.com/2018/03/26/cars/ http://heathershair.com/2018/03/26/cars/#respond Mon, 26 Mar 2018 01:38:23 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1694 Continue reading cars ]]> gary numan was right. it’s odd how safe i feel in my car. i am insulted from the world around me, without being out of it.

i took an s-bahn home one night. i was listening to Radiohead (probably pyramid song) on my noise reduction headset. it was quiet except for the music in my ears. i sat at a window and it was beautiful. me, the music and all the people and places i couldn’t hear. i was alone inside of everything. it was wonderful.

i feel like that in my car on the way home from work a lot. doesn’t generally happen if i am just doing errands. but if i am coming home from something, a show, a movie, something that is the end of my day and i am going home to sleep, it is perfect. all these things going on around me. but with me, it is only me, the music and my car. it feels great. it is a really wonderful peace.

that would be nice to have in other places. but, would it ruin the specialness of it? or is that meditation. i’d just like to drive around in my car more and feel safe. thanks gary.

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i started this post and then stopped for some reason… http://heathershair.com/2018/03/15/i-started-this-post-and-then-stopped-for-some-reason/ http://heathershair.com/2018/03/15/i-started-this-post-and-then-stopped-for-some-reason/#respond Thu, 15 Mar 2018 03:22:35 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1692 Continue reading i started this post and then stopped for some reason… ]]> (what was already written)

yeah, i have just been really sad lately. just not a lot of happy things in my life. boy problems. roommate problems. working too much. tummy PROBLEMS!

i talked with my psychiatrist today (was awhile ago now). we are going to split one of my meds between 12 hrs and he told me about another type of therapy: dialectical behavioral therapy. the med change is because of my tummy (see previous post about BRAT diet). DBT, he believes, will help me learn to deal with people that REALLY annoy me and the like. i tried it. it felt like finding coping mechanisms for not dealing with it, to not be annoyed, but not to fix anything. yeah, i am not the cover it up and distract myself type. i want to work things out. also, the others in the group, i could not relate at all. they had children. their problems are SO different than mine. we had to keep a journal of sorts. we gave numbers, 1-5, 5 being the worst, on feelings like anger, empty/alone, frustration, physically bad. there were 12 and a “fill it in” item (i always wrote “tired and it was always 5). we were also suppose to fill out something about what happened each day. something good, or significant. anyhow, she would take a quick look and then ask what “skills” i used in the last week. anyhow…it was not feeling right.

i went to my therapist and she didn’t think it was right for me either. apparently my psychiatrist uses that therapy a lot. anyhow. i cried at my therapists a lot. i split with the boy (more on that below). my roommate is a great roommate but not a very good friend. i work VERY hard at work. i do it to make things better for the patients, ultimately. i enjoy the organization. and i work with at least one REALLY unpleasant coworker. my boss is so anti-confrontational that things don’t get fixed. the doctors suck. she says i need less flakey people in my life. but i don’t know how to do that. i think this next week we are going to talk about that.

the boy. well, we were suppose to meet after the goth ball. i had a wonderful outfit. (i will try and start posting more outfits. i have a lot, actually). we had talked earlier in the week. he said he had a movie during the day, but we could meet after the ball. i always knew that i came second. his “friends” (the people he works with) come first. but, i hadn’t heard from him all day. at midnight i texted that the ball was lovely. he replied that he was glad. he was at an impromptu, belated game night/birthday party at a coworker’s house (the brother of the coworker he is obsessed with). and that, was it. he forgot me. all he had to do was text me that he got invited out and wouldn’t get home until well after the ball.  that’s it. i would have been fine with that. but he didn’t. ***I*** had to text him to find out he wouldn’t be available. i can’t except that. i will not allow myself to be disrespected in that way. and when i did message him later that night, i told him he had hurt me the worst possible way, he forgot me.

i was going to tell him on thursday when were to next hang out, but i didn’t get out of the office until really late and it was a VERY emotional day. so, the next day, i left a card on his front door. it said i had wanted to do this in person the previous night, but the day was too much. i said, “i am done. i can’t do this anymore. i am going to miss you SO much.” (it was a halloween card too). amusingly, he came home early from work because he went to the eye doctor. he messaged me on FB. said he understood. i told him i was VERY happy to help him organize/redecorate. he replied that he was sorry he couldn’t offer me what i have been offering him (the boy needs to see a therapist BADLY). i told him i would be happy to go to dinner or have coffee, but that he had to ask me. his reply was, “OK. We should probably wait a while to rebuild some distance. You know I suck at keeping safe boundaries.” which is funny, because it suggests he would obsess over me like the girl at work. or something. i don’t know. but it HURTS. he is really the first boy i ever WANTED to date. i loved being married, but let’s be honest, it happened by accident. after marriage was playmates that got out of hand, but him, David, is someone i looked at and really wanted to be a partner with.

and i know this happens everyday, to all sorts of people. but i wish, my firs time out, i might have had some luck finding someone that wanted to date me back. that was Feb 26th. so far, no days without thinking about him. wishing he would see the error of his ways and how awesome we could be. but i am trying to work through that. that will DEFINITELY be something that i talk to my therapist about next week.

yeah, i have been sad. but i am trying to find good people to be with instead.

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what to say http://heathershair.com/2018/02/17/what-to-say/ http://heathershair.com/2018/02/17/what-to-say/#respond Sat, 17 Feb 2018 02:56:22 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1689 Continue reading what to say ]]> i think i used to be REALLY busy. but i can’t figure out with what. perhaps it is simply that i have not been working 4-5 days a week. or that my days off have been in a row. it’s nice. i worry about money, but the downtime is nice. not feeling rushed or physically overwhelmed. perhaps this is what comfort and contentment really feels like? or maybe it is the meds.

i continue to hang out with the boy. i really like him. i just enjoy his company. the sex is quite nice as well. but we are just spinning in place. spent the most of a weekend together and didn’t have sex once. which was weird (and a little disappointing). it seems i have inspired him to make some changes around the house. an armoire, a buffet (sideboard) and a new big chill fridge have been purchased recently. this was after the couch. he seems to be taking more control of his life since we started hanging out. i have seen this happen with people i hang out with before. part of me thinks it is just having someone intimate that causes you to reflect. but i have seen it in female friends too. perhaps my activity level makes people feel lazy and they have to do more? which i don’t agree with. anyhow, it is terribly cute to hear him talk about how things will work. we talked about colors to paint the kitchen after the fridge arrives. it was nice.

i went to see Trevor Noah and The Liberal Rednecks WellRED tour. both awesome. we have comedy festival here every april. i have thought about getting passes but it seemed like a lot for comedy. laughing is good for people right know though. i often wonder whether this feeling of fear and disaster i walk around with is how conservatives felt while Obama was president? we weren’t unnecessarily taunting north korea, but we weren’t fighting them either. the Obama administration, and specifically the president and his family had NOT ONE scandal during their entire 8 years. it’s hard to understand how conservatives can feel better with Trump. i asked my conservative coworker that hated Obama if she thought Trump was “stable” and a “genius”. she wouldn’t look at me, but she said “I do think he is stable and a genius”. *sigh*

random minutia:
-i am behind on my book reading goal for the year
-i love my cleaning lady
-been going to the gym on my days off
-AH!

i have been experimenting with food. went on the BRAT diet to try and stop food from flying out of my body. haven’t been sick since last Sunday (started Monday). but haven’t eaten much. did have BBQ (no problem) and Sushi (little effect). had an Amy’s cheese burrito with beans and corn. no pain but some pressure. i am really afraid it is breakfast tacos. i know sugar is a problem. to be blunt, soon after imbibing in sugar, i get gas-y. like FAST. but, as we have talked about before, i work in health care. sugar abounds! i want to add more foods but i don’t know what to add. i need to start getting more protein. but how? some friends have suggested soylent, but i really want to eat food, food. lucy contemplated greasy foods being the issue. kyle suggested my gal bladder. it all started with the meds. can’t go off the meds yet. or then we have an entirely different problem. i have gone below 140, which i have wanted for a long time, but it won’t last and my body is going to start saying, “er, we need more food so we are just going to slow that metabolism WAY down”. it would be nice to be able to eat like normal people.

damn, i am middle aged.

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playmates http://heathershair.com/2018/01/03/playmates/ http://heathershair.com/2018/01/03/playmates/#respond Wed, 03 Jan 2018 03:31:41 +0000 http://heathershair.com/?p=1676 Continue reading playmates ]]> rules as i recently explained them. to the boy (see previous post)

-playmates isn’t for everyone

-don’t spend the night (encourages deep connection) (this is the rule i have broken TOO many times in the past)

-respect is the most important need/trait in the relationship

-there is NO owing someone play. if either party isn’t feeling it, they just aren’t. no need/reason/expectation to explain.

-the sex has to be good (which is an odd rule to check for compliance, but you know what i mean)

-if one party is starting to feel too attached, they should tell the other party and then mutually decide what to do (reinforce rules, stop being playmates, limit contact, lots of options)

-neither party is required to share any more of themselves than their body (and associated brain, er, activity, for the maximum sexual experience).

-we are not machines, sometimes we may find ourselves feeing very emotional while with our playmate. in those cases either party can decide to stop playing at that time. as to what is shared in that moment, it is situational and up to the individuals at that time. just remember rule #1 is respect.

any other suggestions? he is just so darn cute!

worked christmas and it was beautiful. a pt passed and i called the family (he was 92 yr old). the daughter said, “oh, we were planning on coming down for lunch” (we served a christmas lunch for patients and families). i encouraged her to come anyway. she and her husband and her brother came. and it was really beautiful. i explained how there were three of us in the room holding his hands and stroking his hair. it was a calm death. a good death. there was crying and i apologized, well, gave sympathy, that is happened on christmas. the son seemed to have the hardest time with that. we ate lunch together. there were a bunch of people to talk to. families relating. i suggested, if next year is really hard, come down and see us. we’d love to have you. they left a peace with dad’s death. and THAT is why i am a hospice nurse.

 ***begin sarcasm*** NYE was a swinging time***/end sarcasm*** i slept in. i had lunch with kyle, we went and read books at circa. then i went home and sewed. i fixed 5 bras and made 4 shirts. i listened to A LOT of “wait, wait don’t tell me”. my podcast backlog had gotten out of hand. i ALMOST finished before midnight. but then my stupid machine kept eating my bobbin, grrr, grrr, grrr. so i finished at 1am.

just sort of waiting for work to start again. i spoke with my boss today and explained that i felt i worked harder and stepped up more than almost all the nurses.  even if i am not charge, they come to me with IT, Suncoast, med issues. and i don’t mind helping. i am a helper. but when disaster strikes, which it did twice in the last two weeks, i stepped up and solved the problem. one day, when we had a horrible med issue, i jumped right in and two of the staff members said “what would have done without you today?” i was flattered and honored. no reason we can’t fix things. ANYHOW, my boss can do NOTHING about my pay so i asked for a 4th shift. i have a scheduled 4th shift every pay period. it was sort of easy because we have gaps on day shift. also, i know i will be first called off those weeks. but i appreciated the acknowledgment of my efforts and agreeing to do what can be done to reward my effort.

yeah, i still blog sometimes.

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