my best friend once explained her experience with depression as a wave. she said one minute she was fine and then next a wave of sadness overcame her. that isn’t how it feels to me. everything is just so hard. everything i have to do, all my responsibilities just feel like so much weight. i am so tired of having to keep all the balls up in the air. and on top of it, i have gained 20 lbs and my body feels like the enemy and i can’t stop eating. and i have this american express bill that is just completely out of control. i want to pay everything but it leaves me with nothing. i have a new cat. her name is snape. she and gandalf aren’t getting along quite yet. i think snape is sick. i can’t afford a sick cat. what do i do? i don’t want to default on my responsibilities, but i am so at the end of my ability to cope. tonight i did finally cry. i cried because when i got out of work, after 15 1/2 hours, my tire was flat. and then the air machine didn’t work. and someone i hoped would help me, that just isn’t his instinct.
i exchanged mails with patrick around the election. we always do. but it made me so sad this time. because i am so alone. he isn’t alone. i have no idea what his life is like, but he isn’t alone. sure, my friends would help. but with what? no one can take over my life for a month or two and keep me moving. the person who is suppose to help me only accused me of trying to treat my depression without medical help. which was not the case. if i fall apart completely. if i end up having to hide, or not go to work, it all gets worse. more things go wrong. i have dealt with many stresses in life. but now i just don’t have the…something. i am not even sure what it is. it doesn’t feel like strength or will. i do still get up and go to work. i haven’t just stopped and given up. but something feels different inside.
my roommate lied to me yesterday. i came home and said i was worried about the polls, we were losing. she insisted that it was too early (i got home at 9ish). i then asked if she had voted. she said “yeah, yesterday.” i went to bed and then i remembered. the polls in texas weren’t open monday. early voting closed friday. so i walked to her room and said “you didn’t vote yesterday, the polls were closed. early voting ended friday.” she looked away and said “oh”. and that hurt SO much. why did she lie? sure, i am disappointed, if texas had gone blue we would have won. but the lie, the lie hurt the most. in the morning she apologized, said she regretted it as soon as she said it. i told her the lie really hurt. she said she was sorry. but everything is just so hard.
at work, i see these families that are so supportive. so close. wanting what is best for their lived one who is dying. it is one of the top things i love about my job. meeting all these wonderful families. i tell them, my family isn’t close, it is wonderful to see such love.i really love my job. the organization is seriously fucked up, but i love my job. but is it too much? the work that truly brings me a sense of accomplishment, can i not take it because the organization is so fucked up? i want this to be my place.
there is more but i am tired. i have an appointment next week with a new GP to see about going on anti-depressants. i hope i don’t gain more weight.
i woke up at 0415 this morning to go pee. which is quite an ordeal in my waist cincher and spanx. then i went back to sleep and had a horrible nightmare. it tainted my entire day. it has tainted my psyche. i dreamt i was in trouble, i was hurt and i was sick and i was dying and i had nowhere to turn. i woke up SO alone. and i can’t shake it. i connect with people at work. i have a charmed life in SO many ways. i have people who care for me so much. but i feel SO alone. (then i weighed myself. why on earth did i do that? i weighed 152 lbs. that is the most i have ever weighed ever. why did i do that?) and i can NOT shake this. i am doubting everything. (and my cat is mad at me because she is attention deficit cat) is the joy i feel really joy? how distorted is my reality? what is happening to my body? i wrote an essay in high school titled “midlife crisis at 14” because of my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s codependency. but maybe what i am feeling now is really a midlife crisis? perhaps this is how people find good? or join holy orders? or burn out? or disappear? i get to help people everyday. i save live’s with my blood which i can totally give away no problem. i have a great cat (even if she is attention deficit). i am healthy if not getting larger. so why do i feel so isolated? so wrong? i am doing the right things. the good things. but, something just doesn’t seem ok.
blog, i appreciate you letting me complain. i realize that is almost all i do with your these days, but it helps.
tonight i spent the evening on the couch. today was my “friday”, i am off for the next two days (and donating platelets!). roommate was out with her man. gandalf and i chilled. binge watched “criminal minds”, as we do. paid some bills. went through some documents. filed. it was lovely. it might have been nice to have someone here with me. but after dealing with dying people all week, alone is pretty nice.
i miss kyle, i like him a lot. but i think it is a little like reminiscing about my marriage. i miss the awesome times patrick and i were totally being awesome together. but that isn’t all of it and you can’t just expect it to be all feel good. cause there are issues and i know it. anyhow…
i am thinking that, at this age, with my life the way it is, maybe lover and boy toys are the best thing for me. sure, i would like a really partner. but i am just not convinced it would work. i need a lot of me time. sean and i talked at dinner this week and he said he wanted someone that didn’t need to be together all the time. i LOVE coming home and hiding in my bed with a book. i don’t want to have to worry about someones feelings in that regard. yeah, yeah, yeah, my last two long-term playmates have ended up pseudo boyfriends. but, it a way, i think even that was easier. and i am hoping i can stick to my guns better (might put a sticky on my bathroom mirror to remind me). it WOULD be nice to have a date to events. but, besides weddings, i do things well on my own. it is like morrissey says..i need to be loved…only maybe it isn’t JUST like everybody else does. or maybe i have the secret that eluded morrissey. i shall, in the most cliche manner, speak with my therapist before starting to look for a new playmate. i must say, i feel more hope about this than finding a boyfriend.
which was a mistake. it was 11p-7a. my team was cliquey and i had way too much time to think.
saw Lawrence of Arabia in 70mm yesterday. it was amazing. i’d forgotten half the film. lawrence was crazy and his death TOTALLY ironic. but damn, he was great.
saw it with a friend i have considered in the past. he is a processor like me. always a pleasure to talk to. but i’ve always felt there was something off. still feel it.
haven’t been excited about a boy in years. you know, the tingly “will he call” feeling. i’ve asked this before, is that a product of age or not meeting the right person. don’t get me wrong, i REALLY like kyle. but it just takes too much. sean and i talked about whether we grow older and lose the ability to be flexible, to compromise, to put up with things. or is it statistics? smaller pool of candidates. do we get into things easier when younger and the inertia to get out is too weak? am i one of those people with incredible inertia? or does the strength to avoid things get better as we grow older? whatever it is, i am single. and lonely. i’m awesome, but i am lonely.
i am working a lot in the next 4 weeks. good way to avoid. good way to dig out. good way to fund my oct medical procedure.
went to the gym saturday. it hurts to breath deeply. i’ll go back today, hope to warm the muscles to a level of comfort. snuggle with my cat first.
i got a strange phone call last night. it was from a playmate from college. i think i have spoken to him once prior to now, since college. and i think that was texting on fb or something. he called me because he had just talked on the phone with the boy who introduced me to him. another one of my playmates in college. we had a threesome even. this was a boy sorta of dating someone else. and then he was engaged to her. when they were sort of dating, we played. when he told me they were engaged, i told him i would’t play with him anymore. but i could have had him. he had a tumultuous childhood and even ran away from home at one point. but he had this insane sense of responsibility/accountability. but he wanted to break out. he wanted to grab his youth and i was the symbol of that. i was the debaucherous and adventurous potential girlfriend. as with so many since, i asked for nothing and represented fun. but he was engaged. i couldn’t possibly interfere with that. i think i could have taken him. but that would have been wrong. at the same time, he was one that got away. one i wanted to try with. this call upset me. after splitting with kyle, this lost relationship. it was upsetting. it made me feel more disconnected and alone. i didn’t like it.
tonight i listed to one of the bands i am not seeing this weekend. skunk anansie. the song is tracey’s flaw. it is about a woman who uses a man. goes back when things are bad for her. for some reason, i have always been afraid to be that person. i think it is hypocrisy. there is NOTHING i hate more than a hypocrite. childhood, blah blah blah. anyhow. tracy’s flaw is that she goes back to this man who loves her so much, when she needs him, but abuses that love when it suites her. i cheated on my first boyfriend, my boyfriend in high school. and i never wanted to do that again. be a hypocrite. did i not give myself the chance though? do you have to fight for it sometimes? does that mean you aren’t a hypocrite but someone trying to get their needs met? i still think we have to get what we want fairly. but what haven’t i gotten as a result? or what has my flawed logic meant to my happiness?
i am getting a custom made murphy bed made. it is going to be super goth. but the creator has taken a fancy to me. how do i do this? i had a patient’s son make a comment about how unique i look at work today. i want to be me. i don’t want to follow trends, i want to set them (thank you Adam Ant). but i don’t like this level of attention. i don’t know what to do.
i want a boyfriend. i want one that cares for me deeply, but understands my work is everything. that it isn’t personal when i get home late. who is flexible, but lives up to agreements. my agreement is i will be home from work as soon as i can. things change, i understand and respect that, but don’t just drop me. i give a lot, but i need flexibility. should that be so hard? i’m awesome.
my hair is so long the only way to really manage it is to braid it everyday. but i don’t really have time. i really need that personal assistant now more than ever.
tonight i have stayed home to comfort myself. nachos. sat in the throne. cat at my side. milka chocolate. but i am still sad. i was going through the photos on my iPad cause there were duplicates. and there were photos of kyle. he has a great photo face. there is a photo of him with gandalf too. she misses him. at least she is super attention deficit. anyhow, just expressing.
i am really torn about my trip next week. i have NO problem hanging around NYC by myself. but i don’t want to go to the festival alone. on the other hand, i am afraid i will just spend all of next week alone. because i don’t have any close connections right now. of course, it is my lifestyle that does this to me. anyhow, i’ll maybe read some books and pick up some shifts. i feel connected working. but i need to make sure that does not become my only existence. i know nurses like that. they are great people but it is not good.
basically i feel content inside. but it feels odd too. so maybe i am misinterpretting something? or maybe i just don’t know what it feels like to be content? or maybe this is middle age? or midlife crisis? i am worried. but my therapist (how cliche!) thinks i worry ahead of time too much.
and all i have is bad news. ok, not all bad. but some bad. bad enough. i split with kyle today. i just couldn’t handle the emotional hand-holding. am i jaded? just tired? breathtakingly unrealistic? i asked my therapist if i was being unrealistic. she said i wasn’t getting what i needed. but do we? or is that the pessimism? what this means is i don’t have anyone to go to NYC with next week. i would be a lot of sunk cost lost. but i really don’t want to go alone. i am good at traveling alone, but this, this i don’t want to do alone.
my therapist said you’ll lose the companionship. i feel that loss. i feel frightened and a little empty.
other like is good. love my new job. my condo rocks. i spend too much money on my cat.
maybe i have a new day job. that would be nice. new stress, different stress. work i really want to do. organization isn’t the most healthy. but my favorite pt base and normal(ish – they are still 12s) hours.
relationship thing ok. still some peculiar things. but talkable. perhaps a trial living together. modified slightly. i need to explain the concept of “being”. we have different definitions of “being”. i want the comfort of being there. he seems to need a lot of direct interaction. but perhaps that is because of my hours. i am approaching it a bit too cerebrally i think, but it is an attempt. baby steps.
at 47 does my blog get boring because my life is finally ok?
things are good. tonight was “jaws on the water”. it was a blast! kyle and i accidentally slept for 14 hours last night (went to Total Unicorn then dropped donuts at this office, got to sleep at like 4am) and then sorta rushed to the event. they had a great shark slip and slide and you could get a shark bite temporary tattoo. the water was warm and the inner tubes were awesome looking. i’ll upload some photos later. next weekend is flight of the concords, then weird al, then the new ghostbusters. i am getting my tummy lipo suctioned the week after that. july is gonna be busy. but awesome!
it was touch and go there for a while with kyle. we went to talk with his therapist. i can hold my own but felt he needed some support. it didn’t feel like he listened. then he got pissy because i didn’t text him before going to work (never mind we had texted until like 10am that morning), then all i got was terse messages, then he says he didn’t even know if we were dating anymore (my response to that was “you will KNOW if i break up with you). all crap i simply don’t want to deal with. i wanted to date because of how comfortable we were together, how old married couple. this was like dating in high school. so we had a serious conversation on a tuesday night. i said i didn’t feel like he was listening to me and gave him several specific examples. i explained how exhausting it is to fight the voices in his head. i needed to feel like i was getting something from this relationship. i asked that we just do our own thing for a week, so he could talk to his therapist and i could get a break.
then i went to the LA CatCon! and told him he could go stay with gandalf to keep her company. which he did. then i texted him because i needed his t-shirt size so i could buy him a (3) t-shirts! and some cat creepers. he was asleep on my couch when i got home. and he left me a card. i had to work that day (it was rough). he offered to make me a healthy dinner since i wouldn’t have time for anything before work! the card was awesome. i did ask a few days later why he suddenly agreed that he hadn’t been listening to me. he said i had some very concrete examples. it felt nice to to be heard. and i haven’t felt pressured or stressed since then. oh, life isn’t perfect, there will certainly be ups and downs, but i felt heard and that is a huge thing. for as much as i talk, i do often feel people just let it in one ear and out the other.
i suppose the next test will be our trip to the afrofest. travel is a test of any relationship though.
4am. i really need to stay awake one more hour at least. guess i’ll read my US Hist 2 text.
i had a fortuitous conversation with a patient’s sister and today i had an interview to become a SANE nurse. SANE stands for Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. these nurse’s work with sexual assault victims. they do the physical exam, but more so they support them through the experience and let them know about their options and resources. it would be a minimum of 5 shifts a month, but they are PRN and you don’t go in unless there is a patient to meet with. i really wish we had a single-payer healthcare system so i could quit at St David’s full-time and work SANE and Hospice part-time each. but i need healthcare.
things aren’t going very well for Kyle and i. we had a talk tonight about my needs. i don’t have a lot of needs. i do a great job taking care of myself these days. this is actually a problem in a number of ways. anyhow, i am exhausted by some of the issues that Kyle struggles with. maybe it is just that i am not the right sort of girl for these types of issues. i don’t have the energy for the validation required or to battle the voices (not ACTUAL voices). it makes me sad. we talked. he is going to sit on it and talk to people then reconvene next week. we have lots of summer plans. i really like him. i want this to work out.
the living room set-up is complete. goth all the way.
in july i am attending the flight of the concords, weird al, and have tickets to opening night of ghostbusters. then i am getting liposuction at the beginning of august. then afrofest in brooklyn at the end of august. lots of things to do. i look forward to engaging in life more than i have.