wow, just wow.

i got fired. it was weird. at first i wasn’t sure because the phrase used was “go our separate ways”. it gets more complicated but i cannot talk about it yet. i’ll keep you posted.

so much for getting off my anti-anxieties. i should have looked for a new job in October when i thought about it. but the election stress, plus insurrection was just too much. anyhow. now i know.

what else is there really to say?

i am working on two bookcase projects. one is on hold for fiscal reasons but the other was already paid for before i lost my job. it is a bookcase with a frame on the front. it is a ~21″ x 26″ frame. i have painted the bookcase the same color as the wall so it will look like a frame hanging on the wall but 3-dimensional as the books will be in the bookcase. it will be in the cat/sewing room. i plan to hang it tomorrow so i will post a picture soon!

a wonderful friend of the family died recently. i went to the zoom “funeral”. it was actually incredibly well done. i cried at the families struggles. the stories from friends were wonderful. but the anguish of the family. my friends. made me cry. i, more than the vast majority, know how un-personal disease is. when people asked me if it was hard knowing the pt would die, i would say, “by the end i want the pt’s suffering over. but the family, they are the ones i miss.” it just hurts to see the family’s pain. and it hurt extra today.

cheery note – i might have a dinner date. that will be nice.

got an amazing comment

one of the awesome people i worked with in europe (whom i won’t name incase they would rather remain private) posted a comment today about how i came up in a conversation with another beloved person i worked with in europe back in the day. it was about a comment i made which they have never forgotten “Mend the fence instead of chasing the chickens”. and that they would never forget me. wow, that felt SO good. i just want to leave a positive mark and apparently i have. and i will never forget them. most of my friends are tired of hearing about how i “lived in germany from 1999-2003”. ok, it was a while ago and a lot has changed. apparently they have not fixed the fence though.

having sex really makes one sleep well. thanks for visiting boytoy.

it is weird. i haven’t touched anyone in a year (ok, there was that ONE time i hugged susan) and i have been ok with that (you know, except for missing sex). but now i feel weird. like i have to remember not to touch people again. it helps that i am not a hugger. but the distance feels weird suddenly. i wonder how long it will take to go back to feeling ok again.


my kitkat clock has a broken eye. well, the eye is fine but there is “friction” which keeps the tail going back and forth. i am wondering if i should make it an eye patch. it is sorta creepy without one eye.

hm. what else? still exercising and flossing. lots of spray painting. need to caulk and paint my bathroom vanity. then a water proof coating. gotta work on the red paint spots on my grey carpet in the bedroom (thanks a lot painter guy). um. habitat for humanity will take my 2 bags of bolts and screws. SUPER glad i won’t have to throw them out. still have pockets on my to do list. have a rash on the back of both of my hands. i am guessing all the washing and moisturizing. gets better through the day if i don’t wash my hands (cause i am at home not interacting with anyone). it itches though. still have some outlets to replace. lots to do.

things left on the list

review and rate all my music in iTunes – yeah. it is going to take a while, but it needs to be done. i wish iTunes had 6 stars instead of 5. there are some songs that are just a tiny bit different in quality but don’t deserve to be ditched entirely. anyhow, it is long term on the list.

touch up the paint on the vanity in the bathroom – i still need to finish that last bit of drywall above the mirror. then i can paint the vanity. unless something else unexpected comes up. i mean, why be different than any other time this was the last item on the list.

pockets – and sewing in general. i am getting there. did 3 more skirts on Saturday night while watching Endeavor on BBC america. the young inspector morse is so adorable! and easy. that boy sleeps around a lot. but, sewing, have an apron and a dress in the “partially” done status!

replace outlets – i have been trying to do this since i bought this place. i even have all the outlets. i’ll work on that tomorrow (rewiring outlets is surprisingly easy and lacking for abject terror (because one has a breaker box and can turn off the outlets!))

i guess those are all the big projects. what will i do next?! could start some new recipes. perfect the speed that i make a pie or cinnamon rolls. the more efficient and quick i get, the more often i can bribe, i mean, make them for people!

4 pocket retrofitted skirts!
my new dress. it is from the Sleepy Hollow collection at Vixen by Michelle Pitt. yum!
my new bathroom with only one mirror item to be done (fix the drywall). it is SO beautiful! and i did 50% of it by myself (with friend consultants).

satisfying game

i play this stupid game all the time on my iPad. it is a game where you match things to eliminate them. it is mostly tiles. sometimes you need to use the tiles to eliminate other things or allow other things to move along a path or leave the board. there are things that get in your way. things that eat your progress. there are a few boards inside the game i like more than others. the one where there is a special tile you have to access to that starts a trail you have to attach to other tiles to. WHY do i enjoy this some much? when a row of tiles disappears (or attaches) it just feels satisfying. i assume this is the organizer in me. it brings me peace to see things in their place. that is all i can come up with. after remolding my bathroom (thus organizing in the new space) i have nothing left. and don’t even say anything about my other bathroom yet. i went $1000 over budget as it is. maybe next year.

i did organize files at work on Monday night (we only had 1 pt). there is a rack with folders with various papers with need. admission packets, report sheets, MARS. and it was a chaos. but now it isn’t. we have a book of signs that go on pt doors. they say things like, “Do not disturb”, “There is a cat in here”, “Do not bring food in here”. The book had a couple of category dividers, but not nearly enough. I sorted them, asked my coworkers if the groups made sense and then made dividers. There were a bunch that were just sitting in the interior pocket of the binder too. Now everything is put away and easier to find. very satisfying. SO satisfying. (and i didn’t throw anything out, just organized it).

i have gotten down to 140lbs. i want to get down to 130lbs. which is what i weighed when i started nursing school. that way everything will fit fine. i did do a big purge. stuff that has sentimental value, but i will never wear again. stuff i admit i just don’t like. stuff i will never be, and don’t want to be, small enough to wear again. not sure how to do it though. i learned in nursing school (and was surprised to learn) that the most successful way to lose weight it diet. but how do i change it? i cannot cook. my food tastes bad. i eat a lot of organic frozen meals. i snack on green apples and peanut butter as there aren’t a lot of other options (raw veggies give me tummy problems). i would like to try intermittent fasting but will my combo of day and night shifts there isn’t a scheduled i can follow. i thought about making me eating hours just night time. but when i work day shift i think it would be too hard. i asked a coworker who did it and she said it took about 3 weeks before she wasn’t hungry all the time. i don’t think i can do that at work. i think i would get lightheaded. sometimes i forget to at an that is what happens (or am too busy at work). do i find a nutritionist and ask them about my problem? how does one find a nutritionalist?

i need to devise a latter for gandalf to get to the shelves in my closet. currently she uses my clothing and had ruined a number of things. i have a long piece of sisal rope for a mother project. i thought of using that. but what kind of latter? could i just tie knots in it and then attach it to the shelf? do i need something with more structure? i’ll google it.

i am torn by the behavior of people during the pandemic. i know people that don’t wear their masks properly. that go places and take risks. SO many people are dying. medical staff is exhausted and getting sick too. i am stir crazy too. i am lonely. i am starved for affection. but i don’t want anyone to die. no one has to die. the torn part is, how do i tell people how i feel? strangers in the grocery store not wearing masks?no problem. but these are people i know. people i respect. people who surprise me with this behavior. i just don’t know what to do or how to do something.

another molar got yanked out. this time on a fiber gummy. it went back in. but this shit is getting old. and i am petrified that they won’t be able to get it back in on of these times and then say i need another implant. i cannot afford another implant. my teeth scare me. very unpredictable.

i could literally feel it in my body

i had 4 text messages when i woke up saturday evening to go to work. they all referenced how i as going to get to stay in the US because Biden was now the president-elect. as i was sitting at work, i turned to my coworker and said, “I can just feel how less tense my body is since i heard trump lost.” i think i am going to shoot for the new year in terms of coming off my anti-anxieties. might be able to go back to sleeping without anything though. i certainly hope so.

so, bathroom remodel is done except for the mirror. that comes in on friday. not sure how i am going to hang it though. it is REALLY heavy. the old one was stuck on with, what looked like, epoxy. it was a trial by fire and there was an ugly cry. the pipe from the wall was a smidge too low. so, i hired plumber. and that did NOT go well. he was from Stan’s Heating and Air Conditioning. and he was lazy and didn’t seem to think about what he was doing. the last plumber they sent, who fixed my shower, was AMAZING. this guy had to go to home depot because he forgot smoothing. i had asked for the p-trap to be placed and he didn’t do that. he gave me a list of things to buy to do it myself. i should have said something as this was something i had asked for when i called to have them come out. i think he didn’t do it because, again, he had the wrong parts. my pipe is 1 1/4″, he brought 1 1/2″. he also told me that i would be able to set it up offset (which was a BIG deal) but that was not exactly the truth. no, you could not turn the pipe connector and the offset would be 1-2″. NOT helpful. and he got ugly about it. anyhow, when he came back and i pointed out that i needed to be offset by quite a bit and the vanity HAD been where it needed to be when he arrived the day before. again, he hadn’t been paying close enough attention. he then told me it would be another $500 to move the pipe. um, no. anyhow, he put the p-trap in so i had something to model once i got the sink siliconed into the top of the vanity. i accepted that it would not be offset but discovered it wouldn’t even sit flush against the wall. tried to hook it up and it leaked at every joint.

i cried. i ugly cried. in a ball of the floor sobbing. the cats wanted attention since i was on the floor. i just cried at them, “no! i need someone to give to me. i can’t give anymore right now”. they looked hurt.

i am tired of feeling like i have to fight for everything in life. the floor people had to come back 3 more times. the plumbing still wasn’t right. and it takes so much energy. trying to advocate for pts. keeping people at a social distance. i am so very tired of it all.

anyhow, my friend randy had pity for me, took a long lunch, and came over and set it up. he showed me what needed to be done AND it was offset so my vanity is where is is supposed to be! take that Stan’s! (yes, i will be asked for at least some of my money back). anyhow, here is what it looks like without the mirror.

oh, and a few hours later my AC died. seriously, not kidding. coil fix for $3264 or $3800 for a new unit. seriously, 2020? am i that horrible of a person universe? bathroom remodel went over by $1000 thanks to plumbing (pipe and toilet). so, instead of paying for it all in advance i am looking at ~$3800 on my visa (there may be a 0% interest loan i can get). seriously?

i think i have broken my record for home long it has been since i have had sex. old record was 8 months and i was in nursing school. i am now at 9 months thanks to the pandemic. sucks.

in all though, with the election being over, i feel better. i am totally sad about suddenly having these huge expenses. but, you know, it is a pandemic. other people have it worse. i just kinda really wish i weren’t fighting this all alone.

here is one of my favorite election week memes. hit me right in my “graduated from high school in 1987”

i feel a bit better today (but you should read yesterday)

i got a good nights sleep. and i ate the same stuff as yesterday, but it is working better today somehow. i don’t know. i just feel more calm today. serious disaster could still happy. and i will totally freakout if it does. but today, i dunno, i am just more calm about it. i don’t like i suddenly feel, “well, there is nothing i can do so i won’t worry about it”. i am very worried, i am just not as hysterical today. perhaps it is because i am working on my bathroom today.

i am going to drill the hole for my sink in my vanity. i have talked to MANY people. i feel safe in the knowledge, i feel i can do it right, i rented a jigsaw at home depot (only because lowe’s doesn’t rent tools). plumber comes on monday to deal with the drain pipe that is a smidge too low (see picture below). mirror comes back on friday the 13th. it cost WAY more than i had planned (like that toilet i didn’t really want to have to buy; though i like it lot more than my old one) and now the plumbing complications. i did stand up for myself, as i always do, and the floor is now perfect. no more random wrong tiles (see before/after photos below).

seriously, it is just a smidge!
wtf?! why is that random extra tile there. and one cannot, not, see it. you are sort of a captured audience if you know what i mean.
yeah! people won’t lose their minds while they are a captured audience.

through the roof

my anxiety that is.

so, the day before my last day at work before my two weeks of holiday, i had an appointment with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. ever since RBG died i have been completely freaked out. i cannot listen to NPR, i cannot read articles like i used to, i ask my friends who start to talk about politics and the election to stop or i walk away. this is surprising. patrick and i followed politics quite a bit. we always email each other a number of times on the day of the election. he sent me a screen shot of texas being blue the first election i lived here (they had only counted travis county)! but right now, i cannot handle it. from either side. everything is so extreme. falsehoods on both sides. i love to listen to discussions on economics normally (yes, i am that nerd. though i found the classes really hard. of course, i was 18). but people lie about the data so much. both sides (though more the conservatives right now). today’s GDP numbers must be analyzed in its context, for instance. and i am DEATHLY afraid there is going to be violence on the day of and after the election. no one is going to accept the outcome. crazy conservatives have already done crazy things; like plotting to abduct the governor of michigan. see, nuts! and i heard interviews on NPR today (i have gotten VERY quick with the off button) with liberals buying guns because they fear it too!

anyhow, so they day before my last day at work i had a visit (virtual) with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. she thought it was perfectly reasonable, all things considered. i didn’t want to increase my benzos. while ativan is lovely, it is easily escalated. that had been what i said when i contacted her about the appointment; that i needed something other than more benzos. (more details than you need, FOCUS heather!) so, she wrote for Gabapentin (who knew you could use it for anxiety!) and Seroquel (which scares the crap out of me). the gabapentin i take 3 times a day as needed and the seroquel at bedtime. seroquel scares me because it is an anti-psychotic and i have had pts on it so the voices would stop. ok, they were on 600mg and i was getting 25mg, but it is still a serious medication.

well, the gabapentin has helped. the seroquel, not so much. i sleep hard, but only for about 6-hours. i am an 8-hour girl all the way. so, you know, some help.

but then i went to work on friday and got written up. basically for being sarcastic. and because my coworkers complain about me a lot. they are afraid of me. i got written up a few year’s ago for being “disrespectful” to a coworker because i was trying to convince other coworkers to talk to management about her. it was super bogus because…it just was. anyhow, my boss now made the comment she didn’t understand how long they would hold that against me. she said she thought it should just be a verbal warning but whatever (i appreciated that on her part). but we talked about a lot of stuff. i had told the naked picture story earlier (ask me next time we chat, i am not blogging the details). and i know that i can be sarcastic and critical. sarcasm was the language we spoke at home. but i wish people would say something. i don’t see it. really, i don’t. because it feels normal to me. this was a problem patrick and i had. it was hurtful, but he didn’t tell me. i HONESTLY didn’t know. i still don’t know. and no one will say anything. how will i learn if no one says anything?

and now i am petrified i am going to get fired. it seems like they have fired other people for lesser things. and i am single. and i just remodeled my bathroom (the money was spent before my holiday started). and, not surprisingly, i don’t have savings to fall back on. and unemployment won’t even pay my mortgage.

so, good timing on the anti-anxiety meds. and they have helped. but not today. i have been thinking about blogging about my anxiety for weeks. today though. today it is BAD. my sleeping has been pretty good. so has my exercising. eating hasn’t been very good, but mostly because i haven’t been eating much, not that i have been eating poorly. in fact, i have been good about groceries. today, perhaps i should have eaten more food considering the coffee and other prescribed medications. but still. wow.

i mean, i know, i can only go forward each day. but, really, so much right now. it is like, every time i think i have encountered the most stressful thing (like getting laid off from HP during the, then, greatest recession of my lifetime) the universe sends me something even more incredible. and here i thought completely retraining during an economic disaster was going to be the worst. oh my god.

so, here are some pictures of stuff going on in my life recently.

this is susan and i in galveston where we went ghost hunting!
susan! i realize it is not that easy to see her, but i wanted to get as much hotel in the photo as i could.
this is Bethany Cemetery here in austin. susan, christie and i went and had pastries and coffee then wandered around (like we do). i took this photo because it shows the various different markers and how the ground is wavy. we decided it was because the caskets probably deteriorated and then the ground got saturated and fell in. that is the theory at least. this is a very beautiful space.
yes, that is a cat’s paw in white paint. snape got it on the tile, the carpet and the hardwood!
this is me being Goth AF.
(caught the back of my heel on the screen door on my way out of the house. yes, it hurts a lot).

i just can’t

i haven’t listened to a full NPR show or looked at my feed on FB since RBG died. I just cannot listen to the rhetoric on either side. I skim through the Washington Post and NYT too. I saw that the debates were horrible. I do not know why anyone would be surprised. it is just a horrible place right now. and, while i am not afraid that the secret service would allow trump to stay in the white house if he lost, i am afraid of stupid asshole conspiracy theorists take up arms. trump basically ask the to last night (couldn’t avoid that sound bite).

so, i have all sorts of pictures of random life things i normally post on FB sitting around on my computer. so i plan to post them here.

susan and i are going ghost hunting in galveston today. i am nervous about going out in public so much. but i agree we need to get out of town for a little bit. for the record, susan believes in ghosts and i like hanging out with susan. i will report back!

susan, christie and i have been to a lot of cemeteries lately. i plan to do an entire post dedicated to that. i need to edit the photos first.

my new bathroom vanity should be here soon. I have been watching videos on how to redo a tile floor. everyone says i can do it, but i am starting to get really nervous. if it were just a rectangle, i would feel ok. but i have a closet in there so would have to measure the unique corders and cut the tile to fit. i draw HORRIBLY because of my eyesight. i just don’t want it to look horrible or end up and unfinished project. i am going to get some quotes regarding having someone tile it for me. if someone else did the measuring and cutting, i could totally do the labor. i am comfortable with making sure it is flat.

ok, so, here we go:

finally go too use my skeleton spoons. this is me mixing my magic coffee. it really is called magic coffee. and i make it myself at home.
find the cats!
first time in my life i wish i’d had a selfie stick. then you could see how we were all on the chair together! (they didn’t even fight until after they got off the chair)
i have heard about headstones that said this. i have seen photos. i saw this one IN PERSON!
my favorite time of the year! HEB has their Dia de los Muertos product in!
my favorite meme ever. there are SO many permutations of this meme!
i dunno, somehow i feel all cool and adult because i have taken to drinking root beer in distinctly beer looking bottles. delicious too.
just me looking cute on a night out. obviously, before the pandemic.
and, lastly, the problem with living in a condo. just doesn’t have the same effect.

a list or two

*edit: please add *make my own coffee to the “things i have started to do regularly since the stay at home orders”. i cannot believe i forgot that one!
**edit: please add *replace all the hollow core doors with solid doors and *get a new screen door so the cats can look out but the cool air doesn’t fly away to the “things i want to do to my home”. that last one would probably be the cheapest of all of them.

things i have started to do regularly since the stay at home orders:
*floss – i would say at least 5 day a week if not 6 to 7. seriously, i am into it
*exercise – 5 days a week consistently. ok it is just my 7 min workout but it has helped
*bake – i need more people/places to take my baked goods
*read – ok, that isn’t new
*play this stupid video game on my iPad – no i am not telling you what it is called. i deleted it.
*send postcards – ok, not as much as i want, but WAY more than i ever have

things i want to do to my home:
*have it professionally painted – get that purple spot off the ceiling where i didn’t notice i had my paint brush
*have a fixture wired to the middle of the living room – it needs a light above the couch
*redo my hardwood floors – i know i only just had the living room done. but it is too dark
*remodel the bathrooms! – master first, hate the floor tile, counter is original from 1969 (a wonderful year, granted, but it needs redoing)
*get a shade for the window in the kitchen – ok, this is easy
*solar panels for my condo – i doubt the HOA would let me
* more cat runways at the ceiling – like the famous cat house!

not sure what i would want to do first. probably the bathroom. but the fixture might be easier, cheaper and faster. paint would just be so expensive. but make a big difference (though i would probably have to have it all painted beige if i wanted to sell).

trips i would like to make:
*the amazing 80 new wave/goth concert that got canceled
*einstuerzende neubauten – concert in philadelphia that got canceled
*muetter museum in philadelphia
*cemetery tour – one of the planned routes i found
*an atlas obscura tour – they look cool and sound fascinating!
*ghost hunting trip to NOLA and Galveston – i’d want to go first class in NOLA
* europe to see my friends
*cat island off of japan
*vegas with my peeps – more ghost hunting!

things i want to master as a baker:
*cakes – weird, i know, but they always taste dry
*scones – amazing while they are still warm, too dense after they cool
*profiteroles – cause there ain’t nothing like profiteroles with vanilla ice cream and sauce au chocolat
*something fancy looking – but that still tastes amazing

i would like to point out that my editor didn’t have an obvious want to underline the headings of my lists, so i switched to HTLM mode and added them myself. so glad i learned that back when it was still mosaic as a browser.

what other lists would you like to see? no, i won’t give you a list of the best sexual experiences i have had. and how could i possibly rank my fluevogs?! or movies?! i always think it is bizarre to pick one favorite movie.

dancing naked in my living room

there used to be a club on saturday nights called Haven. it was held at Elysium, the goth club in town. all the best goth and industrial. had my 40th birthday dance night there. anyhow, it is closed for the pandemic (hopefully it will reopen). but, the DJs have been hosting an online club night on twitch. i attended tonight for the first time. AND THE MUSIC WAS INCREDIBLE! decided to do my workout, take a shower and go to sleep…but when i got out of the shower the music was STILL INCREDIBLE! so, i started dancing naked in my living room. i totally could have been one of those shadow box girls.

i have been doing home visits. not all Covid. in fact, few of them are Covid. and i really enjoy it. friday night i even offered to my pronouncements for on-call if they needed help (hospice nurses pronounce death but MDs sign death certificates). but the heat. in my car. trying to chart. it is MISERABLE. like SUPER miserable. and i worry about my car idling for the AC. and it is bad for the environment. the team leader i am working under asked if i wanted to come to home team. i told her i had thought about it and i would consider it from Oct – Apr.

seriously, i want to move. i LOVE Austin. my friends. my goth club. my work. the breakfast tacos. my condo (barbie goth palace as Lucy and i called it). but it is always SO hot. there are no seasons. winter is like Jan 2-4. i visit my winter coats in my coat closet. virtually never wear them. i am so tired of feeling sweaty all the time. and since i gained 25 pounds after Lucy died, then lost it again, my boobs aren’t as, er, perky as they used to be. so, for the first time, i deal with boob sweat, and it sucks. and it is just going to get hotter. and austin isn’t doing anything (like Phoenix is) to mitigate the increasing temperatures. ugh.

the other annoying thing in my life are my cats. snape is an asshole. scratches everything. decides when i need to get up and then starts scratching stuff and generally being an asshole. gandalf won’t leave me the HELL ALONE! i swear, remember the first 11 months she lived with me and i couldn’t even touch her? how she wouldn’t sit in a room with me? now she won’t LEAVE ME ALONE! like every minute she must be near me, being petted. drives me nuts.

ok, last annoying thing. (motherly types skip this paragraph). i miss sex SO much. like i feel a little bad for the next boy i have sex with. the switch will flip and i will not stop until we are both lightheaded and sore. seriously.

when i leave my house for things other than work (aka going to the grocery store or once in a great while joann’s for fabric) i dress up. of course, i have always dressed up. but it was always simply habit. i automatically did it. now, i am quite deliberate about it. below is a photo of me in my new hat. and in my outfit for our excursion to the cemetery (susan, christie and i have been twice, susan and i 3 times). and one of my favorite covid mask memes. goodnight.

a bit fuzzy, i realize. but look how cute that hat is!
another newish hat. carried my gothasol too!
um, yeah. what freddie said.