braiding my hair

my hair is so long the only way to really manage it is to braid it everyday. but i don’t really have time. i really need that personal assistant now more than ever.

tonight i have stayed home to comfort myself. nachos. sat in the throne. cat at my side. milka chocolate. but i am still sad. i was going through the photos on my iPad cause there were duplicates. and there were photos of kyle. he has a great photo face. there is a photo of him with gandalf too.  she misses him. at least she is super attention deficit. anyhow, just expressing.

i am really torn about my trip next week. i have NO problem hanging around NYC by myself. but i don’t want to go to the festival alone. on the other hand, i am afraid i will just spend all of next week alone. because i don’t have any close connections right now. of course, it is my lifestyle that does this to me. anyhow, i’ll maybe read some books and pick up some shifts. i feel connected working. but i need to make sure that does not become my only existence. i know nurses like that.  they are great people but it is not good.

basically i feel content inside. but it feels odd too. so maybe i am misinterpretting something? or maybe i just don’t know what it feels like to be content? or maybe this is middle age? or midlife crisis? i am worried. but my therapist (how cliche!) thinks i worry ahead of time too much.

haven’t posted in ages…

and all i have is bad news.  ok, not all bad. but some bad. bad enough. i split with kyle today. i just couldn’t handle the emotional hand-holding. am i jaded? just tired? breathtakingly unrealistic? i asked my therapist if i was being unrealistic. she said i wasn’t getting what i needed. but do we? or is that the pessimism? what this means is i don’t have anyone to go to NYC with next week.  i would be a lot of sunk cost lost. but i really don’t want to go alone.  i am good at traveling alone, but this, this i don’t want to do alone.

my therapist said you’ll lose the companionship. i feel that loss. i feel frightened and a little empty.

other like is good. love my new job. my condo rocks. i spend too much money on my cat.

time time time

maybe i have a new day job. that would be nice. new stress, different stress. work i really want to do.  organization isn’t the most healthy. but my favorite pt base and normal(ish – they are still 12s) hours.

relationship thing ok. still some peculiar things. but talkable. perhaps a trial living together. modified slightly. i need to explain the concept of “being”.  we have different definitions of “being”. i want the comfort of being there. he seems to need a lot of direct interaction.  but perhaps that is because of my hours. i am approaching it a bit too cerebrally i think, but it is an attempt.  baby steps.

at 47 does my blog get boring because my life is finally ok?

tense conversations and cards

things are good.  tonight was “jaws on the water”.  it was a blast!  kyle and i accidentally slept for 14 hours last night (went to Total Unicorn then dropped donuts at this office, got to sleep at like 4am) and then sorta rushed to the event.  they had a great shark slip and slide and you could get a shark bite temporary tattoo.  the water was warm and the inner tubes were awesome looking. i’ll upload some photos later.  next weekend is flight of the concords, then weird al, then the new ghostbusters.  i am getting my tummy lipo suctioned the week after that.  july is gonna be busy.  but awesome!

it was touch and go there for a while with kyle.  we went to talk with his therapist.  i can hold my own but felt he needed some support.  it didn’t feel like he listened.  then he got pissy because i didn’t text him before going to work (never mind we had texted until like 10am that morning), then all i got was terse messages, then he says he didn’t even know if we were dating anymore (my response to that was “you will KNOW if i break up with you).  all crap i simply don’t want to deal with.  i wanted to date because of how comfortable we were together, how old married couple.  this was like dating in high school.  so we had a serious conversation on a tuesday night.  i said i didn’t feel like he was listening to me and gave him several specific examples.  i explained how exhausting it is to fight the voices in his head. i needed to feel like i was getting something from this relationship.  i asked that we just do our own thing for a week, so he could talk to his therapist and i could get a break.

then i went to the LA CatCon! and told him he could go stay with gandalf to keep her company. which he did. then i texted him because i needed his t-shirt size so i could buy him a (3) t-shirts! and some cat creepers. he was asleep on my couch when i got home.  and he left me a card. i had to work that day (it was rough).  he offered to make me a healthy dinner since i wouldn’t have time for anything before work!  the card was awesome.  i did ask a few days later why he suddenly agreed that he hadn’t been listening to me.  he said i had some very concrete examples.  it felt nice to to be heard. and i haven’t felt pressured or stressed since then.  oh, life isn’t perfect, there will certainly be ups and downs, but i felt heard and that is a huge thing.  for as much as i talk, i do often feel people just let it in one ear and out the other.

i suppose the next test will be our trip to the afrofest.  travel is a test of any relationship though.

4am.  i really need to stay awake one more hour at least.  guess i’ll read my US Hist 2 text.

 

a lot has changed

i had a fortuitous conversation with a patient’s sister and today i had an interview to become a SANE nurse.  SANE stands for Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner.  these nurse’s work with sexual assault victims.  they do the physical exam, but more so they support them through the experience and let them know about their options and resources.  it would be a minimum of 5 shifts a month, but they are PRN and you don’t go in unless there is a patient to meet with.  i really wish we had a single-payer healthcare system so i could quit at St David’s full-time and work SANE and Hospice part-time each.  but i need healthcare.

things aren’t going very well for Kyle and i.  we had a talk tonight about my needs.  i don’t have a lot of needs.  i do a great job taking care of myself these days.  this is actually a problem in a number of ways.  anyhow, i am exhausted by some of the issues that Kyle struggles with. maybe it is just that i am not the right sort of girl for these types of issues.  i don’t have the energy for the validation required or to battle the voices (not ACTUAL voices).  it makes me sad.  we talked.  he is going to sit on it and talk to people then reconvene next week.  we have lots of summer plans.  i really like him.  i want this to work out.

the living room set-up is complete.  goth all the way.

in july i am attending the flight of the concords, weird al, and have tickets to opening night of ghostbusters.  then i am getting liposuction at the beginning of august.  then afrofest in brooklyn at the end of august.  lots of things to do.  i look forward to engaging in life more than i have.

life grind.

things are life.  good, i suppose.  bad, not particularly.  but a struggle none-the-less.  i still really like my relationship but there are things i want different in my life.  and yet, i am not sure how to keep all the things together.  i do NOT want to work days in a hospital.  and yet i want normal life back.  a friend asked recently what people do when they hate the world and want to avoid the outside.  my answer was “reamortize my debt so i know when i will have enough cashflow not to care anymore.”  is that all it is?  of course, i will be QUITE proud when i pay off my debt.  so, it is something i look forward to.  and i LIKE working.  there are plenty of stressful days as a nurse, but i enjoy what i do very much.  had a lovely night shift as hospice recently.

whatever.  what am i trying to say?

as i get close to my 50s (isn’t THAT weird) i wonder what is important to me now.  i think i would probably tell the youngins that priorities and focus change over life.  we can still be the same person at the center, but the direction changes based on where you are in the arc of life.  i am good with my direction but there is some internal friction.  just not sure what it is.

first fight

if a friend comes to you and says “a coworker has made an unwelcome and inappropriate advance towards me that makes me very uncomfortable”,  that is all the info you need.  the appropriate response is to be horrified for them.  to tell them how sorry you are that they were treated like that.  your response should be about them, not you.  trust me, an UNWANTED sexual advance by a coworker is not something enjoyed.  it is UNWANTED.  FYI.

further complicating things, i needed space.  instead of being specific, because i thought that would be more distressing, i said “maybe”, which caused a great deal of strife.  instead i should have said “i am upset by this, we need to talk about this but we don’t have time between my shifts, i need some time to myself.” ok, that is totally fair, i will do that in the future.

i really really like this relationship.  i really like Kyle a lot, a lot. i can still see this being the longterm thing.  but, dating someone with depression and anxiety is really hard.  the thoughts make it difficult to not insert oneself into all issues.  but i can’t accept the explanation “these thoughts and this history make me behave this way” (not a quote).  we can’t always outrun our history but we can work to behave differently. and i am getting tired of “this is the best i can do.”  we can all try.  we have to try or it isn’t worth it.

we did talk about it all and it went well.  a good first fight where things were made clear.  understandings were had.  as i often say, “we just have to keep talking”.

my therapist says…

i need to not become frustrated with relationship issues.  i think that means i need to say things early.  of course, finding a time to express worrisome things is awkward.  andreas and i tried talking about issues/feelings specifically on sunday afternoons.  i am not sure that is a good way of doing it.  the health topic needs to be addressed though. the response i received when i brought it up before was very “medical definition”.  it felt like i was a student or patient who doesn’t know anything about diabetes.  but i do.  and there is no reason not to try.  i have made it VERY CLEAR that i do not want to deal with unmanaged health issues.  but i don’t want to do an ultimatum.  but i am not sure what the middle ground is.  i got an enthusiastic text message about fitness, but there was coffee cake involved ;>  i’d like to do things together.  our strange sleep schedule differences make things hard.  but we should try, right?

it still feels incredibly comfortable though (a reason i want to work out the health thing for sure!). i just don’t worry with Kyle.  i express myself.  i ask my questions and share my concerns.  i tell him how much i care about him and i am not afraid to do so.  he is been VERY good about sharing his feelings.  much less staring at me when i know there is something going on in his head.  and lots of sex.  lots.  it’s all very nice.  it’s so nice to feel so, just, nice.

er, busy

i’ve been busy. sorry about that.  i work a lot.  and i spend a lot of time with kyle. and i try to still see my friends. i baked a coffee cake…literally, for my coworkers. busy.

Kyle and i are playing house this week.  his roommate is out of town so i moved in for the week.  of course, i work Mon-Wed. so when he is getting up, i am getting home. i did some grocery shopping and we have meals through Thursday. kyle doesn’t eat well.  it isn’t crazy horrible, like the pts on my floor, but his health was the number one concern i had in starting this relationship. i need to find a way to talk about it.  but i fear i will do it wrong.  he loves to cook, is happy to cook for me.  but not himself.  i understand exhausted. though i don’t feel this way at my current job, i understand beat down by your job.  this is SUCH a big issue for me though.  i don’t want to be a nurse at home.  which i told him.  but i also don’t want to have to end a relationship over health.  how to address it?  won’t see therapist for another week.  and the living together thing makes me very nervous.  my space is so importantly MY space. i am very reluctant to share  which is probably a bad attitude.  but I’d rather he live next door. it isn’t not wanting to make a commitment. as it is now, i could see myself with kyle long into the future.  but sharing my space? REALLY hard.  weird.  I know.

things are good otherwise.  we are having a lot of fun.  being in a consciously committed relationship for the first time since high school (and sort of my marriage) feels new and very exciting.  it’s fun.  i get to be silly.  i get to get in the shower and introduce myself as “your washer, today”, before i go to sleep for the day and he goes to work.  i get to hug him when i want. it’s a whole lot of fun.

new relationship energy

NRE is what makes poly hard.  when you take on a new partner, everything is new so you want to put all your energy there.  new is exciting! it also passes, and the key to making sure the primary relationship stays intact is to remember that and not forget your primary partner.  in my opinion.

i am in a consciously monogamous relationship, and consciously entered relationship, for the first time since high school (thought patrick and i were monogamous for a long time, it was another sexual relationship that “got out of hand”.  by that i mean i specifically said i didn’t want a relationship, we started having sex and then we ended up married…which i don’t regret AT ALL.  it just makes what is happening now so different).  and i am surprised by the feelings the relationship gives me.  it isn’t the traditional NRE feelings.  though learning Kyle’s body is certainly exciting.  it’s just the comfort of it all.  i smile a lot.  i feel myself grinning all the time.  regularly, i just stop to kiss him.  because the connection feels wonderful.  my previous sex-first relationships felt pleasurable.  this feels comfortable.  which, in this case, feels like a much better thing.  don’t get me wrong, tonight’s orgasm was top notch(!) but the way my body just sighs and relaxes when i see Kyle’s face is far more satisfying.  do i regret my sex filled adventures?  hell no.  my life’s path has been awesome.  but i find myself somewhere now more appropriate for my age?  life period?  goals?  though self-assured, i have been so nervous for so long, it is really nice to be relaxed.

(it can’t all be candy and rainbows) on the other hand, i worry about things lasting.  not for any specific reason but because my marriage ended (i don’t think of it as a failure, we did great things!) and i don’t have a great relationship track record.  and i am 46 and just learning a lot of relationship things to learn.  communication to practice.  things that are important to me i need to express in a constructive manner but stick with in terms of getting.  i am optimistic though.  knowing Kyle as long as i have (almost 6 years) makes things less scary.  i feel i do know him fairly well to start.  and i take things to my therapist first (at this point) to get tips on how to talk about things.  i have, so far, conquered, blurting out.  i’d like to keep going this direction.

did i mention the orgasm was top notch?