my brain hates me

i have had 3 dreams (in like the last 4 days) of patrick “betraying” me. while i did not want to get divorced, patrick never betrayed me. all the dreams have him being with other women. and it hurts SO BADLY. the dream is emotionally painful. i want them to stop.

they are about the boy (david). he betrayed me the night he forgot about me.

they are about people i thought were my friends. i found out a coworker applied for the team lead position but hasn’t told me. why would she do that? i told her i was applying. this is a rift i don’t think i I can forgive. i don’t hate her. but i don’t respect her anymore.

they are about my boss. we certainly do NOT betray our patients. despite everything, our patients get a level of care of have never seen in healthcare (before or after i entered the field myself.) but i think mgmt betrays us. they say all sorts of things. but nothing changes. no one who works on the floor is held accountable. messages are sent with no sense the meaning or rules will be enforced.

so what do i do about this? i don’t have another appointment set with my therapist. we both thought i had found some footing. she commented “you say ‘whatever’ a lot more” (i think implied in that she saw i felt it too). i am not even sure this is a “big” issue. it is obviously very meaningful, but is it some deep seated, life long misery? i don’t think so. at least not one i haven’t come to understand and learned to live with. i have a number of friends that say you can’t trust anyone. i don’t want to live in that world. i also don’t want to take care of any patients except the dying. how do i find this new balance? or is it just a bunch of stuff at once and will mellow out?

my refi is complete. my financial position is far more solid. i don’t HAVE to work a lot of extra hours. don’t really want to either. i want to pass the CHPN (certified hospice and palliative care nurse). i get $1/hr more for that. that’s another ~$150/month. but you have to sign up 2-months before you take it yet pay $400 it costs to take the test at that time. i’ll need some extra hours for that.

PopCats in 2 weeks. new kitchen the week after. lots happening. now if my brain would just stop being such as asshole.

FB knows too

so, this weekend i had some closure that has stopped a loop in my brain. i visited with the “boy who broke my heart” to see how i felt about him. was it getting better? am i getting over the heartache? (also a thing about lust that has to do with a medication i started taking, but that is WAY too complicate to explain). Anyhow…

while it was hard to hear about other women he is trying to forge relationships with, it made things clearer. while hearing, he didn’t like me quite enough to date was a virtual slap in the face (though certainly NOT what he was trying to do, i am just using a metaphor for how it feels, my feelings) it helped clear the path forward.

while i wish you felt about me the way i feel about you, thank you “boy who broke my heart” for being honest and clear. i wish and hope and offer my virtual energy so that you might find the right girl and she treats you as fabulously as you should be.

(thanks for listening, y’all)

i have been thinking about this post for weeks!

so, basically, i started it in june, but have been stewing for almost a month. not in a bad way. in a “hm, but then there is this” way. whatever…

i am refinancing my condo. after 4 years i have some great equity. it is going to relieve some stress in my life. i won’t have to work as much, if i don’t want to. i find i like having days off. i like being surprised by who is still there, gone or back when i come back after 3 days or so. i did apply for a promotion. they have listed a Team Leader for HACH. i think i am the best candidate. i don’t think i am perfect. i do think i will need the support of my boss.  i worry about that support. but i KNOW i can make HACH a better place to work (not sure it can even BE a better place to die, but we’ll make that better too!)

i also like having days off because i fit into ALL my clothing again. so i have all sorts of outfits i want to wear out!

susan (from work) and i went to a haunted hotel/dancehall in Coupeland, TX last weekend. i do not believe in ghosts, but susan does. and i love weird things. we had a WONDERFUL time! i was talking with the pharm tech at CVS today and he likes creepy places too. he seemed to want to say more, but didn’t. so i said, “perhaps susan and i will need a male protector?!” he thought we might. hm.

i made the mistake of going to david’s FB page to see what he has been doing. there was a photo who took of someone in NOLA (that day). that made me SO sad. i even posted on FB about feeling stressed about things. i even mentioned “the boy who broke my heart”. he seems to read most of my stuff (considering the things he “likes”) so he may have seen me reference him. to be clear, not loving me back was fine – that is my own heart’s problem – it was the forgetting me the night of the goth ball that ended it for me.

but, with the medication, i don’t want to have sex (i have thought about this so much i feel like i must have already blogged about it?). which is super bizarre for me. though, emotionally and/or mentally, i don’t really care. i realized tonight that for the first time in my life i want to cuddle instead of have sex. it made me laugh because when patrick and i got married, he wanted to cuddle and i wanted to roll-over and go to sleep! fact is though, i do want a emotional/romantic partner. i just don’t want to have sex. i could probably enjoy having sex, i would just never finish. that causes issues. i don’t need issues like that.

kyle has started a new med for his depression that has made an AMAZING difference. he is a totally different person. he thinks about people other than himself. he has openly helped and supported me a bunch of times lately. he even joined the gym and we go together. he is my platonic husband. we act like a married couple. i really like just being around him. but i don’t want to have sex with him. i simply don’t feel like having sex. part of me wants to ask if he wants to cuddle, but i don’t want to give him the wrong impression or hurt his feelings when i don’t want to do anything more than cuddle.

i work. i sleep. i drink soylent. i read. i go to the gym with kyle. i sew. PopCats is at the end of august. i go see shows. it is a good life. i feel a little weird. everything feels ok. i am doing new weird things with newer friends. while i still love to dress up and look as perfect as possible, i am tired of men responding to me sexually, as a first interaction. my therapist told me i had to take “sex-positive” out of my personal ad on OKC, because men don’t get it. am i doomed? because my clothing fits me perfectly and shows off all the best parts of me, does that mean that is how men are always going to respond to me? life feels balanced and that feels weird. i worry i am missing something. am i missing something? or is this a peaceful feeling i simply haven’t ever achieved before?

this may not sound like a lot of thinking, but it has been. where am i? where is this all going? seems good though i fear a false sense of security. i’ll keep you posted.

some very nice things

i’ve had a few friends send me very nice messages lately. one who empathized with my loneliness, and while realizing being told you are awesome doesn’t make it go away, still told me i was valued. another friend was stressed at a conference but when the presenter reminded her of me, she said she was suddenly comfortable. aren’t those cool?

had a great bookclub. the strange case of the alchemist’s daughter. we always start bookclub with with Ross asking, “So, <bookclub host> why did you pick this book?” funny thing was, i couldn’t remember why i read the book. i picked it for bookclub because i enjoyed it so much. which counts, i suppose. not everyone had time to read it, because it was only like 3 weeks from our last meeting because of my work schedule. those that did really enjoyed it. i was asked if i related with any other the characters. “do any of the fatherly relationships remind me of my dad?” then i told them my ultimate dad story. some already knew, some were shocked.  there was a lot of silence (i am referring to the accidental dick pic incident). and i made my standard comment, hearing things has got to help people understand why i am the way i am.

my boss gave notice. i like holly. i think she is a GREAT nurse. i don’t think she is an effective manager for that environment. i pushed back hard because we needed a leader to help improve our work and work environment. for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to do that. she went back on promises on too many occasions. all of HA mgmt has. a few people have already asked if i will apply for the job. i’d love to be a full-time “charge” nurse. deal with staffing, help with admit/discharge, work on processes, etc. but i am not a good direct people manager (and probably can’t afford the pay cut). i want to help in the best way for me to help. i’ll talk to leanne on friday, i suppose.

planning my new ikea kitchen is challenging. the app lost my updates. i think i just need to wait for the summer sale and go in to get help directly.

tomorrow is a free day. going to lunch, going to get pedicure, going to donate platelets. a day.

my therapist is worried

so, at my last sit down with my therapist she asked how i was. i said lonely. i am sad because i feel lonely. she replied “we’ve got to do something about this. Loneliness kills.” and i replied, “yes, i read that research article too.”

Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review

the problem is several things that build on themselves. i have a lot of monthly payments i have to make. which means i have to work a lot. which means i don’t get a lot of sleep. which means i don’t feel very good. which means i am not enthusiastic about dating. (and i still miss the boy).

it isn’t just dating though. i don’t have any close friends, really. i spend time with and talk with my friend Mathew pretty regularly (he is a regular reader) but he is married. my friend Stacy and i have started to do more things together. (note to self: do NOT forget the winter coat for HMart on saturday). i like some of my coworkers quite a bit. but they are married (or divorcing) with kids. with the recent struggles i have had, i have wanted to call someone. talk about what is happening. but i have no one to call. at least one i feel close to. whom i know values me as i value them. that is why this can’t be a boytoy or a playmate. i am not even sure it could be someone i was sleeping with. yeah, yeah, i have the body of a woman much younger than i am. blah, blah, blah. doesn’t keep me warm at night.

i do still enjoy dressing up though.

it’s late. i am tired. i should go to sleep.

it is getting heavy

the sad are super strong tonight. my refi fell apart for some reason. last week they said all my stuff is fine, this week it isn’t. it would have REALLY taken a lot of pressure off me to refi. now that worry plus the singleness are still heavy.

i have been going out more. went to a book signing with my FAVORITE author, Christopher Moore. he signed “blessings!” in my copy of Lamb.

went to book club tonight. go to see the goths. i like them. they are all married.

work work work. which will have to continue, until i can dig out of this financial position. life. but i’d rather be dating.

suppose to start my cat dress tomorrow with rosie. just want to hide in bed. not enough sleep will happen. i think i may send a note saying i have to start later. must go to bank, then i can sleep a little more. want to get pattern and fabric cut tomorrow. more than that is probably asking for too much frustration.

i was exchanging emails with my psychiatrist about changes in my meds. in my last email i said what i wanted to try. no reply so far.

seriously?

going to read some romantic female and lead detective story before bed. i think i might start crying again (no this minute, just in general).

new nurse cat tattoo is finished.  and amazing.


time

i think, as we get older, this is the thing we start to run out of. the thing that makes us panic. it isn’t exactly money we are worried about, it is having enough of it when we need it. time again. being single? time. time is running out not to be single. i had a nice weekend. worked half day on friday, went to The Dinner Party event for 20- and 30-somethings that have lost someone close to them. then i went to a girls night, that was weird. next day to Hmart, had coffee, hung around. went to the store with lucy. i went to the going away party of one of our older, and beloved neighbors. sunday i did laundry, had more coffee, picked up drugs (from the pharmacy). then went to elysium to see my friend Luna who had moved to CO. for her job.  it meant i had 4 hours, max, sleep before work today, but it was totally worth it. reminded ben he needs to find me a boyfriend. but then back to work today. crazy day. so busy. didn’t leave until 9pm.

weird time thought tonight though. i got a new facial soap product and though i do think my skin looks brighter, i am getting pimples (not really hard, painful ones like i did as a teen, just bumps). so i thought to myself: i’ll use the aveeno in the shower (old product) and then new one before bed. but that assumes i have time. i didn’t eat dinner until 10pm tonight. if i had to go to work tomorrow, i wouldn’t have taken the time to wash my face because i would be trying to do the minimum things necessary to get to bed as fast as possible. not enough time. perhaps, if i were a more perfect nurse, i’d have had my charting done at 7:15pm. but i get up and help people a lot and spent 3 hours on something i shouldn’t have had to spend 3 hours on today. which reminds me i am running out of time.

the difficulties of midlife is not money or status, it is time. never having enough time.

(still thought of him today. sheesh.)

ben still hasn’t found me a boyfriend

he says he is working on it. some great songs on the dance floor make it almost possible to not be quite so sad. not feel quite so lonely. i think i need to try harder to get myself to 80s night. Ça Plane Pour Moi made my night. nothing like a little inappropriate french punk to make you feel good. kids today, their music doesn’t have the nihilism 80s New Wave did. ah, the cold war, it was so simple.

still REALLY miss the boy. still think of him every day. still wish he would message me that he’s made a terrible mistake and i am the awesome he is looking for. how long does it take to stop feeling heart hurt?

the sads are strong

yeah, i am sad. and lonely. i suppose this is me getting over the boy. i offered some encouragement after one of his posts (told FB i didn’t want to see them, but whatever…) at the end i reminded him he was awesome and replied “So are you. Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it”. ouch. yeah, you HAD someone who fully appreciated it. me. yeah, that hurt. a lot. i composed a reply after a number of days:

“My therapist is trying to teach me to give feedback when I feel hurt. This hurt: “Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it.” You had someone who fully appreciated it. Me. Totally understandable that you didn’t feel the same way. Seriously, that is how life goes. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. I don’t fault you at all (really, really) for not feeling about me the way I feel about you. But to hear you say, “we’ll find people” just hurt very much. I am people. I had wanted to support you when I thought you were sad about trying to reconnect with people. But then I felt sad.

In my fantasies you change your mind and fall madly in love with me. Fantasies being what they are, I think I should go back to the social boundary you talked about earlier. I am not going to pretend you don’t exist, but I am going to try really hard to be more careful with my reflex to automatically try and help people when I think they are sad.”

his reply was somewhat vague. tone is hard online. but man, am i sad now. i went to see OMD on Friday night with, basically, all my friends. i was the single one. it was like flashback high school only i don’t have anyone to share it with. everyone i was there with has a partner. it just made me feel SO sad. i have two tickets to see NIN in Vegas in June. it is the middle of the week. i am definitely going. i fear i am going alone.

yeah, well, i have been trying to find dates online. someone interesting conversations. but none have gone anywhere. work is slow so i can’t distract myself there either (though, today, i did have a family member come up to me in a grocery store and hug me three times). refinancing my condo, taking some cash out to pay some debt. that will make things easier, less stressful. but i did buy a $200 duvet cover with skulls arranged in the shape of hearts.

i’ll keep trying. i am just really sad.

cars

gary numan was right. it’s odd how safe i feel in my car. i am insulted from the world around me, without being out of it.

i took an s-bahn home one night. i was listening to Radiohead (probably pyramid song) on my noise reduction headset. it was quiet except for the music in my ears. i sat at a window and it was beautiful. me, the music and all the people and places i couldn’t hear. i was alone inside of everything. it was wonderful.

i feel like that in my car on the way home from work a lot. doesn’t generally happen if i am just doing errands. but if i am coming home from something, a show, a movie, something that is the end of my day and i am going home to sleep, it is perfect. all these things going on around me. but with me, it is only me, the music and my car. it feels great. it is a really wonderful peace.

that would be nice to have in other places. but, would it ruin the specialness of it? or is that meditation. i’d just like to drive around in my car more and feel safe. thanks gary.