i drove around in my car for like an hour tonight listening to music. my car has a fantastic speaker system. it had stopped raining by the time i started to drive. did slide on water a few times on 183. some songs can make you feel really good. the right song makes me feel powerful. i always skip all the portishead and massive attack songs because that is what “the boy that broke my heart” and i would have sex to. some songs make me sad too. songs that remind me of unpleasant events. obviously songs remind me of people. i need to send an email to my micro teacher as i heard a few songs by nouvelle vague and i had shared their album with him. i wish i got the same feeling on strength listening to music in my house as i do in my car. Lucy would DJ when we were getting ready to go out. i want to roll my hair tonight. listening to music would be great. but it is a little late for that. also, cannot wear headphones while putting in curlers.

bought my own axe for axe league. love this axe. throw GREAT with this axe. i will NOT finish in last place next season.

i now weight 162 pounds. i am kinda of freaking out about it. though obviously not enough to do anything constructive about it. i still eat all the things. my new psychiatrist started me on a new anti-convulsant (good for bi-polar 2) and kyle says it seems to have taken off the edge to my depression, but i am still not myself. the new med (Trileptal) helps me sleep. i am sleeping great! so i stopped taking the Ativan and i wonder if that is why i am feeling increasingly off. the hope of me being able to fit into the 2 things i wanted to for vegas is basically dead. i think not getting to dress up is going to make the trip not as fun for me. but it is still great to get out of town. anyhow, while i feel a little better than in april, i agree with kyle, i am not myself yet.

i like my new therapist, but damn is it expensive. with jayme moving out, i will lose the rent i was getting. so, i guess i will have to work those overtime hours. but i am getting to talk about all the frustrating things causing stress in my life right now. my home situation will becomes less stressful next month. i don’t feel work will ever becomes less stressful unless we have a big change in management. but i also have no idea what other type of nursing i would enjoy. being single is stressful, in the lonely sense, but being my body hates me, it is probably better that i am single still. work stress, boy stress, soon to be increasing money stress, Lucy grief. i got a lot going on.

it is frustrating not knowing how to help myself. especially from a medication standpoint. i don’t know what will help. i feel like me and the medical community are sort of randomly trying things. i want some sort of full body test (physical and/or labs is fine) that will sort all of the things. i wonder if my tummy problems are a bug (literally). it all came on so fast, it seems hard to believe that it is my body simply changing with age. yes, my body is changing with age, but this happened so fast! it is like “sudden onset” dementia in older adults. it doesn’t happen. if they suddenly don’t know who you are from one day to the next, it is a UTI.

i get to redecorate my spare bedroom (into a spare bedroom). that will be fun. and i can feel comfortable about bugging people to visit me! kimberly needs some house stuff so we are going to hunt together. we shop well together. you know, except for the money spending part.

i feel like there was something more exciting i was going to share while i was thinking about this post while driving around in my car. i am at a loss.