i have gained about 25 pounds since Lucy died. i eat all the things. i do not fit into my clothes. all my t-shirts are too tight. people keep commenting on how big my boobs have gotten (my friends, not weird creepy people…oh wait…my friends are weird, creepy people, ok, well, not weird, creepy STRANGERS. yeah, that works). if it doesn’t have an elastic waste it won’t zip. i fit into 2 dressed. and one of those is one i bought at secret oktober today in a size large.
on monday i am starting a program call Fitgirls. it has structure and process. i need that. that keeps my interest. it keeps me busy. i am also still working to figure out all the food that hates me and eating more from the FODMAP beginner’s diet book. the simple stuff. like, roller out blueberry muffins. take less than 30 min to make start to finish and yummy snack. i use Freshly for lunch. it is sort of a challenge to follow the Fitgirls program in that stuff has to be done on certain days so that food is ready. AND you still make dinner at dinner time. when i work i have very little time between shifts so cooking is not easy at all. things are simple though. of course, i may find myself eating spoonful of peanut butter some nights.
but i have got to fit into more of my clothing by vegas or it will be a miserable trip.
started some new meds. i am better. i can get out of bed now. showering is still hard. and if i don’t shower i won’t leave the house. but better to move around the house awake than sleep 28 hours. may need to…UP THE VOLTAGE! (for all you Real Genius fans out there)
my dreams have been VERY detailed lately. and i remembering more than one a night. which is totally bizarre. normally i would contemplate what my dreams are trying to tell me. but, i am too tired these days. i had a super detailed dream where Christine and i were shopping (which is pretty common). this was SUPER detailed though. i remember the items we were looking at in serious detail.
started seeing a new therapist who specializes in grief. my first appointment was a background thing. but she did make a comment about grief that resonated. made me feel better. unfortunately, i cannot remember what it was. amusing, eh? still, i miss Lucy more and more. she mostly kept me from feeling lonely. i feel SO lonely now. i have all sorts of friends, i go out, i wet set my hair. I THROW AXES EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT! but i am lonely. i am going to be a bridesmaid. i need a date. no dates.
i am still awesome though.
here is a picture of me in a wet set. i do really enjoy playing girly with my hair like this.