i mean, brushing one’s teeth is essential for everyone but for me it is a requirement for a good shower. see, if i don’t brush my teeth first, i don’t enjoy my shower as much. i do having to get up and brush my teeth and take a shower. it is busy work and i don’t want to waste the time, but i do want clean teeth and a clean body (especially after my morning workout). if i can convince myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth, i am ready for the day. but since i don’t like brushing my teeth, it is a constant battle.
and i hate washing dishes so much that sometimes i don’t eat because i don’t want to deal with the dishes. usually this happens when there are already dirty dishes. i feel i need to wash the dishes (which includes unloading and loading the dishwasher) before the bottom of the sink disappears. weird huh? it isn’t that i don’t have any clean dishes (i own a LOT of bowls, Lucy and i ate a lot of things that went in bowls), it is that i find the dish situation unacceptable and cannot eat until it is rectified.
should i tell my therapist about these quirks? i bet everyone has weird stuff like this. right?
the only thing left on my home i want to have done is for it to be professionally painted and new interior doors (solid doors, not cheap hollow doors). there is the katzenbad (cat bathroom) but that doesn’t count. they don’t care and i will do that myself at some point). both of these items are expensive. so, they stay on the list for a while. should i do doors first? doors aren’t cheap and they charge you almost as much to hang them as buy them. can i hang my own doors?
life is pleasant. there are good things and hard things.
i found a playmate and they are a very fun playmate! a generous lover. (THERE WERE NO CAMERAS INVOLVED – seriously, no recordings) and we made great porn tonight (that is as much as you get). perhaps some of it is being physically alienated from people for over a year, perhaps it is getting older, or maybe it is just them, but touching has just been so sensuous. i think maybe i have always been very sexually touchy-feelie though. anyhow, it is a good thing and i appreciate it.
i have also discovered a vibrator that “puffs” instead of vibrates. it is hard to explain except “puff” is an entirely accurate description. anyhow, if you are in the market for a new vibrator, let me know and i will fill you in.
work is hard. there is so much to learn. i know i am still being vague about work but i am not quite comfortable sharing everything yet. i really really like it there. everyone is awesome and the things i am learning are fascinating. of course, i feel behind in some ways. nursing school was a LONG time ago and my cardiac experience is old. but i am getting there. i do have 9 years of nursing experience, even if most of it was hospice. i am very happy where i am. i should have moved sooner but at least i have moved now.
and the new office is a whole new set off people to impress with my baking skills! i baked a pie for fun, made fresh cinnamon rolls for someone’s last night and tonight i will be bringing “coffee cake literally” cupcakes. somewhere else to take my baked goods!
after getting home at almost midnight tonight i finished painting some shoes, finished sewing the pocket on the inside of my red wool cape, made cupcakes and finished a book. it feels good to be accomplishing things when i basically just need to stay awake.
i cannot remember the last time i actually BROKE a pair of frames. college maybe? we were on a family trip and Andy and i were jumping on the beds in the hotel room and my glasses flew off and i stepped on them. maybe? i scratched the hell out of a lenses helping pack the garage once. but broke frames?
the most recent prescription in a pair i have in my “old glasses” drawer is pre-trifocals. so that is pretty old. and i work tomorrow night. won’t be able to go to the optometrist until tuesday afternoon. and i have no health insurance right now. not for another month.
did i mention my lenses cost $500 because the prescription is so complicated? takes weeks for them to be made too.
fucking universe. what the hell did i do?!
i got a job. i am back and St. David’s. please don’t mention it to anyone. i cannot control who reads my blog (apparently more people than i realize) but please don’t chat about it. of course, the fat lady hasn’t sung yet so my stress is not completely gone.
it has been a very nice welcome at St. David’s. lots of people recognize me and have welcomed me back. i haven’t worked there in 5 years, i think? everyone has been super nice and i am falling back into the hospital routine nicely. they have improved SO many processes it just makes me so happy. my therapist was always trying to get me to quit at HACH. and only now do i realize how much stress and anxiety i was holding while working there. we can speculate until the cows come home as to why, but suffice to say feel good. just waiting for that fat lady to sing.
i have tried to glue the arm of my broken glasses back on. we will see how that works.
i got fired. it was weird. at first i wasn’t sure because the phrase used was “go our separate ways”. it gets more complicated but i cannot talk about it yet. i’ll keep you posted.
so much for getting off my anti-anxieties. i should have looked for a new job in October when i thought about it. but the election stress, plus insurrection was just too much. anyhow. now i know.
what else is there really to say?
i am working on two bookcase projects. one is on hold for fiscal reasons but the other was already paid for before i lost my job. it is a bookcase with a frame on the front. it is a ~21″ x 26″ frame. i have painted the bookcase the same color as the wall so it will look like a frame hanging on the wall but 3-dimensional as the books will be in the bookcase. it will be in the cat/sewing room. i plan to hang it tomorrow so i will post a picture soon!
a wonderful friend of the family died recently. i went to the zoom “funeral”. it was actually incredibly well done. i cried at the families struggles. the stories from friends were wonderful. but the anguish of the family. my friends. made me cry. i, more than the vast majority, know how un-personal disease is. when people asked me if it was hard knowing the pt would die, i would say, “by the end i want the pt’s suffering over. but the family, they are the ones i miss.” it just hurts to see the family’s pain. and it hurt extra today.
cheery note – i might have a dinner date. that will be nice.
one of the awesome people i worked with in europe (whom i won’t name incase they would rather remain private) posted a comment today about how i came up in a conversation with another beloved person i worked with in europe back in the day. it was about a comment i made which they have never forgotten “Mend the fence instead of chasing the chickens”. and that they would never forget me. wow, that felt SO good. i just want to leave a positive mark and apparently i have. and i will never forget them. most of my friends are tired of hearing about how i “lived in germany from 1999-2003”. ok, it was a while ago and a lot has changed. apparently they have not fixed the fence though.
having sex really makes one sleep well. thanks for visiting boytoy.
it is weird. i haven’t touched anyone in a year (ok, there was that ONE time i hugged susan) and i have been ok with that (you know, except for missing sex). but now i feel weird. like i have to remember not to touch people again. it helps that i am not a hugger. but the distance feels weird suddenly. i wonder how long it will take to go back to feeling ok again.
hm. what else? still exercising and flossing. lots of spray painting. need to caulk and paint my bathroom vanity. then a water proof coating. gotta work on the red paint spots on my grey carpet in the bedroom (thanks a lot painter guy). um. habitat for humanity will take my 2 bags of bolts and screws. SUPER glad i won’t have to throw them out. still have pockets on my to do list. have a rash on the back of both of my hands. i am guessing all the washing and moisturizing. gets better through the day if i don’t wash my hands (cause i am at home not interacting with anyone). it itches though. still have some outlets to replace. lots to do.
review and rate all my music in iTunes – yeah. it is going to take a while, but it needs to be done. i wish iTunes had 6 stars instead of 5. there are some songs that are just a tiny bit different in quality but don’t deserve to be ditched entirely. anyhow, it is long term on the list.
touch up the paint on the vanity in the bathroom – i still need to finish that last bit of drywall above the mirror. then i can paint the vanity. unless something else unexpected comes up. i mean, why be different than any other time this was the last item on the list.
pockets – and sewing in general. i am getting there. did 3 more skirts on Saturday night while watching Endeavor on BBC america. the young inspector morse is so adorable! and easy. that boy sleeps around a lot. but, sewing, have an apron and a dress in the “partially” done status!
replace outlets – i have been trying to do this since i bought this place. i even have all the outlets. i’ll work on that tomorrow (rewiring outlets is surprisingly easy and lacking for abject terror (because one has a breaker box and can turn off the outlets!))
i guess those are all the big projects. what will i do next?! could start some new recipes. perfect the speed that i make a pie or cinnamon rolls. the more efficient and quick i get, the more often i can bribe, i mean, make them for people!
i play this stupid game all the time on my iPad. it is a game where you match things to eliminate them. it is mostly tiles. sometimes you need to use the tiles to eliminate other things or allow other things to move along a path or leave the board. there are things that get in your way. things that eat your progress. there are a few boards inside the game i like more than others. the one where there is a special tile you have to access to that starts a trail you have to attach to other tiles to. WHY do i enjoy this some much? when a row of tiles disappears (or attaches) it just feels satisfying. i assume this is the organizer in me. it brings me peace to see things in their place. that is all i can come up with. after remolding my bathroom (thus organizing in the new space) i have nothing left. and don’t even say anything about my other bathroom yet. i went $1000 over budget as it is. maybe next year.
i did organize files at work on Monday night (we only had 1 pt). there is a rack with folders with various papers with need. admission packets, report sheets, MARS. and it was a chaos. but now it isn’t. we have a book of signs that go on pt doors. they say things like, “Do not disturb”, “There is a cat in here”, “Do not bring food in here”. The book had a couple of category dividers, but not nearly enough. I sorted them, asked my coworkers if the groups made sense and then made dividers. There were a bunch that were just sitting in the interior pocket of the binder too. Now everything is put away and easier to find. very satisfying. SO satisfying. (and i didn’t throw anything out, just organized it).
i have gotten down to 140lbs. i want to get down to 130lbs. which is what i weighed when i started nursing school. that way everything will fit fine. i did do a big purge. stuff that has sentimental value, but i will never wear again. stuff i admit i just don’t like. stuff i will never be, and don’t want to be, small enough to wear again. not sure how to do it though. i learned in nursing school (and was surprised to learn) that the most successful way to lose weight it diet. but how do i change it? i cannot cook. my food tastes bad. i eat a lot of organic frozen meals. i snack on green apples and peanut butter as there aren’t a lot of other options (raw veggies give me tummy problems). i would like to try intermittent fasting but will my combo of day and night shifts there isn’t a scheduled i can follow. i thought about making me eating hours just night time. but when i work day shift i think it would be too hard. i asked a coworker who did it and she said it took about 3 weeks before she wasn’t hungry all the time. i don’t think i can do that at work. i think i would get lightheaded. sometimes i forget to at an that is what happens (or am too busy at work). do i find a nutritionist and ask them about my problem? how does one find a nutritionalist?
i need to devise a latter for gandalf to get to the shelves in my closet. currently she uses my clothing and had ruined a number of things. i have a long piece of sisal rope for a mother project. i thought of using that. but what kind of latter? could i just tie knots in it and then attach it to the shelf? do i need something with more structure? i’ll google it.
i am torn by the behavior of people during the pandemic. i know people that don’t wear their masks properly. that go places and take risks. SO many people are dying. medical staff is exhausted and getting sick too. i am stir crazy too. i am lonely. i am starved for affection. but i don’t want anyone to die. no one has to die. the torn part is, how do i tell people how i feel? strangers in the grocery store not wearing masks?no problem. but these are people i know. people i respect. people who surprise me with this behavior. i just don’t know what to do or how to do something.
another molar got yanked out. this time on a fiber gummy. it went back in. but this shit is getting old. and i am petrified that they won’t be able to get it back in on of these times and then say i need another implant. i cannot afford another implant. my teeth scare me. very unpredictable.
i had 4 text messages when i woke up saturday evening to go to work. they all referenced how i as going to get to stay in the US because Biden was now the president-elect. as i was sitting at work, i turned to my coworker and said, “I can just feel how less tense my body is since i heard trump lost.” i think i am going to shoot for the new year in terms of coming off my anti-anxieties. might be able to go back to sleeping without anything though. i certainly hope so.
so, bathroom remodel is done except for the mirror. that comes in on friday. not sure how i am going to hang it though. it is REALLY heavy. the old one was stuck on with, what looked like, epoxy. it was a trial by fire and there was an ugly cry. the pipe from the wall was a smidge too low. so, i hired plumber. and that did NOT go well. he was from Stan’s Heating and Air Conditioning. and he was lazy and didn’t seem to think about what he was doing. the last plumber they sent, who fixed my shower, was AMAZING. this guy had to go to home depot because he forgot smoothing. i had asked for the p-trap to be placed and he didn’t do that. he gave me a list of things to buy to do it myself. i should have said something as this was something i had asked for when i called to have them come out. i think he didn’t do it because, again, he had the wrong parts. my pipe is 1 1/4″, he brought 1 1/2″. he also told me that i would be able to set it up offset (which was a BIG deal) but that was not exactly the truth. no, you could not turn the pipe connector and the offset would be 1-2″. NOT helpful. and he got ugly about it. anyhow, when he came back and i pointed out that i needed to be offset by quite a bit and the vanity HAD been where it needed to be when he arrived the day before. again, he hadn’t been paying close enough attention. he then told me it would be another $500 to move the pipe. um, no. anyhow, he put the p-trap in so i had something to model once i got the sink siliconed into the top of the vanity. i accepted that it would not be offset but discovered it wouldn’t even sit flush against the wall. tried to hook it up and it leaked at every joint.
i cried. i ugly cried. in a ball of the floor sobbing. the cats wanted attention since i was on the floor. i just cried at them, “no! i need someone to give to me. i can’t give anymore right now”. they looked hurt.
i am tired of feeling like i have to fight for everything in life. the floor people had to come back 3 more times. the plumbing still wasn’t right. and it takes so much energy. trying to advocate for pts. keeping people at a social distance. i am so very tired of it all.
anyhow, my friend randy had pity for me, took a long lunch, and came over and set it up. he showed me what needed to be done AND it was offset so my vanity is where is is supposed to be! take that Stan’s! (yes, i will be asked for at least some of my money back). anyhow, here is what it looks like without the mirror.
oh, and a few hours later my AC died. seriously, not kidding. coil fix for $3264 or $3800 for a new unit. seriously, 2020? am i that horrible of a person universe? bathroom remodel went over by $1000 thanks to plumbing (pipe and toilet). so, instead of paying for it all in advance i am looking at ~$3800 on my visa (there may be a 0% interest loan i can get). seriously?
i think i have broken my record for home long it has been since i have had sex. old record was 8 months and i was in nursing school. i am now at 9 months thanks to the pandemic. sucks.
in all though, with the election being over, i feel better. i am totally sad about suddenly having these huge expenses. but, you know, it is a pandemic. other people have it worse. i just kinda really wish i weren’t fighting this all alone.
here is one of my favorite election week memes. hit me right in my “graduated from high school in 1987”
i got a good nights sleep. and i ate the same stuff as yesterday, but it is working better today somehow. i don’t know. i just feel more calm today. serious disaster could still happy. and i will totally freakout if it does. but today, i dunno, i am just more calm about it. i don’t like i suddenly feel, “well, there is nothing i can do so i won’t worry about it”. i am very worried, i am just not as hysterical today. perhaps it is because i am working on my bathroom today.
i am going to drill the hole for my sink in my vanity. i have talked to MANY people. i feel safe in the knowledge, i feel i can do it right, i rented a jigsaw at home depot (only because lowe’s doesn’t rent tools). plumber comes on monday to deal with the drain pipe that is a smidge too low (see picture below). mirror comes back on friday the 13th. it cost WAY more than i had planned (like that toilet i didn’t really want to have to buy; though i like it lot more than my old one) and now the plumbing complications. i did stand up for myself, as i always do, and the floor is now perfect. no more random wrong tiles (see before/after photos below).
so, the day before my last day at work before my two weeks of holiday, i had an appointment with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. ever since RBG died i have been completely freaked out. i cannot listen to NPR, i cannot read articles like i used to, i ask my friends who start to talk about politics and the election to stop or i walk away. this is surprising. patrick and i followed politics quite a bit. we always email each other a number of times on the day of the election. he sent me a screen shot of texas being blue the first election i lived here (they had only counted travis county)! but right now, i cannot handle it. from either side. everything is so extreme. falsehoods on both sides. i love to listen to discussions on economics normally (yes, i am that nerd. though i found the classes really hard. of course, i was 18). but people lie about the data so much. both sides (though more the conservatives right now). today’s GDP numbers must be analyzed in its context, for instance. and i am DEATHLY afraid there is going to be violence on the day of and after the election. no one is going to accept the outcome. crazy conservatives have already done crazy things; like plotting to abduct the governor of michigan. see, nuts! and i heard interviews on NPR today (i have gotten VERY quick with the off button) with liberals buying guns because they fear it too!
anyhow, so they day before my last day at work i had a visit (virtual) with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. she thought it was perfectly reasonable, all things considered. i didn’t want to increase my benzos. while ativan is lovely, it is easily escalated. that had been what i said when i contacted her about the appointment; that i needed something other than more benzos. (more details than you need, FOCUS heather!) so, she wrote for Gabapentin (who knew you could use it for anxiety!) and Seroquel (which scares the crap out of me). the gabapentin i take 3 times a day as needed and the seroquel at bedtime. seroquel scares me because it is an anti-psychotic and i have had pts on it so the voices would stop. ok, they were on 600mg and i was getting 25mg, but it is still a serious medication.
well, the gabapentin has helped. the seroquel, not so much. i sleep hard, but only for about 6-hours. i am an 8-hour girl all the way. so, you know, some help.
but then i went to work on friday and got written up. basically for being sarcastic. and because my coworkers complain about me a lot. they are afraid of me. i got written up a few year’s ago for being “disrespectful” to a coworker because i was trying to convince other coworkers to talk to management about her. it was super bogus because…it just was. anyhow, my boss now made the comment she didn’t understand how long they would hold that against me. she said she thought it should just be a verbal warning but whatever (i appreciated that on her part). but we talked about a lot of stuff. i had told the naked picture story earlier (ask me next time we chat, i am not blogging the details). and i know that i can be sarcastic and critical. sarcasm was the language we spoke at home. but i wish people would say something. i don’t see it. really, i don’t. because it feels normal to me. this was a problem patrick and i had. it was hurtful, but he didn’t tell me. i HONESTLY didn’t know. i still don’t know. and no one will say anything. how will i learn if no one says anything?
and now i am petrified i am going to get fired. it seems like they have fired other people for lesser things. and i am single. and i just remodeled my bathroom (the money was spent before my holiday started). and, not surprisingly, i don’t have savings to fall back on. and unemployment won’t even pay my mortgage.
so, good timing on the anti-anxiety meds. and they have helped. but not today. i have been thinking about blogging about my anxiety for weeks. today though. today it is BAD. my sleeping has been pretty good. so has my exercising. eating hasn’t been very good, but mostly because i haven’t been eating much, not that i have been eating poorly. in fact, i have been good about groceries. today, perhaps i should have eaten more food considering the coffee and other prescribed medications. but still. wow.
i mean, i know, i can only go forward each day. but, really, so much right now. it is like, every time i think i have encountered the most stressful thing (like getting laid off from HP during the, then, greatest recession of my lifetime) the universe sends me something even more incredible. and here i thought completely retraining during an economic disaster was going to be the worst. oh my god.
so, here are some pictures of stuff going on in my life recently.