huh. I totally had something breathtaking I wanted to post.

but, as usual, I cannot remember what it is. getting old bites.

let’s start with the photos then.

went to the Edgar Allen Poe reading, as read by The Dead Edgar, at The Glass Coffin this weekend. my outfit was inspired if I do say so myself.

The Dead Edgar reading one of his most morose and lugubrious romantic poems.

it is, as though, any moment now the Absinthe will arrive.

as I await my fate with Nosferatu as my guide,
I pride myself on my sense of fashion. this young Lolita’s outfit took my breath away.

I love to visit cemeteries. I love old mausoleums and headstones and vaults. I have been to Pere Lachaise numerous times. I have been to cemeteries in Hungary and The Czech Republic. but never Highgate cemetery in London. why? why did Patrick and I never visit Highgate?! so many amazing members of humanity’s history are buried there. Michael Faraday is buried there! (I will rectify this error as soon as there is a break in the resurgent variants).

I have started to sing this to myself when I was my hands at work…

guess who got a onesie! cuddle party!

Joey is going to have an event at The Glass Coffin called “People Reading Naked”. it is as it sounds, people who ARE naked will read to people who are NOT naked. I have found a “Little Edgar” Edgar Allen Poe children’s book to read. it tells the story of Nevermore with text kids can understand and the original text (abbreviated) as well.

oops. sorry.

I didn’t not realize it has been 3 months since I last blogged! sorry about that. time flies. seriously, days are a blur. November was insane. it was the second and then it was thanksgiving. totally bizarre. I suppose one of the reasons my last post was so long ago is that we changed my meds. my psychiatrist and I felt things at St. David’s were mellowing out, I was feeling more comfortable and confident. so we stopped a med (we discovered I had been taking a sub-therapeutic dose of anyway) and decreased one of my anti-anxieties. nope. wrong. bad idea. and I knew it QUICKLY. like in a week. so we went back on them and things got better. now I am spooked about changing anything but do feel that we should try again maybe after I have been with st. david’s for a year (March). anyhow, things are pretty good otherwise.

playmate is going well. attended shrine (a type of party in austin). it wasn’t what I had hoped, but it was nice to be around like-minded (about sex) people. even saw someone I work with there. we are going to try again and change where we go and at what times. we will see. in general though, great playmate and the sex does wonders for my stress relief.

baked 8 pies for thanksgiving. 2 blackberry, a pecan, a non-dairy chocolate cream and 4 pumpkin. I took two pumpkin and half a pecan to the office (I did not work that day). the night after thanksgiving I was both dismayed and delighted that my fellow nurses had not finished both pumpkin pies! I was dismayed because, HEY, I BROUGHT YOU 2 AND A HALF HOMEMADE PIES! but I was delighted because I didn’t get enough pumpkin pie up until that point so MORE PUMPKIN PIE FOR ME!

look! pie for me!

a sucky thing that has happened lately, and makes me feel weird, is in the last 2 weeks (maybe a month) 3 of my friends have been diagnosed with cancer. one colon mets to the liver, one nasal and one breast. was there with the them and the doctor in two cases. it just feels weird. these friends of mines lives are being threatened! they all have great prognosis so far, but still, they could die. how is that possible? are my friends and I too young? well, no, this is when that starts to happen. but I love these people.I told two of them I would go to every chemo appointment when I wasn’t working, even if I worked the night before. and I will. I will fight SO hard for them! but I will also respect their will. no “don’t give up” talks from me. that is mean. I will be there for them ALL. THE. TIME. the universe sucks. my dad is perfectly healthy (as far as we know) having smoked and drank his life away. and yet my friends, MY FRIENDS, have cancer. the universe is an asshole these days.

gonna have to leave texas if the supreme court overturns Roe v Wade. don’t want to leave my friends but cannot stay in a state that caused that. if they over turn it completely and abortion isn’t legal in any state, I will seriously look into moving abroad. canada is the easiest. i’d rather go to the UK. one step at a time.

my friend Joey, who owns The Glass Coffin: Vampire Parlor is having a “Naked People Reading” event and I wanna be a reader! do you think that would be a problem at work? I cannot decide. here is a picture of my halloween outfit at the grand reopening of The Glass Coffin.

halloween! I went to The Glass Coffin, thai food, went to see my second favorite band (The Hives) and took reese’s to my coworkers who had to work on my very favorite holiday!

I was in an article in the Austin Monthly about Death Positivity in Austin. it was weird. the whole first paragraph is about me. and I get quoted a lot. it is quite flattering but also weird. we have received a bunch of publicity as a result. supposedly a bunch of new people are going to show up this sunday. we will see what happens. I hope the people that are interested “get it” and aren’t disappointed because we don’t advocate or sell anything. it is a discussion group about death.

all my current round of condo-projects are complete. the spare bathroom is remodeled (see below). I built a new dining table (pictures don’t do it justice – no I did not lathe that queen ann legs, I bought them).next condo thing I want to do with have the entire place repainted (except the two bathrooms and my bedroom as those have already been done). that will cost THOUSANDS of dollars though. I want to replace all the internal doors with solid core doors but doors are expensive and then it costs just as much again to have them hung! perhaps I will just do one at a time. each door with cost like $600 so I can only afford one at a time. it would be great to get my bedroom and bathroom doors redone though. I should really start saving for that. it would look MUCH nicer with those doors rehung,

isn’t the new spare bathroom just BEAUTIFUL?
lucy would have loved the hell out of this bathroom!
this is Scruffie the parking lot cat! yes, the second parking lot cat who came to live with me. this particular cat WALKED into my neighbor Bonnie’t condo one day. we had been trying to trap her for over a year and one day she just walked right in. again, I have the biggest condo of all the cat people so she is living in my spare bedroom as Snape would try and kill her. not sure what I am going to do but she LOVES rubs!
my new more-mini Mini Cooper. it is a 4-door but still far more mini than my previous countryman. my lease was up on that car so I had to buy a new one. had to order this one builds because they had NO new cars on the lot. everyone bought cars during the pandemic. I have named her Wednesday. not only does she look like a Wednesday, I picked her up on a Wednesday!
I put an elastic waist into this overlay for this outfit. I had seen a similar dress online that was expensive and not in my size, so I made my own. I was terrified about sewing with tulle as I have heard nightmare stories but it went ok. I had an existing seam to mark from so that helped a lot. but still, I am darn proud!

deep thoughts

felt weird calling it relationships. so, i was listening to Hidden Brain while working on my bookcase project and it was an episode on marriage. they talked about how marriage used to be about combining assets and how “bakers married bakers because you needed help from someone who knew the business”. and then there was the notion of marrying for love. (there as a part about how men were the first time be about love matches because they could marry down but women still had to marry for class. whatever). when they started talking about marrying for love they talked about how divorce has gone up over time and that what you really need to do is find someone that has the same values as you (sort of). and not just “everyone in the world should get the chance at a good education, let’s support organizations that strive for that” kind of values but what one values in a relationship. there was a period where the idea was you love match would fulfill everything for you. they are your other half. but it turns out this is asking a bit much. that you need to diversify where you get your needs met. i like that idea. but how do you decide which needs you need met from your partner and which needs you need to get somewhere else? i agree, a marriage cannot be everything, but how do you know what you need it to be? if you aren’t going to subscribe to the “my partner is my best friend” relationship, how do you decide what needs being met by your partner are the ones that make it “a marriage”? i think everyone has things that they must get from their spouse/partner, but how are you sure those are the ones and how do you find someone that will meet them? and won’t they change over time?

the most important relationship thing to be is being remembered. sometimes that is literally remembering me, that we had plans, that you are supposed to pick me up. but it is also remembering that i was going to give that presentation or talk with my boss and asking me about it before i have to bring it up. it means you remember what is going on in my life and want to know how it is going. that you are actively interested in how i am doing. if you want to stab me in the heart say something like “oh, you had a talk with your boss? why?” when we had already talked about it and i had expressed how important or worried or excited i was about it. if you want to warm my heart, ask how i am doing on the covid unit, that you know i wanted to learn the skills to support that level of care and now that i have been doing it for a while how did i feel about it.

but there must be more that i want out of a relationship, right? i don’t need to live with someone (i am still convinced patrick and i would still be married if we lived next-door to each other instead of in the same space). i don’t need to see someone everyday. i don’t need to talk to them everyday but would like frequent reminders they are thinking about me, remembering me. i’d REALLY like to enjoy the same bands but that isn’t a show stopper. it would just make socializing nicer. i’d like someone that would feed me. lucy fed me. that was how she showed she cared about me. that was why i gained so much weight after she died. i ate everything in sight because that was a symbol of what i had lost when she died. that expression of caring. being i am so bad at feeding myself this would be a great symbol of love for me.

i don’t need financial support but i would like someone to talk me down when i want to spend money i don’t need to or shouldn’t. i wish patrick had done that. but i am sure he was afraid to. and it would probably have taken some getting used to on my part, but it would have been good for me and the relationship i think.

what about general emotional heavy lifting? like, supporting you through grief? or when losing a job? or when you have a fight with a friend and you are sad? or when you crash your car? what about sickness? there is a model about serious illness where “complaining” or coping is circles of relationships and you can only complain out, you cannot complain in (the sick person is the center, they can complain/express difficulty in coping to anyone else, next circle is partner, and they cannot complain to the sick person but they can to anyone in the other circles. make sense? i am a strong believer in this model). is that something that your partner MUST be willing to do? so, you get a cancer diagnosis, and your partner isn’t good at dealing with stuff like that, is that ok? this sort of example makes me feel there are some things that all partners must be able to provide. right? there must be others.

everyone knows monogamy isn’t that important to me. but i respect it if my partner wants it (assuming my sexual needs are being met in that monogamous relationship). i think it is fun to share experience stories like two teenage girls after they kiss their first boy. patrick and i would giggle. he briefly dated someone he said had the tiniest nipples he had ever seen. it sounded adorable and i loved hearing about it! i almost feel that if you are poly and are uncomfortable talking about it, there is a problem with jealousy. of course, i can understand if someone might have a hard time comparing themselves to their partner’s playmate and that might be hard. i am just confident that my partner isn’t going to leave me because they have sex with someone else. also, i know i cannot be everything my partner wants sexually (though i always try very hard!) so if my partner finds some special satisfaction with a playmate, i am fine with that. just don’t forget me.

what else is there? i feel like i must be missing tons of stuff. of course, it is 2:45am. but i slept until almost 2 today so i should be fine. sorry, all the ideas have left my head at this point. i will try and post about them when they pop into my head.

ever wonder what i eat at work being i have a hard time feeding myself and i work nightshift so the cafeteria isn’t open? this is what i have every shift (seriously, i have been doing this for months):
-small caprese salad
-apples and extra chunky peanut butter
-some tunafish
-a quarter of a baguette which i use to make a little sandwich with my tunafish
-a frozen meal (lots of my comfort food Amy’s Broccoli and Cheddar Bake but also Saffron road curries)
-cut up fruit (going through a watermelon period)

sometimes i bring left-overs (usually chinese) and they feed us at the office a lot these days (we have more covid pts in texas now than we ever have. and they are sicker). the office bought me BBQ for my birthday (yes, i worked my birthday. it is a pandemic, it was a tuesday and my playmate is out of town). but mostly i eat those items listed above. every shift. i figure it is pretty good for me. maybe too much cheese. anyhow, that is what i eat at work. (oh! and i make all my lunches the night before my first shift when i stay up as late as i can to flip my sleep schedule. yep, still highly organized!)

i have forgotten the pain of remodeling my master bath so i am now remodeling Lucy’s bathroom (i think she would love what i am doing). i ripped out the vanity. it was very satisfying.

i think this explains it well

this is what i do when my hair is a mess. i put together a super cute outfit with a hair turban. what dirty hair?!

have i posted my platelet donation outfit? you get cold donating platelets because they chill the blood when they separate the platelets. that is cold blood going right into your vein! anyhow, i found these super cute leggings on etsy. problem is, i live in texas. who can wear thick polyester leggings in texas? platelet donation solved that problem!

the covid unit

i worked the Covid unit for the first time this week. one of the reasons i wanted to go to a critical care floor was to take care of Covid pts. and it was interesting. and i learned a lot. but it has also super bummed me out. i admitted a guy who was on 2L when he got there, walked from the stretcher to the bed. next night, he was on 50L and desat every time he moved. like at all. even to reposition. he had to be prone too. i would be miserable prone. i sleep on my back and if i sleep on my front my arms go numb. he went to the unit. who knows what happened next. and still, people don’t vaccinate. i had a friend that got a mild case. he said, “guess i should have gotten my second shot”. what-the-everliving-fuck is wrong with you! i am a damn nurse! when i took care of Covid pts on hospice, they were already there. the guy i admitted this week, i saw his incredibly fast decline. it was stunning and i am bummed. don’t get me wrong, i will take care of Covid pts everyday if they need me to. but, please people, get vaccinated.

i wish there was something i could destroy today. i think that would make me feel better. i think i am ready to start remodeling the spare bathroom. but one should not just start destroying things. especially since the litter box is in there. i would need to commit to moving it to the sewing room for a while. i need an overall plan first. i am going to get a quote on retiling my showers. i think i will throw in the floor in the spare bathroom too. i can do the rest of it myself though.

i realize this is a GIANT picture of a raspberry with vanilla cream tarte. but i am SO proud of it! first baked good where i really needed to use my hand mixer though. normally i had mix. in this case i had to mix the flour and butter enough they looked coarse. only the hand mixer did that successfully.
wearing my new dress, with my new beads, carrying my new carpet bag with my second favorite pair of fluevogs (which wear beige and i painted black!) in New Orleans last month.
going out for tea and scones!

i baked a lot of cupcakes this weekend

went to a party, started to make cupcakes, messed up the recipe (never do it from memory heather), did it again. then made some for work. i am cupcakes out.

just for the record, all partners/playmates bring something different to bed. there is no perfect partner/playmate. you experience something meaningful with each of them, or you don’t go to bed with them. there are all sorts of adjectives you can use to describe your partner/playmate in bed. purple is odd though.

now that the CDC says i can roam free, it feels weird. kyle and i went to dinner at the last restaurant we ate at before the stay-at-home orders were put in place (the next day, it turned out). we even sat at the same table we sat at that last night over 14 months ago! (see photo below – that’s my male BFF Kyle).

i am on my own at work. i am doing ok. sure wish i could talk about my pts. but, nope.

i made this dress. the hem isn’t even and there are a couple of other things i need to adjust, but, look at it!
I MADE IT!

since seeing a painting in paris i have always wanted a dress with a heart cut-out. i found one. i am also wearing the Fluevogs that i painted! yep, i painted them black.
i bought the top in this photo from one of my favorite german designers, Femkit. it was also on sale. BOOM!

have i already posted this? i just makes me SO happy! fiscal hip-hop!
Dessa’s – Who’s Yellen Now?

Dessa sings a lot of Hip-Hop style music. i am not sure how else to explain it other than it is woman, reality proud.

yesterday was World Fluevog Day and i did NOT buy a pair of Fluevogs. of course, i am going to the oddities expo with Morbid Curiosity in june and will go to the store. but, baby steps.

hemming a full skirt is a bitch. just so you know.

brushing my teeth is essential

i mean, brushing one’s teeth is essential for everyone but for me it is a requirement for a good shower. see, if i don’t brush my teeth first, i don’t enjoy my shower as much. i do having to get up and brush my teeth and take a shower. it is busy work and i don’t want to waste the time, but i do want clean teeth and a clean body (especially after my morning workout). if i can convince myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth, i am ready for the day. but since i don’t like brushing my teeth, it is a constant battle.

and i hate washing dishes so much that sometimes i don’t eat because i don’t want to deal with the dishes. usually this happens when there are already dirty dishes. i feel i need to wash the dishes (which includes unloading and loading the dishwasher) before the bottom of the sink disappears. weird huh? it isn’t that i don’t have any clean dishes (i own a LOT of bowls, Lucy and i ate a lot of things that went in bowls), it is that i find the dish situation unacceptable and cannot eat until it is rectified.

should i tell my therapist about these quirks? i bet everyone has weird stuff like this. right?

the only thing left on my home i want to have done is for it to be professionally painted and new interior doors (solid doors, not cheap hollow doors). there is the katzenbad (cat bathroom) but that doesn’t count. they don’t care and i will do that myself at some point). both of these items are expensive. so, they stay on the list for a while. should i do doors first? doors aren’t cheap and they charge you almost as much to hang them as buy them. can i hang my own doors?

if you look closely you can see some fish on the screen of Spot the iPad. it is a game for cats. Gandalf LOVES it. it it quite adorable to watch her bat at the screen.
there are a pair of Fluevog boots i really want to buy. but i am going to wait. i am going to wait until i sell some of my Fluevogs i don’t wear much and i can try them on in the store in NOLA when i am there in June for the Oddity Expo with Morbid Curiosity.
i could not for the life of me find my shoe. i knew that the last time i had seen it i was in the kitchen. i looked EVERYWHERE (even inside kitchen cabinets which really scared me because if i found it in a kitchen cabinet that would be bad). and then i had to move the cat condo so the man coming to install my new blind would have room. and there is was. i dark grey shoe against a black and grey cat condo.
i have always wanted a dress that had a heart shaped cut out on the chest. there was a painting in paris of a woman in a gold dress with a heart cut out. also a photo from a fashion magazine of a woman in a black with dress a heart cutout ringed in white fabric. well, now i have found one. i found it on #wolfandbadger. i am also wearing my newly painted Flue-nicorns. (a Flue-nicorn is a pair of Fluevogs that you dream of but are as rare as a unicorn). see before and ofter photo of Flue-nicorns below.

the sky is really the limit on shoes now. bad.

pleasantness

life is pleasant. there are good things and hard things.

i found a playmate and they are a very fun playmate! a generous lover. (THERE WERE NO CAMERAS INVOLVED – seriously, no recordings) and we made great porn tonight (that is as much as you get). perhaps some of it is being physically alienated from people for over a year, perhaps it is getting older, or maybe it is just them, but touching has just been so sensuous. i think maybe i have always been very sexually touchy-feelie though. anyhow, it is a good thing and i appreciate it.

i have also discovered a vibrator that “puffs” instead of vibrates. it is hard to explain except “puff” is an entirely accurate description. anyhow, if you are in the market for a new vibrator, let me know and i will fill you in.

work is hard. there is so much to learn. i know i am still being vague about work but i am not quite comfortable sharing everything yet. i really really like it there. everyone is awesome and the things i am learning are fascinating. of course, i feel behind in some ways. nursing school was a LONG time ago and my cardiac experience is old. but i am getting there. i do have 9 years of nursing experience, even if most of it was hospice. i am very happy where i am. i should have moved sooner but at least i have moved now.

and the new office is a whole new set off people to impress with my baking skills! i baked a pie for fun, made fresh cinnamon rolls for someone’s last night and tonight i will be bringing “coffee cake literally” cupcakes. somewhere else to take my baked goods!

after getting home at almost midnight tonight i finished painting some shoes, finished sewing the pocket on the inside of my red wool cape, made cupcakes and finished a book. it feels good to be accomplishing things when i basically just need to stay awake.

i had my hair braided at Sherwood Forrest Faire.

and on the 385th day of March 2020, i broke my glasses

i cannot remember the last time i actually BROKE a pair of frames. college maybe? we were on a family trip and Andy and i were jumping on the beds in the hotel room and my glasses flew off and i stepped on them. maybe? i scratched the hell out of a lenses helping pack the garage once. but broke frames?

the most recent prescription in a pair i have in my “old glasses” drawer is pre-trifocals. so that is pretty old. and i work tomorrow night. won’t be able to go to the optometrist until tuesday afternoon. and i have no health insurance right now. not for another month.

did i mention my lenses cost $500 because the prescription is so complicated? takes weeks for them to be made too.

fucking universe. what the hell did i do?!

i got a job. i am back and St. David’s. please don’t mention it to anyone. i cannot control who reads my blog (apparently more people than i realize) but please don’t chat about it. of course, the fat lady hasn’t sung yet so my stress is not completely gone.

it has been a very nice welcome at St. David’s. lots of people recognize me and have welcomed me back. i haven’t worked there in 5 years, i think? everyone has been super nice and i am falling back into the hospital routine nicely. they have improved SO many processes it just makes me so happy. my therapist was always trying to get me to quit at HACH. and only now do i realize how much stress and anxiety i was holding while working there. we can speculate until the cows come home as to why, but suffice to say feel good. just waiting for that fat lady to sing.

i have tried to glue the arm of my broken glasses back on. we will see how that works.

my kitkat clock only has one eye because he fell off the wall and it got damaged. the damaged eye meant the eyes and tail would not go back and forth. but when i took the one eye out, it worked. i need to devise a patch for the missing eye!
i went to visit my friend Luna at her vintage store in Temple one day and i decided to dress up. she is a milliner and a seamstress extraordinare! i felt i needed to wear a hat. ok, i really wanted to dress up and wear a hat. it was a lovely visit.
you cannot see them very well because of the shadow, but i found some very inexpensive glass drawer knobs and used them to hang my necklaces in the bookcase (this is the bookcase that is getting the facade, don’t worry i won’t have an all white bookcase). this lightened up how my goth vanity looked as they have been hanging all over there. i am just very proud of this idea and the execution. anyone have a project for me? i am on a roll.
this was another bookcase project. i needed a bookcase in my sewing/cat room for my sewing and fashion books. but i wanted something that did the rest of the style of the room justice. i had seen a spin on what i ended up doing and just loved the idea. i bought an old vintage frame, had a box the side of the frame made (asked the guy who made the box out to dinner but he flaked. i was sad. i really enjoyed talking to him) and then painted, glued and hung them together! DO NOT EVEN TRY TO HANG SOMETHING THIS BIG ON A WALL BY YOURSELF. i was dripping in sweat. and y’all know i do not sweat. as it is the Lucy memorial room, i put her votive candles in the bookcase. she watches me sew and the cats frolic.

wow, just wow.

i got fired. it was weird. at first i wasn’t sure because the phrase used was “go our separate ways”. it gets more complicated but i cannot talk about it yet. i’ll keep you posted.

so much for getting off my anti-anxieties. i should have looked for a new job in October when i thought about it. but the election stress, plus insurrection was just too much. anyhow. now i know.

what else is there really to say?

i am working on two bookcase projects. one is on hold for fiscal reasons but the other was already paid for before i lost my job. it is a bookcase with a frame on the front. it is a ~21″ x 26″ frame. i have painted the bookcase the same color as the wall so it will look like a frame hanging on the wall but 3-dimensional as the books will be in the bookcase. it will be in the cat/sewing room. i plan to hang it tomorrow so i will post a picture soon!

a wonderful friend of the family died recently. i went to the zoom “funeral”. it was actually incredibly well done. i cried at the families struggles. the stories from friends were wonderful. but the anguish of the family. my friends. made me cry. i, more than the vast majority, know how un-personal disease is. when people asked me if it was hard knowing the pt would die, i would say, “by the end i want the pt’s suffering over. but the family, they are the ones i miss.” it just hurts to see the family’s pain. and it hurt extra today.

cheery note – i might have a dinner date. that will be nice.

got an amazing comment

one of the awesome people i worked with in europe (whom i won’t name incase they would rather remain private) posted a comment today about how i came up in a conversation with another beloved person i worked with in europe back in the day. it was about a comment i made which they have never forgotten “Mend the fence instead of chasing the chickens”. and that they would never forget me. wow, that felt SO good. i just want to leave a positive mark and apparently i have. and i will never forget them. most of my friends are tired of hearing about how i “lived in germany from 1999-2003”. ok, it was a while ago and a lot has changed. apparently they have not fixed the fence though.

having sex really makes one sleep well. thanks for visiting boytoy.

it is weird. i haven’t touched anyone in a year (ok, there was that ONE time i hugged susan) and i have been ok with that (you know, except for missing sex). but now i feel weird. like i have to remember not to touch people again. it helps that i am not a hugger. but the distance feels weird suddenly. i wonder how long it will take to go back to feeling ok again.


my kitkat clock has a broken eye. well, the eye is fine but there is “friction” which keeps the tail going back and forth. i am wondering if i should make it an eye patch. it is sorta creepy without one eye.

hm. what else? still exercising and flossing. lots of spray painting. need to caulk and paint my bathroom vanity. then a water proof coating. gotta work on the red paint spots on my grey carpet in the bedroom (thanks a lot painter guy). um. habitat for humanity will take my 2 bags of bolts and screws. SUPER glad i won’t have to throw them out. still have pockets on my to do list. have a rash on the back of both of my hands. i am guessing all the washing and moisturizing. gets better through the day if i don’t wash my hands (cause i am at home not interacting with anyone). it itches though. still have some outlets to replace. lots to do.