I have 8 bazillion photos

But, I haven’t been able to edit them all. And I keep trying to get through it. But there are SO MANY. Today though, today I had to post a video.

This is from the roof deck of my building (I did end up buying that listing that I posted here way back in May. I have photos of that too!) It snowed today! Those blue windows near the end of the video? Those are over my bed. 🖤

A quick update

So, I didn’t move to Philadelphia last October as I planned. I had a job, but could not sell my condo. But now I have sold it. I start a job with Temple University Hospital 6/5. I am also buying a new condo. Here is the MLS link: 1238 Callowhill St #808

I want to change the spiral staircase to a staircase with a slide. The do exist. I googled them. I just think it will be easier and less scary to slide down than walk down. It will depend on the space. I’ll keep you posted. (And cannot possibly afford one. Consulted some handy friends on making it. Complicated).

I will be on the Heart Failure floor at Temple University Hospital. LVADS and the whole nine-yards. I am perfecting reading EKG strips like a Cardiologist!

Gandalf has not been excited about all these changes (Did y’all know Snape went to live with my friend Fred’s mom? They are very happy together. Though, it appears Snape likes Susan’s neighbor Richard the most). First I remove a bunch of things from our home. Then I repaint everything white and remove virtually everything! She basically sits on top of me all the time. Makes me think she was abandoned, not born on the streets. But she is definitely coming with me. I decided that one plane ride was going to be easier than 4 days in the car. Getting her some drugs. We will see. I think she will really like my new place as she’ll have lots of things to run on (see photos in link above).

My friend Kimberly took an awesome picture of me while we were wondering around Unusual Objects a few week ago.

In February we had an ice storm. Not as bad as the Snowpocolpse in Feb 2021. People were without power longer (I was fine). But, there was ice on the road. And I don’t drive on ice. The hospital offered to pay for Lyft drivers. Seriously? Unless that Lyft driver shows me their Winconsin drivers license because they only moved to Austin two weeks ago, I AM NOT GOING TO FEEL ANYMORE SAFE THAN IF I WERE DRIVING! So, I slept at the hospital for 2 days. My coworkers were amused by me Leopard onesey.

I took my my morning shower in the VIP room!

Speaking of nursing…I had to wear the light blue scrubs of shame twice in the last month. What are those you ask? Those are the surgical scrubs you have to change into when you get an unpleasant patient body fluid on you (or anyone else really, though it is normally a patient’s body fluids). The time in the photograph it was poop. The next time it was urine. Sigh.

(Pretty cute nurse though, right?)

Sorry it has been like a year since I posted. All sorts of weird life decisions and changes. I am gong to miss my friend’s in Austin VERY, VERY MUCH. But most of them are planning their exit from Austin (and certainly Texas, as well). I just cannot do our governor (Oh sure, more and more people (and kids) being shot in public isn’t about guns, it is about mental health. Oh wait, did’t you gut the mental health budget a couple of years ago? Say something to the effect that it was people just not being responsible?) and the heat. Global warming is real. And Texas is getting unbearable. So! Philadelphia has seasons, and bands, and bullet trains to NYC and history. Please feel free to come visit! Maybe my spiral staircase/slide will be set-up already!

So many strings

So, my friend Jenna is dying of Stage 4 Colon cancer. I am too old to work night shift so am going to day shift and am just a bit nervous. While I fixed the “Cat detect fault” on my Litter Robot I still have the “Bonnet removed” problem. My two weeks of holiday were amazing. I am leaving Texas. Between the heat and the politics, I cannot take it anymore. Snape is happy in her new home. The new med I am taking for my anxiety is working. I had the absolutely, positively worse day last week. Let’s take these one at a time.

I worked at Christopher House with Jenna. I was there when he MD told her she had Stage 4 Colon cancer with mets to the liver. She told me I was part of her inner circle and she was going to try the chemo route first because I was there to help her. She was going in for her last chemo treatment and the labs showed her Bilirubin was high. They admitted her to the hospital. She messaged me to call. She said she had a CT and the tumor’s had stopped responding to the chemo and had grown significantly. Her Oncologist was going to talk to GI to see if there was anything that could be done to bring down her Bilirubin. You see, with her Bilirubin that high, it meant her body couldn’t process the chemo out. If her body couldn’t process the chemo out she would die from the chemo. So either her Bilirubin could be brought down or she had 3 months. She texted me later. She had 3 months. And it is SO weird! I have seen a lot of people die. I have seen a lot of young people die. But they weren’t my friend. One I hung out with. Jenna was going to stop existing in about 3 months. And it is just so hard to get your head around that. I don’t believe in a consciousness after death. Yes, energy is conserved, but we cease to think. So, in 3 months Jenna will just stop existing. How is that possible? How does that work? She moved to her sister’s house in the PNW to be out of the heat and with family for her last months. Her biggest worry is her dogs finding a home. It seems that may have been solved. I told her sister I would fly up and take shifts taking care of her when she becomes bedridden. I want to be there. But I am not sure how I will adjust to her not existing.

This is Jenna at the Sherwood Forest Faire. She didn’t actually drink a bottle of Mead (though her last name IS Mead). I pulled it out of the trash for the picture. It was a splendid day.

I am going to day shift. The lack of regular sleep and losing of precious time off is just too hard. I asked for a raise to offset the loss of shift diff. They gave me more than I asked for. That is nice. Hopefully, I will feel more even. Hopefully, my depression and anxiety will be improved. Hopefully, I won’t lose my mind working with doctors and families. Light a candle.

The Litter Robot thing is just annoying.

My two weeks holiday in California and Philadelphia were amazing! I don’t think I have ever taken two weeks off before. I was able to disconnect for nursing and politics for two weeks. I went to an amazing music festival. I visited my mom and Christine. I went to Philadelphia to see NIN with my playmate. It was amazing. See just a small portion of the phots below!

I bought my playmate a special bouquet on our one year Sex-iversary!

Being that my playmate and I have passed the one-year mark. And he told his mother. And he makes a great travel companion. I have been thinking about dating again. I feel like I have enough energy for it now. Of course, if I am leaving Texas within the year it sort of defeats the purpose. I mean, I won’t stay in Texas for them so why complicate my life? And what am I looking for in a partner? I don’t really want to live with anyone ever again. But it would be nice to sit on a couch and talk about work and friends and watch tv or read a book. I’d like them to come to my things. But not all of them. I was booth girl this weekend at the Oddities and Curiosities Expo. Would I have wanted them to come by? Yes. Would have been that important? Not really. I do want them to attend shows with me. I would like them to support me emotionally. How far? I am not sure. Certainly hold me when I am sad. Defend me when I cannot defend myself. Go on holiday together, but not every time is required. Listen to my dreams and fears. And I would do the same for them. Andreas had this thing about tit-for-tat. If something was important and I did it for him, he had to do it for me. But there were things I didn’t care about. But he just couldn’t handle that. I found it silly. Equality of paramount. But, that doesn’t mean we want or need all the same things. How do you figure that out?

This is a non-alcoholic cocktail. It is geared to help you sleep. And I think it does. Tastes a bit odd. But whatever works.

I have started Ketamine for anxiety. It has helped a lot. There is a weird on hour (and I mean one hour, drops off very quickly) where I take a ride. The world moves around me. I have never been high before and this seems like what that is. But, like I said, it is gone within an hour. I just lay in my bed a read (no visual stuff happens). I do giggle a lot. Vertical is bad. My psychiatrist says that I look like a new person. Of course, I was leaving on holiday the day following my appointment, so I was quite happy. But I feel better too. Hopefully between that and day shift things will be more under control.

I believe I am moving to Philadelphia. I really enjoyed my visit (see photos above). Great architecture. An hour by train to NYC. Close to DC. Mass Transit! Lots of hospitals and medical centers. Seasons! I can afford to buy a new condo. The Muetter Museum! It will take about 5 months to get my license so it looks like moving next spring (seems foolish to move in the winter). I plan on contacting hospitals in the short term to see if they can speed up my license transfer. If that doesn’t work, I will visit again in September/October to research more about where I would like to work and where I would like to live. I will miss the best group of friends I have had in my life. The goth crowd here has been amazing. But I cannot stand Texas any longer.

Snape is living with my neighbor. Both my neighbor and Snape seem to be VERY happy. Snape just needed her own human. Gandalf is driving me nuts. The neediness is off the chain. Even Kyle commented on it when he was pet-sitting for me. I want to get her a kitten. The only thing is, every time I look at the Austin Animal Center website I get sad and want to adopt them all. See I am getting sad right now.

My day started with my car not starting (bought it in Oct). Then I had a rough set of pts. Then on my way home one of my front teeth fell out (it is a crown). I could not believe it. What did I do to you Universe?

Let’s end on a happy note. Shoes.

what reduces my stress

my kitchen counter being clean and no dishes in the sink reduces my stress. being I work 12 hour shifts, getting every possible moment of sleep is important. but, if I stop and load my dishes in the dishwasher I am not as stressed when I wake up or when I come home. weird.

not exercising before work reduces my stress. weird, right? but I have realized something about it wound me up and it made me anxious walking into the office. of course, working there at all causes a lot of anxiety in general. of course, I need to find a way to introduce my exercising back into my days. not sure how yet.

spending many hours the night before my first night of work making food for my lunches and pastries in stressful. not having good food to eat isn’t better, but I felt this pressure to spend all my time cooking when we all know I hate cooking. made me not even want to bake.

leaving my clean scrubs on the floor of my room instead of folding them and putting them away reduces my stress. I am not sure why but I HATE folding scrubs. yuck.

I applied for a new job today. it was sort of a result of a random text exchange trying to make plans with my friend Andrea. she mentioned she had been working in the interventional radiology department as a float. I find the work fascinating. she said they were looking for people. I said tell your boss I am interested! her boss text be like 30 min later. I went in to talk to the director and the manager the next morning after work. did a job shadow on friday. it was FASCINATING. I saw them suck clots out of a guys brain! he was awake! the clots were HUGE! after it was done he already had about 90% of his original functioning back on the effected side. THEY. MADE. BLOOD. FLOW. IN. HIS. BRAIN. AGAIN! so cool. it is day shift. 5 days a week.it will be weird going to 5 days. I am little nervous about my knowledge base (generally people are from critical care (ICU, ED) and I work in acute care (though the pts on PCU have a very high acuity, so, I am used to sick people). in fact, I had a pt last night who kept going into SVT! HR jumping from 110 to 170! she said she felt fine. I really liked her. could have done without the c-diff though.

my AMAZING Wolf and Badger bought Bluzat dress (Bluzat is a Romanian designer)

going to see NIN in Philadelphia with my playmate. yeah, I know, big risk. when I sent him my flight details I stated that traveling with someone, I feel, is the biggest test to any type of relationship. he bought tickets on the same flights. we will see how it goes. I am OVER THE MOON to see NIN after so long. it will be nice to be able to express all that pent-up emotion once we get back to the airbnb as well.


fresh made cheery lime scones and a good book! (I have finally found an amazing scone recipe and they don’t even take that much time. I am going to be a scone baking fool before long!)
this is my new couch. have I already posted this? I don’t care, this is my new couch. notice how quickly gandalf took to reclining elegantly upon the chaise.

snape having gone to live with my friend Fred’s mom Susan reduces my stress. snape was an asshole at my place. she did obnoxious things just to annoy me and harassed gandalf. apparently she is perfect at Susan’s house. she gets all the attention and Susan is delighted to have her and Susan’s friends are totally into hearing the latest on snape. snape also loves laying there bathroom floor as the hot water pipes run under it and keep it warm.

in my everlasting search for a good night’s sleep I have discovered Three Spirit beverages and it’s sleep enhancing flavor. (picture of bottle below) it was described to me by one of the baby nurses as alcohol-free booze. like a fancy mixed drink without the booze, is probably a better way to explain it. and I think it helps. I have had a drink before bed for 3 shifts and I have been very awake for all 3 shifts. like people were like, “um, heather, why are you so bouncy?” anyhow, I recommend it.

I went to visit my friend Steve in Indianapolis in february. or was it march? I don’t remember. I flew up to go to his DJ night. I had a FANTASTIC time! Steve is an excellent host. we ate amazing food. he friend’s were super nice. his teenage daughters were super cool (one of them even had a ghost purse like it was the big sister of my small ghost coin case!) each of the DJs that played were totally unique. it was different. when I go to clubs with DJs each DJ is different but still well within the genre. these DJs had totally different styles. it was a great night. then I flew home. of course, steve and I did dress up in our onesies for fun!

work art. I call this “popcorn, grey top, first night clogs”. yeah, I looked down there was a grey top lab tub and a piece of popcorn on the floor in front of me. I took a picture. that is about it

having laundry in compact piles separated by load reduces my stress. although, stuff all over the floor of my bed room stresses me out, if it laundry that is separated, it actually reduces stress. perhaps because it has the anticipation of being clean laundry? of course I hate folding scrubs, but, I enjoy folding sheets/blankets. sheets because patrick taught me to how to fold a fitted sheet before I moved to austin. blankets because then I get a “linens set” together that I get to put in my linen closet and I can pull as a pre-made set to change my sheets. which I do every other Wednesday. yep, I am THAT organized.

to feed me is to love me

that is about it. Lucy fed me, that was how she loved me. patrick fed me, that was one of the ways he loved me. granted I am making more food for myself, but it is still pretty limited. so, yeah, if a date asks me what love looks like to me, I am going to say, “I come home and you’ve made dinner”.

getting to be that age.

I have 4 friends who have been diagnosed with cancer since october. one looks hopeless, one is bad, one is good and one I am not sure about. this is what happens as you get older. it is both horrifying to watch and terrifying personally. but normal. I have been able to support two of them personally (going to appointments, decoding doctor speak). now I just hope it is somehow helpful and pray (to the FSM) that they are cured.

I learned something about myself this week. at least I don’t think I knew this before. anyhow, when I get stressed (or depressed) I have to make things around me perfect. this generally means I spend too much money. example – I have a set of bowls from Royal Stafford where each bowl is a different skeleton photo. my salad plates were just one style of plate – “til death do us part” – and a random sugar skull I got at Home Goods. so, my dishes were not perfect. they weren’t uniform. the order was all wrong. so I fixed it. I found all the skeleton images on my bowls on salad plates and bought them. it gave me a little more order in my life. when inside me things are out of control (sadness, anxiety) I order things outside of me. (you may ask, “well heather, why not organize something instead of buying something?” well, friend, because there is nothing left to organize at my house and none of my friends want any organizing help right now). in this most recent case, I think my meds aren’t working well anymore. I am not sure what else we could do, but that is why my psychiatrist is for. maybe I need a new therapist. my current therapist focuses on grief and I started seeing her after Lucy died. it turned out there was as lot more grief than that in my life. but, I am sort of at an end with that (not that I have no grief but that I am better at dealing with it). so, I need to do something before I spend too much more money. I don’t want to have to work extra shifts.

I did end up reading at Joey’s “People Reading Naked” event at The Glass Coffin this week. it was fun! I wasn’t nervous about being naked in front of people since I used to host Kinky Salon. several of my fellow readers were quite nervous. everyone did a great job. one gentleman was amazing! a fantastic reading voice and he had practiced his piece. it was funny, i was the only reader who then went out and watched the other readers. everyone else stayed in the back room while they were waiting to go on or when they were done. there were 4 men and 2 women. I read the Little Edgar Allen Poe book I had found. I read teacher style. as I walked out to my seat I told everyone their regular teacher was not going to be there today and I was their substitute! “I am going to read you a little story from a poet named Edgar Allen Poe! your parents might even read Edgar Allen Poe!” After reading the word “Nevermore” several times, I asked the “class” what they thought the Raven was going to say. they all replied “Nevermore!”. So proud of those little tikes! no photos of course. naked and pictures are bad.

my pastry display stand! (got it on the free stuff group). recently shared the coffee cupcake recipe with a friend at work. she made them and they looked perfect! I told her it would be easy and she would totally nail it. as she did.

no explanation needed. (make sure you look at the word on the coke can).
scruffie sleeping like a shrimp! SO cute!

on a cold night, in my onesie with the best potstickers in town and a good murder mystery!

huh. I totally had something breathtaking I wanted to post.

but, as usual, I cannot remember what it is. getting old bites.

let’s start with the photos then.

went to the Edgar Allen Poe reading, as read by The Dead Edgar, at The Glass Coffin this weekend. my outfit was inspired if I do say so myself.

The Dead Edgar reading one of his most morose and lugubrious romantic poems.

it is, as though, any moment now the Absinthe will arrive.

as I await my fate with Nosferatu as my guide,
I pride myself on my sense of fashion. this young Lolita’s outfit took my breath away.

I love to visit cemeteries. I love old mausoleums and headstones and vaults. I have been to Pere Lachaise numerous times. I have been to cemeteries in Hungary and The Czech Republic. but never Highgate cemetery in London. why? why did Patrick and I never visit Highgate?! so many amazing members of humanity’s history are buried there. Michael Faraday is buried there! (I will rectify this error as soon as there is a break in the resurgent variants).

I have started to sing this to myself when I was my hands at work…

guess who got a onesie! cuddle party!

Joey is going to have an event at The Glass Coffin called “People Reading Naked”. it is as it sounds, people who ARE naked will read to people who are NOT naked. I have found a “Little Edgar” Edgar Allen Poe children’s book to read. it tells the story of Nevermore with text kids can understand and the original text (abbreviated) as well.

oops. sorry.

I didn’t not realize it has been 3 months since I last blogged! sorry about that. time flies. seriously, days are a blur. November was insane. it was the second and then it was thanksgiving. totally bizarre. I suppose one of the reasons my last post was so long ago is that we changed my meds. my psychiatrist and I felt things at St. David’s were mellowing out, I was feeling more comfortable and confident. so we stopped a med (we discovered I had been taking a sub-therapeutic dose of anyway) and decreased one of my anti-anxieties. nope. wrong. bad idea. and I knew it QUICKLY. like in a week. so we went back on them and things got better. now I am spooked about changing anything but do feel that we should try again maybe after I have been with st. david’s for a year (March). anyhow, things are pretty good otherwise.

playmate is going well. attended shrine (a type of party in austin). it wasn’t what I had hoped, but it was nice to be around like-minded (about sex) people. even saw someone I work with there. we are going to try again and change where we go and at what times. we will see. in general though, great playmate and the sex does wonders for my stress relief.

baked 8 pies for thanksgiving. 2 blackberry, a pecan, a non-dairy chocolate cream and 4 pumpkin. I took two pumpkin and half a pecan to the office (I did not work that day). the night after thanksgiving I was both dismayed and delighted that my fellow nurses had not finished both pumpkin pies! I was dismayed because, HEY, I BROUGHT YOU 2 AND A HALF HOMEMADE PIES! but I was delighted because I didn’t get enough pumpkin pie up until that point so MORE PUMPKIN PIE FOR ME!

look! pie for me!

a sucky thing that has happened lately, and makes me feel weird, is in the last 2 weeks (maybe a month) 3 of my friends have been diagnosed with cancer. one colon mets to the liver, one nasal and one breast. was there with the them and the doctor in two cases. it just feels weird. these friends of mines lives are being threatened! they all have great prognosis so far, but still, they could die. how is that possible? are my friends and I too young? well, no, this is when that starts to happen. but I love these people.I told two of them I would go to every chemo appointment when I wasn’t working, even if I worked the night before. and I will. I will fight SO hard for them! but I will also respect their will. no “don’t give up” talks from me. that is mean. I will be there for them ALL. THE. TIME. the universe sucks. my dad is perfectly healthy (as far as we know) having smoked and drank his life away. and yet my friends, MY FRIENDS, have cancer. the universe is an asshole these days.

gonna have to leave texas if the supreme court overturns Roe v Wade. don’t want to leave my friends but cannot stay in a state that caused that. if they over turn it completely and abortion isn’t legal in any state, I will seriously look into moving abroad. canada is the easiest. i’d rather go to the UK. one step at a time.

my friend Joey, who owns The Glass Coffin: Vampire Parlor is having a “Naked People Reading” event and I wanna be a reader! do you think that would be a problem at work? I cannot decide. here is a picture of my halloween outfit at the grand reopening of The Glass Coffin.

halloween! I went to The Glass Coffin, thai food, went to see my second favorite band (The Hives) and took reese’s to my coworkers who had to work on my very favorite holiday!

I was in an article in the Austin Monthly about Death Positivity in Austin. it was weird. the whole first paragraph is about me. and I get quoted a lot. it is quite flattering but also weird. we have received a bunch of publicity as a result. supposedly a bunch of new people are going to show up this sunday. we will see what happens. I hope the people that are interested “get it” and aren’t disappointed because we don’t advocate or sell anything. it is a discussion group about death.

all my current round of condo-projects are complete. the spare bathroom is remodeled (see below). I built a new dining table (pictures don’t do it justice – no I did not lathe that queen ann legs, I bought them).next condo thing I want to do with have the entire place repainted (except the two bathrooms and my bedroom as those have already been done). that will cost THOUSANDS of dollars though. I want to replace all the internal doors with solid core doors but doors are expensive and then it costs just as much again to have them hung! perhaps I will just do one at a time. each door with cost like $600 so I can only afford one at a time. it would be great to get my bedroom and bathroom doors redone though. I should really start saving for that. it would look MUCH nicer with those doors rehung,

isn’t the new spare bathroom just BEAUTIFUL?
lucy would have loved the hell out of this bathroom!
this is Scruffie the parking lot cat! yes, the second parking lot cat who came to live with me. this particular cat WALKED into my neighbor Bonnie’t condo one day. we had been trying to trap her for over a year and one day she just walked right in. again, I have the biggest condo of all the cat people so she is living in my spare bedroom as Snape would try and kill her. not sure what I am going to do but she LOVES rubs!
my new more-mini Mini Cooper. it is a 4-door but still far more mini than my previous countryman. my lease was up on that car so I had to buy a new one. had to order this one builds because they had NO new cars on the lot. everyone bought cars during the pandemic. I have named her Wednesday. not only does she look like a Wednesday, I picked her up on a Wednesday!
I put an elastic waist into this overlay for this outfit. I had seen a similar dress online that was expensive and not in my size, so I made my own. I was terrified about sewing with tulle as I have heard nightmare stories but it went ok. I had an existing seam to mark from so that helped a lot. but still, I am darn proud!

deep thoughts

felt weird calling it relationships. so, i was listening to Hidden Brain while working on my bookcase project and it was an episode on marriage. they talked about how marriage used to be about combining assets and how “bakers married bakers because you needed help from someone who knew the business”. and then there was the notion of marrying for love. (there as a part about how men were the first time be about love matches because they could marry down but women still had to marry for class. whatever). when they started talking about marrying for love they talked about how divorce has gone up over time and that what you really need to do is find someone that has the same values as you (sort of). and not just “everyone in the world should get the chance at a good education, let’s support organizations that strive for that” kind of values but what one values in a relationship. there was a period where the idea was you love match would fulfill everything for you. they are your other half. but it turns out this is asking a bit much. that you need to diversify where you get your needs met. i like that idea. but how do you decide which needs you need met from your partner and which needs you need to get somewhere else? i agree, a marriage cannot be everything, but how do you know what you need it to be? if you aren’t going to subscribe to the “my partner is my best friend” relationship, how do you decide what needs being met by your partner are the ones that make it “a marriage”? i think everyone has things that they must get from their spouse/partner, but how are you sure those are the ones and how do you find someone that will meet them? and won’t they change over time?

the most important relationship thing to be is being remembered. sometimes that is literally remembering me, that we had plans, that you are supposed to pick me up. but it is also remembering that i was going to give that presentation or talk with my boss and asking me about it before i have to bring it up. it means you remember what is going on in my life and want to know how it is going. that you are actively interested in how i am doing. if you want to stab me in the heart say something like “oh, you had a talk with your boss? why?” when we had already talked about it and i had expressed how important or worried or excited i was about it. if you want to warm my heart, ask how i am doing on the covid unit, that you know i wanted to learn the skills to support that level of care and now that i have been doing it for a while how did i feel about it.

but there must be more that i want out of a relationship, right? i don’t need to live with someone (i am still convinced patrick and i would still be married if we lived next-door to each other instead of in the same space). i don’t need to see someone everyday. i don’t need to talk to them everyday but would like frequent reminders they are thinking about me, remembering me. i’d REALLY like to enjoy the same bands but that isn’t a show stopper. it would just make socializing nicer. i’d like someone that would feed me. lucy fed me. that was how she showed she cared about me. that was why i gained so much weight after she died. i ate everything in sight because that was a symbol of what i had lost when she died. that expression of caring. being i am so bad at feeding myself this would be a great symbol of love for me.

i don’t need financial support but i would like someone to talk me down when i want to spend money i don’t need to or shouldn’t. i wish patrick had done that. but i am sure he was afraid to. and it would probably have taken some getting used to on my part, but it would have been good for me and the relationship i think.

what about general emotional heavy lifting? like, supporting you through grief? or when losing a job? or when you have a fight with a friend and you are sad? or when you crash your car? what about sickness? there is a model about serious illness where “complaining” or coping is circles of relationships and you can only complain out, you cannot complain in (the sick person is the center, they can complain/express difficulty in coping to anyone else, next circle is partner, and they cannot complain to the sick person but they can to anyone in the other circles. make sense? i am a strong believer in this model). is that something that your partner MUST be willing to do? so, you get a cancer diagnosis, and your partner isn’t good at dealing with stuff like that, is that ok? this sort of example makes me feel there are some things that all partners must be able to provide. right? there must be others.

everyone knows monogamy isn’t that important to me. but i respect it if my partner wants it (assuming my sexual needs are being met in that monogamous relationship). i think it is fun to share experience stories like two teenage girls after they kiss their first boy. patrick and i would giggle. he briefly dated someone he said had the tiniest nipples he had ever seen. it sounded adorable and i loved hearing about it! i almost feel that if you are poly and are uncomfortable talking about it, there is a problem with jealousy. of course, i can understand if someone might have a hard time comparing themselves to their partner’s playmate and that might be hard. i am just confident that my partner isn’t going to leave me because they have sex with someone else. also, i know i cannot be everything my partner wants sexually (though i always try very hard!) so if my partner finds some special satisfaction with a playmate, i am fine with that. just don’t forget me.

what else is there? i feel like i must be missing tons of stuff. of course, it is 2:45am. but i slept until almost 2 today so i should be fine. sorry, all the ideas have left my head at this point. i will try and post about them when they pop into my head.

ever wonder what i eat at work being i have a hard time feeding myself and i work nightshift so the cafeteria isn’t open? this is what i have every shift (seriously, i have been doing this for months):
-small caprese salad
-apples and extra chunky peanut butter
-some tunafish
-a quarter of a baguette which i use to make a little sandwich with my tunafish
-a frozen meal (lots of my comfort food Amy’s Broccoli and Cheddar Bake but also Saffron road curries)
-cut up fruit (going through a watermelon period)

sometimes i bring left-overs (usually chinese) and they feed us at the office a lot these days (we have more covid pts in texas now than we ever have. and they are sicker). the office bought me BBQ for my birthday (yes, i worked my birthday. it is a pandemic, it was a tuesday and my playmate is out of town). but mostly i eat those items listed above. every shift. i figure it is pretty good for me. maybe too much cheese. anyhow, that is what i eat at work. (oh! and i make all my lunches the night before my first shift when i stay up as late as i can to flip my sleep schedule. yep, still highly organized!)

i have forgotten the pain of remodeling my master bath so i am now remodeling Lucy’s bathroom (i think she would love what i am doing). i ripped out the vanity. it was very satisfying.

i think this explains it well

this is what i do when my hair is a mess. i put together a super cute outfit with a hair turban. what dirty hair?!

have i posted my platelet donation outfit? you get cold donating platelets because they chill the blood when they separate the platelets. that is cold blood going right into your vein! anyhow, i found these super cute leggings on etsy. problem is, i live in texas. who can wear thick polyester leggings in texas? platelet donation solved that problem!

the covid unit

i worked the Covid unit for the first time this week. one of the reasons i wanted to go to a critical care floor was to take care of Covid pts. and it was interesting. and i learned a lot. but it has also super bummed me out. i admitted a guy who was on 2L when he got there, walked from the stretcher to the bed. next night, he was on 50L and desat every time he moved. like at all. even to reposition. he had to be prone too. i would be miserable prone. i sleep on my back and if i sleep on my front my arms go numb. he went to the unit. who knows what happened next. and still, people don’t vaccinate. i had a friend that got a mild case. he said, “guess i should have gotten my second shot”. what-the-everliving-fuck is wrong with you! i am a damn nurse! when i took care of Covid pts on hospice, they were already there. the guy i admitted this week, i saw his incredibly fast decline. it was stunning and i am bummed. don’t get me wrong, i will take care of Covid pts everyday if they need me to. but, please people, get vaccinated.

i wish there was something i could destroy today. i think that would make me feel better. i think i am ready to start remodeling the spare bathroom. but one should not just start destroying things. especially since the litter box is in there. i would need to commit to moving it to the sewing room for a while. i need an overall plan first. i am going to get a quote on retiling my showers. i think i will throw in the floor in the spare bathroom too. i can do the rest of it myself though.

i realize this is a GIANT picture of a raspberry with vanilla cream tarte. but i am SO proud of it! first baked good where i really needed to use my hand mixer though. normally i had mix. in this case i had to mix the flour and butter enough they looked coarse. only the hand mixer did that successfully.
wearing my new dress, with my new beads, carrying my new carpet bag with my second favorite pair of fluevogs (which wear beige and i painted black!) in New Orleans last month.
going out for tea and scones!