deep thoughts

felt weird calling it relationships. so, i was listening to Hidden Brain while working on my bookcase project and it was an episode on marriage. they talked about how marriage used to be about combining assets and how “bakers married bakers because you needed help from someone who knew the business”. and then there was the notion of marrying for love. (there as a part about how men were the first time be about love matches because they could marry down but women still had to marry for class. whatever). when they started talking about marrying for love they talked about how divorce has gone up over time and that what you really need to do is find someone that has the same values as you (sort of). and not just “everyone in the world should get the chance at a good education, let’s support organizations that strive for that” kind of values but what one values in a relationship. there was a period where the idea was you love match would fulfill everything for you. they are your other half. but it turns out this is asking a bit much. that you need to diversify where you get your needs met. i like that idea. but how do you decide which needs you need met from your partner and which needs you need to get somewhere else? i agree, a marriage cannot be everything, but how do you know what you need it to be? if you aren’t going to subscribe to the “my partner is my best friend” relationship, how do you decide what needs being met by your partner are the ones that make it “a marriage”? i think everyone has things that they must get from their spouse/partner, but how are you sure those are the ones and how do you find someone that will meet them? and won’t they change over time?

the most important relationship thing to be is being remembered. sometimes that is literally remembering me, that we had plans, that you are supposed to pick me up. but it is also remembering that i was going to give that presentation or talk with my boss and asking me about it before i have to bring it up. it means you remember what is going on in my life and want to know how it is going. that you are actively interested in how i am doing. if you want to stab me in the heart say something like “oh, you had a talk with your boss? why?” when we had already talked about it and i had expressed how important or worried or excited i was about it. if you want to warm my heart, ask how i am doing on the covid unit, that you know i wanted to learn the skills to support that level of care and now that i have been doing it for a while how did i feel about it.

but there must be more that i want out of a relationship, right? i don’t need to live with someone (i am still convinced patrick and i would still be married if we lived next-door to each other instead of in the same space). i don’t need to see someone everyday. i don’t need to talk to them everyday but would like frequent reminders they are thinking about me, remembering me. i’d REALLY like to enjoy the same bands but that isn’t a show stopper. it would just make socializing nicer. i’d like someone that would feed me. lucy fed me. that was how she showed she cared about me. that was why i gained so much weight after she died. i ate everything in sight because that was a symbol of what i had lost when she died. that expression of caring. being i am so bad at feeding myself this would be a great symbol of love for me.

i don’t need financial support but i would like someone to talk me down when i want to spend money i don’t need to or shouldn’t. i wish patrick had done that. but i am sure he was afraid to. and it would probably have taken some getting used to on my part, but it would have been good for me and the relationship i think.

what about general emotional heavy lifting? like, supporting you through grief? or when losing a job? or when you have a fight with a friend and you are sad? or when you crash your car? what about sickness? there is a model about serious illness where “complaining” or coping is circles of relationships and you can only complain out, you cannot complain in (the sick person is the center, they can complain/express difficulty in coping to anyone else, next circle is partner, and they cannot complain to the sick person but they can to anyone in the other circles. make sense? i am a strong believer in this model). is that something that your partner MUST be willing to do? so, you get a cancer diagnosis, and your partner isn’t good at dealing with stuff like that, is that ok? this sort of example makes me feel there are some things that all partners must be able to provide. right? there must be others.

everyone knows monogamy isn’t that important to me. but i respect it if my partner wants it (assuming my sexual needs are being met in that monogamous relationship). i think it is fun to share experience stories like two teenage girls after they kiss their first boy. patrick and i would giggle. he briefly dated someone he said had the tiniest nipples he had ever seen. it sounded adorable and i loved hearing about it! i almost feel that if you are poly and are uncomfortable talking about it, there is a problem with jealousy. of course, i can understand if someone might have a hard time comparing themselves to their partner’s playmate and that might be hard. i am just confident that my partner isn’t going to leave me because they have sex with someone else. also, i know i cannot be everything my partner wants sexually (though i always try very hard!) so if my partner finds some special satisfaction with a playmate, i am fine with that. just don’t forget me.

what else is there? i feel like i must be missing tons of stuff. of course, it is 2:45am. but i slept until almost 2 today so i should be fine. sorry, all the ideas have left my head at this point. i will try and post about them when they pop into my head.

ever wonder what i eat at work being i have a hard time feeding myself and i work nightshift so the cafeteria isn’t open? this is what i have every shift (seriously, i have been doing this for months):
-small caprese salad
-apples and extra chunky peanut butter
-some tunafish
-a quarter of a baguette which i use to make a little sandwich with my tunafish
-a frozen meal (lots of my comfort food Amy’s Broccoli and Cheddar Bake but also Saffron road curries)
-cut up fruit (going through a watermelon period)

sometimes i bring left-overs (usually chinese) and they feed us at the office a lot these days (we have more covid pts in texas now than we ever have. and they are sicker). the office bought me BBQ for my birthday (yes, i worked my birthday. it is a pandemic, it was a tuesday and my playmate is out of town). but mostly i eat those items listed above. every shift. i figure it is pretty good for me. maybe too much cheese. anyhow, that is what i eat at work. (oh! and i make all my lunches the night before my first shift when i stay up as late as i can to flip my sleep schedule. yep, still highly organized!)

i have forgotten the pain of remodeling my master bath so i am now remodeling Lucy’s bathroom (i think she would love what i am doing). i ripped out the vanity. it was very satisfying.

i think this explains it well

this is what i do when my hair is a mess. i put together a super cute outfit with a hair turban. what dirty hair?!

have i posted my platelet donation outfit? you get cold donating platelets because they chill the blood when they separate the platelets. that is cold blood going right into your vein! anyhow, i found these super cute leggings on etsy. problem is, i live in texas. who can wear thick polyester leggings in texas? platelet donation solved that problem!

the covid unit

i worked the Covid unit for the first time this week. one of the reasons i wanted to go to a critical care floor was to take care of Covid pts. and it was interesting. and i learned a lot. but it has also super bummed me out. i admitted a guy who was on 2L when he got there, walked from the stretcher to the bed. next night, he was on 50L and desat every time he moved. like at all. even to reposition. he had to be prone too. i would be miserable prone. i sleep on my back and if i sleep on my front my arms go numb. he went to the unit. who knows what happened next. and still, people don’t vaccinate. i had a friend that got a mild case. he said, “guess i should have gotten my second shot”. what-the-everliving-fuck is wrong with you! i am a damn nurse! when i took care of Covid pts on hospice, they were already there. the guy i admitted this week, i saw his incredibly fast decline. it was stunning and i am bummed. don’t get me wrong, i will take care of Covid pts everyday if they need me to. but, please people, get vaccinated.

i wish there was something i could destroy today. i think that would make me feel better. i think i am ready to start remodeling the spare bathroom. but one should not just start destroying things. especially since the litter box is in there. i would need to commit to moving it to the sewing room for a while. i need an overall plan first. i am going to get a quote on retiling my showers. i think i will throw in the floor in the spare bathroom too. i can do the rest of it myself though.

i realize this is a GIANT picture of a raspberry with vanilla cream tarte. but i am SO proud of it! first baked good where i really needed to use my hand mixer though. normally i had mix. in this case i had to mix the flour and butter enough they looked coarse. only the hand mixer did that successfully.
wearing my new dress, with my new beads, carrying my new carpet bag with my second favorite pair of fluevogs (which wear beige and i painted black!) in New Orleans last month.
going out for tea and scones!

i baked a lot of cupcakes this weekend

went to a party, started to make cupcakes, messed up the recipe (never do it from memory heather), did it again. then made some for work. i am cupcakes out.

just for the record, all partners/playmates bring something different to bed. there is no perfect partner/playmate. you experience something meaningful with each of them, or you don’t go to bed with them. there are all sorts of adjectives you can use to describe your partner/playmate in bed. purple is odd though.

now that the CDC says i can roam free, it feels weird. kyle and i went to dinner at the last restaurant we ate at before the stay-at-home orders were put in place (the next day, it turned out). we even sat at the same table we sat at that last night over 14 months ago! (see photo below – that’s my male BFF Kyle).

i am on my own at work. i am doing ok. sure wish i could talk about my pts. but, nope.

i made this dress. the hem isn’t even and there are a couple of other things i need to adjust, but, look at it!

since seeing a painting in paris i have always wanted a dress with a heart cut-out. i found one. i am also wearing the Fluevogs that i painted! yep, i painted them black.
i bought the top in this photo from one of my favorite german designers, Femkit. it was also on sale. BOOM!

have i already posted this? i just makes me SO happy! fiscal hip-hop!
Dessa’s – Who’s Yellen Now?

Dessa sings a lot of Hip-Hop style music. i am not sure how else to explain it other than it is woman, reality proud.

yesterday was World Fluevog Day and i did NOT buy a pair of Fluevogs. of course, i am going to the oddities expo with Morbid Curiosity in june and will go to the store. but, baby steps.

hemming a full skirt is a bitch. just so you know.

brushing my teeth is essential

i mean, brushing one’s teeth is essential for everyone but for me it is a requirement for a good shower. see, if i don’t brush my teeth first, i don’t enjoy my shower as much. i do having to get up and brush my teeth and take a shower. it is busy work and i don’t want to waste the time, but i do want clean teeth and a clean body (especially after my morning workout). if i can convince myself to get out of bed and brush my teeth, i am ready for the day. but since i don’t like brushing my teeth, it is a constant battle.

and i hate washing dishes so much that sometimes i don’t eat because i don’t want to deal with the dishes. usually this happens when there are already dirty dishes. i feel i need to wash the dishes (which includes unloading and loading the dishwasher) before the bottom of the sink disappears. weird huh? it isn’t that i don’t have any clean dishes (i own a LOT of bowls, Lucy and i ate a lot of things that went in bowls), it is that i find the dish situation unacceptable and cannot eat until it is rectified.

should i tell my therapist about these quirks? i bet everyone has weird stuff like this. right?

the only thing left on my home i want to have done is for it to be professionally painted and new interior doors (solid doors, not cheap hollow doors). there is the katzenbad (cat bathroom) but that doesn’t count. they don’t care and i will do that myself at some point). both of these items are expensive. so, they stay on the list for a while. should i do doors first? doors aren’t cheap and they charge you almost as much to hang them as buy them. can i hang my own doors?

if you look closely you can see some fish on the screen of Spot the iPad. it is a game for cats. Gandalf LOVES it. it it quite adorable to watch her bat at the screen.
there are a pair of Fluevog boots i really want to buy. but i am going to wait. i am going to wait until i sell some of my Fluevogs i don’t wear much and i can try them on in the store in NOLA when i am there in June for the Oddity Expo with Morbid Curiosity.
i could not for the life of me find my shoe. i knew that the last time i had seen it i was in the kitchen. i looked EVERYWHERE (even inside kitchen cabinets which really scared me because if i found it in a kitchen cabinet that would be bad). and then i had to move the cat condo so the man coming to install my new blind would have room. and there is was. i dark grey shoe against a black and grey cat condo.
i have always wanted a dress that had a heart shaped cut out on the chest. there was a painting in paris of a woman in a gold dress with a heart cut out. also a photo from a fashion magazine of a woman in a black with dress a heart cutout ringed in white fabric. well, now i have found one. i found it on #wolfandbadger. i am also wearing my newly painted Flue-nicorns. (a Flue-nicorn is a pair of Fluevogs that you dream of but are as rare as a unicorn). see before and ofter photo of Flue-nicorns below.

the sky is really the limit on shoes now. bad.


life is pleasant. there are good things and hard things.

i found a playmate and they are a very fun playmate! a generous lover. (THERE WERE NO CAMERAS INVOLVED – seriously, no recordings) and we made great porn tonight (that is as much as you get). perhaps some of it is being physically alienated from people for over a year, perhaps it is getting older, or maybe it is just them, but touching has just been so sensuous. i think maybe i have always been very sexually touchy-feelie though. anyhow, it is a good thing and i appreciate it.

i have also discovered a vibrator that “puffs” instead of vibrates. it is hard to explain except “puff” is an entirely accurate description. anyhow, if you are in the market for a new vibrator, let me know and i will fill you in.

work is hard. there is so much to learn. i know i am still being vague about work but i am not quite comfortable sharing everything yet. i really really like it there. everyone is awesome and the things i am learning are fascinating. of course, i feel behind in some ways. nursing school was a LONG time ago and my cardiac experience is old. but i am getting there. i do have 9 years of nursing experience, even if most of it was hospice. i am very happy where i am. i should have moved sooner but at least i have moved now.

and the new office is a whole new set off people to impress with my baking skills! i baked a pie for fun, made fresh cinnamon rolls for someone’s last night and tonight i will be bringing “coffee cake literally” cupcakes. somewhere else to take my baked goods!

after getting home at almost midnight tonight i finished painting some shoes, finished sewing the pocket on the inside of my red wool cape, made cupcakes and finished a book. it feels good to be accomplishing things when i basically just need to stay awake.

i had my hair braided at Sherwood Forrest Faire.

and on the 385th day of March 2020, i broke my glasses

i cannot remember the last time i actually BROKE a pair of frames. college maybe? we were on a family trip and Andy and i were jumping on the beds in the hotel room and my glasses flew off and i stepped on them. maybe? i scratched the hell out of a lenses helping pack the garage once. but broke frames?

the most recent prescription in a pair i have in my “old glasses” drawer is pre-trifocals. so that is pretty old. and i work tomorrow night. won’t be able to go to the optometrist until tuesday afternoon. and i have no health insurance right now. not for another month.

did i mention my lenses cost $500 because the prescription is so complicated? takes weeks for them to be made too.

fucking universe. what the hell did i do?!

i got a job. i am back and St. David’s. please don’t mention it to anyone. i cannot control who reads my blog (apparently more people than i realize) but please don’t chat about it. of course, the fat lady hasn’t sung yet so my stress is not completely gone.

it has been a very nice welcome at St. David’s. lots of people recognize me and have welcomed me back. i haven’t worked there in 5 years, i think? everyone has been super nice and i am falling back into the hospital routine nicely. they have improved SO many processes it just makes me so happy. my therapist was always trying to get me to quit at HACH. and only now do i realize how much stress and anxiety i was holding while working there. we can speculate until the cows come home as to why, but suffice to say feel good. just waiting for that fat lady to sing.

i have tried to glue the arm of my broken glasses back on. we will see how that works.

my kitkat clock only has one eye because he fell off the wall and it got damaged. the damaged eye meant the eyes and tail would not go back and forth. but when i took the one eye out, it worked. i need to devise a patch for the missing eye!
i went to visit my friend Luna at her vintage store in Temple one day and i decided to dress up. she is a milliner and a seamstress extraordinare! i felt i needed to wear a hat. ok, i really wanted to dress up and wear a hat. it was a lovely visit.
you cannot see them very well because of the shadow, but i found some very inexpensive glass drawer knobs and used them to hang my necklaces in the bookcase (this is the bookcase that is getting the facade, don’t worry i won’t have an all white bookcase). this lightened up how my goth vanity looked as they have been hanging all over there. i am just very proud of this idea and the execution. anyone have a project for me? i am on a roll.
this was another bookcase project. i needed a bookcase in my sewing/cat room for my sewing and fashion books. but i wanted something that did the rest of the style of the room justice. i had seen a spin on what i ended up doing and just loved the idea. i bought an old vintage frame, had a box the side of the frame made (asked the guy who made the box out to dinner but he flaked. i was sad. i really enjoyed talking to him) and then painted, glued and hung them together! DO NOT EVEN TRY TO HANG SOMETHING THIS BIG ON A WALL BY YOURSELF. i was dripping in sweat. and y’all know i do not sweat. as it is the Lucy memorial room, i put her votive candles in the bookcase. she watches me sew and the cats frolic.

wow, just wow.

i got fired. it was weird. at first i wasn’t sure because the phrase used was “go our separate ways”. it gets more complicated but i cannot talk about it yet. i’ll keep you posted.

so much for getting off my anti-anxieties. i should have looked for a new job in October when i thought about it. but the election stress, plus insurrection was just too much. anyhow. now i know.

what else is there really to say?

i am working on two bookcase projects. one is on hold for fiscal reasons but the other was already paid for before i lost my job. it is a bookcase with a frame on the front. it is a ~21″ x 26″ frame. i have painted the bookcase the same color as the wall so it will look like a frame hanging on the wall but 3-dimensional as the books will be in the bookcase. it will be in the cat/sewing room. i plan to hang it tomorrow so i will post a picture soon!

a wonderful friend of the family died recently. i went to the zoom “funeral”. it was actually incredibly well done. i cried at the families struggles. the stories from friends were wonderful. but the anguish of the family. my friends. made me cry. i, more than the vast majority, know how un-personal disease is. when people asked me if it was hard knowing the pt would die, i would say, “by the end i want the pt’s suffering over. but the family, they are the ones i miss.” it just hurts to see the family’s pain. and it hurt extra today.

cheery note – i might have a dinner date. that will be nice.

got an amazing comment

one of the awesome people i worked with in europe (whom i won’t name incase they would rather remain private) posted a comment today about how i came up in a conversation with another beloved person i worked with in europe back in the day. it was about a comment i made which they have never forgotten “Mend the fence instead of chasing the chickens”. and that they would never forget me. wow, that felt SO good. i just want to leave a positive mark and apparently i have. and i will never forget them. most of my friends are tired of hearing about how i “lived in germany from 1999-2003”. ok, it was a while ago and a lot has changed. apparently they have not fixed the fence though.

having sex really makes one sleep well. thanks for visiting boytoy.

it is weird. i haven’t touched anyone in a year (ok, there was that ONE time i hugged susan) and i have been ok with that (you know, except for missing sex). but now i feel weird. like i have to remember not to touch people again. it helps that i am not a hugger. but the distance feels weird suddenly. i wonder how long it will take to go back to feeling ok again.

my kitkat clock has a broken eye. well, the eye is fine but there is “friction” which keeps the tail going back and forth. i am wondering if i should make it an eye patch. it is sorta creepy without one eye.

hm. what else? still exercising and flossing. lots of spray painting. need to caulk and paint my bathroom vanity. then a water proof coating. gotta work on the red paint spots on my grey carpet in the bedroom (thanks a lot painter guy). um. habitat for humanity will take my 2 bags of bolts and screws. SUPER glad i won’t have to throw them out. still have pockets on my to do list. have a rash on the back of both of my hands. i am guessing all the washing and moisturizing. gets better through the day if i don’t wash my hands (cause i am at home not interacting with anyone). it itches though. still have some outlets to replace. lots to do.

things left on the list

review and rate all my music in iTunes – yeah. it is going to take a while, but it needs to be done. i wish iTunes had 6 stars instead of 5. there are some songs that are just a tiny bit different in quality but don’t deserve to be ditched entirely. anyhow, it is long term on the list.

touch up the paint on the vanity in the bathroom – i still need to finish that last bit of drywall above the mirror. then i can paint the vanity. unless something else unexpected comes up. i mean, why be different than any other time this was the last item on the list.

pockets – and sewing in general. i am getting there. did 3 more skirts on Saturday night while watching Endeavor on BBC america. the young inspector morse is so adorable! and easy. that boy sleeps around a lot. but, sewing, have an apron and a dress in the “partially” done status!

replace outlets – i have been trying to do this since i bought this place. i even have all the outlets. i’ll work on that tomorrow (rewiring outlets is surprisingly easy and lacking for abject terror (because one has a breaker box and can turn off the outlets!))

i guess those are all the big projects. what will i do next?! could start some new recipes. perfect the speed that i make a pie or cinnamon rolls. the more efficient and quick i get, the more often i can bribe, i mean, make them for people!

4 pocket retrofitted skirts!
my new dress. it is from the Sleepy Hollow collection at Vixen by Michelle Pitt. yum!
my new bathroom with only one mirror item to be done (fix the drywall). it is SO beautiful! and i did 50% of it by myself (with friend consultants).

satisfying game

i play this stupid game all the time on my iPad. it is a game where you match things to eliminate them. it is mostly tiles. sometimes you need to use the tiles to eliminate other things or allow other things to move along a path or leave the board. there are things that get in your way. things that eat your progress. there are a few boards inside the game i like more than others. the one where there is a special tile you have to access to that starts a trail you have to attach to other tiles to. WHY do i enjoy this some much? when a row of tiles disappears (or attaches) it just feels satisfying. i assume this is the organizer in me. it brings me peace to see things in their place. that is all i can come up with. after remolding my bathroom (thus organizing in the new space) i have nothing left. and don’t even say anything about my other bathroom yet. i went $1000 over budget as it is. maybe next year.

i did organize files at work on Monday night (we only had 1 pt). there is a rack with folders with various papers with need. admission packets, report sheets, MARS. and it was a chaos. but now it isn’t. we have a book of signs that go on pt doors. they say things like, “Do not disturb”, “There is a cat in here”, “Do not bring food in here”. The book had a couple of category dividers, but not nearly enough. I sorted them, asked my coworkers if the groups made sense and then made dividers. There were a bunch that were just sitting in the interior pocket of the binder too. Now everything is put away and easier to find. very satisfying. SO satisfying. (and i didn’t throw anything out, just organized it).

i have gotten down to 140lbs. i want to get down to 130lbs. which is what i weighed when i started nursing school. that way everything will fit fine. i did do a big purge. stuff that has sentimental value, but i will never wear again. stuff i admit i just don’t like. stuff i will never be, and don’t want to be, small enough to wear again. not sure how to do it though. i learned in nursing school (and was surprised to learn) that the most successful way to lose weight it diet. but how do i change it? i cannot cook. my food tastes bad. i eat a lot of organic frozen meals. i snack on green apples and peanut butter as there aren’t a lot of other options (raw veggies give me tummy problems). i would like to try intermittent fasting but will my combo of day and night shifts there isn’t a scheduled i can follow. i thought about making me eating hours just night time. but when i work day shift i think it would be too hard. i asked a coworker who did it and she said it took about 3 weeks before she wasn’t hungry all the time. i don’t think i can do that at work. i think i would get lightheaded. sometimes i forget to at an that is what happens (or am too busy at work). do i find a nutritionist and ask them about my problem? how does one find a nutritionalist?

i need to devise a latter for gandalf to get to the shelves in my closet. currently she uses my clothing and had ruined a number of things. i have a long piece of sisal rope for a mother project. i thought of using that. but what kind of latter? could i just tie knots in it and then attach it to the shelf? do i need something with more structure? i’ll google it.

i am torn by the behavior of people during the pandemic. i know people that don’t wear their masks properly. that go places and take risks. SO many people are dying. medical staff is exhausted and getting sick too. i am stir crazy too. i am lonely. i am starved for affection. but i don’t want anyone to die. no one has to die. the torn part is, how do i tell people how i feel? strangers in the grocery store not wearing masks?no problem. but these are people i know. people i respect. people who surprise me with this behavior. i just don’t know what to do or how to do something.

another molar got yanked out. this time on a fiber gummy. it went back in. but this shit is getting old. and i am petrified that they won’t be able to get it back in on of these times and then say i need another implant. i cannot afford another implant. my teeth scare me. very unpredictable.