that is about it. Lucy fed me, that was how she loved me. patrick fed me, that was one of the ways he loved me. granted I am making more food for myself, but it is still pretty limited. so, yeah, if a date asks me what love looks like to me, I am going to say, “I come home and you’ve made dinner”.
I have 4 friends who have been diagnosed with cancer since october. one looks hopeless, one is bad, one is good and one I am not sure about. this is what happens as you get older. it is both horrifying to watch and terrifying personally. but normal. I have been able to support two of them personally (going to appointments, decoding doctor speak). now I just hope it is somehow helpful and pray (to the FSM) that they are cured.
I learned something about myself this week. at least I don’t think I knew this before. anyhow, when I get stressed (or depressed) I have to make things around me perfect. this generally means I spend too much money. example – I have a set of bowls from Royal Stafford where each bowl is a different skeleton photo. my salad plates were just one style of plate – “til death do us part” – and a random sugar skull I got at Home Goods. so, my dishes were not perfect. they weren’t uniform. the order was all wrong. so I fixed it. I found all the skeleton images on my bowls on salad plates and bought them. it gave me a little more order in my life. when inside me things are out of control (sadness, anxiety) I order things outside of me. (you may ask, “well heather, why not organize something instead of buying something?” well, friend, because there is nothing left to organize at my house and none of my friends want any organizing help right now). in this most recent case, I think my meds aren’t working well anymore. I am not sure what else we could do, but that is why my psychiatrist is for. maybe I need a new therapist. my current therapist focuses on grief and I started seeing her after Lucy died. it turned out there was as lot more grief than that in my life. but, I am sort of at an end with that (not that I have no grief but that I am better at dealing with it). so, I need to do something before I spend too much more money. I don’t want to have to work extra shifts.
I did end up reading at Joey’s “People Reading Naked” event at The Glass Coffin this week. it was fun! I wasn’t nervous about being naked in front of people since I used to host Kinky Salon. several of my fellow readers were quite nervous. everyone did a great job. one gentleman was amazing! a fantastic reading voice and he had practiced his piece. it was funny, i was the only reader who then went out and watched the other readers. everyone else stayed in the back room while they were waiting to go on or when they were done. there were 4 men and 2 women. I read the Little Edgar Allen Poe book I had found. I read teacher style. as I walked out to my seat I told everyone their regular teacher was not going to be there today and I was their substitute! “I am going to read you a little story from a poet named Edgar Allen Poe! your parents might even read Edgar Allen Poe!” After reading the word “Nevermore” several times, I asked the “class” what they thought the Raven was going to say. they all replied “Nevermore!”. So proud of those little tikes! no photos of course. naked and pictures are bad.