my anxiety that is.

so, the day before my last day at work before my two weeks of holiday, i had an appointment with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. ever since RBG died i have been completely freaked out. i cannot listen to NPR, i cannot read articles like i used to, i ask my friends who start to talk about politics and the election to stop or i walk away. this is surprising. patrick and i followed politics quite a bit. we always email each other a number of times on the day of the election. he sent me a screen shot of texas being blue the first election i lived here (they had only counted travis county)! but right now, i cannot handle it. from either side. everything is so extreme. falsehoods on both sides. i love to listen to discussions on economics normally (yes, i am that nerd. though i found the classes really hard. of course, i was 18). but people lie about the data so much. both sides (though more the conservatives right now). today’s GDP numbers must be analyzed in its context, for instance. and i am DEATHLY afraid there is going to be violence on the day of and after the election. no one is going to accept the outcome. crazy conservatives have already done crazy things; like plotting to abduct the governor of michigan. see, nuts! and i heard interviews on NPR today (i have gotten VERY quick with the off button) with liberals buying guns because they fear it too!

anyhow, so they day before my last day at work i had a visit (virtual) with my psychiatrist about my anxiety. she thought it was perfectly reasonable, all things considered. i didn’t want to increase my benzos. while ativan is lovely, it is easily escalated. that had been what i said when i contacted her about the appointment; that i needed something other than more benzos. (more details than you need, FOCUS heather!) so, she wrote for Gabapentin (who knew you could use it for anxiety!) and Seroquel (which scares the crap out of me). the gabapentin i take 3 times a day as needed and the seroquel at bedtime. seroquel scares me because it is an anti-psychotic and i have had pts on it so the voices would stop. ok, they were on 600mg and i was getting 25mg, but it is still a serious medication.

well, the gabapentin has helped. the seroquel, not so much. i sleep hard, but only for about 6-hours. i am an 8-hour girl all the way. so, you know, some help.

but then i went to work on friday and got written up. basically for being sarcastic. and because my coworkers complain about me a lot. they are afraid of me. i got written up a few year’s ago for being “disrespectful” to a coworker because i was trying to convince other coworkers to talk to management about her. it was super bogus because…it just was. anyhow, my boss now made the comment she didn’t understand how long they would hold that against me. she said she thought it should just be a verbal warning but whatever (i appreciated that on her part). but we talked about a lot of stuff. i had told the naked picture story earlier (ask me next time we chat, i am not blogging the details). and i know that i can be sarcastic and critical. sarcasm was the language we spoke at home. but i wish people would say something. i don’t see it. really, i don’t. because it feels normal to me. this was a problem patrick and i had. it was hurtful, but he didn’t tell me. i HONESTLY didn’t know. i still don’t know. and no one will say anything. how will i learn if no one says anything?

and now i am petrified i am going to get fired. it seems like they have fired other people for lesser things. and i am single. and i just remodeled my bathroom (the money was spent before my holiday started). and, not surprisingly, i don’t have savings to fall back on. and unemployment won’t even pay my mortgage.

so, good timing on the anti-anxiety meds. and they have helped. but not today. i have been thinking about blogging about my anxiety for weeks. today though. today it is BAD. my sleeping has been pretty good. so has my exercising. eating hasn’t been very good, but mostly because i haven’t been eating much, not that i have been eating poorly. in fact, i have been good about groceries. today, perhaps i should have eaten more food considering the coffee and other prescribed medications. but still. wow.

i mean, i know, i can only go forward each day. but, really, so much right now. it is like, every time i think i have encountered the most stressful thing (like getting laid off from HP during the, then, greatest recession of my lifetime) the universe sends me something even more incredible. and here i thought completely retraining during an economic disaster was going to be the worst. oh my god.

so, here are some pictures of stuff going on in my life recently.