is it menopause? regret? fear? yet another story?

Obi Wan (my new kitten) died on Tuesday. she had some sort of CNS disease or defect. we had hoped that it was just toxoplasmosis. but the antibiotics didn’t seem to be helping anymore and the titer was negative.

and i cannot remember the last time i sobbed so hard. or so many times. or still.

Obi Wan wanted nothing from me but to purr in my ear and she sleep on my shoulder (or across my throat, which was awkward from a breathing standpoint). she didn’t rush me and paw at me the minute i walked into the house. she didn’t break things or knock things over or attack her sisters. she was just happy to see me and there to snuggle. she just loved me and wanted to be near me. she didn’t ask anything of me. she didn’t insist i pet her every moment i was sitting down. she didn’t fight me when i clipped her nails (though i only got two chances). she was with me for a little over a month and she made me SO HAPPY.

it is like i finally found someone who would love me without asking anything of me. it just felt like the easiest love. she loved me for me and not someone she needed me to be. sure, she was just a kitten, and she needed my home and food and water and litter box. she greatly enjoyed the tuna fish i hand fed her the days after she got back from her second trip to the emergency vet. the last night we slept in my bed she laid on my shoulder and purred into my ear while we both fell asleep.

everyone forgets me. not permanently. but they forget me. the worst way to hurt me is to forget me. you told me you would do something with me. be there for something. and then you are not. and it really matters to me. it is the most important thing to me. i think the last time i sobbed this hard was when someone i trusted so much, forgot me on christmas. we had plans. and they forgot and made other plans they wanted more and left. and though Obi Wan is gone, she didn’t forget me. i know it sounds insane but she made me feel loved. she made me so happy. i haven’t been that happy in a long time. i haven’t felt like i mattered so much, just for me, just to sit a purr in my ear in as long as i can remember. there was just this little cat who didn’t need me to be someone for them, to save them from something, to carry them, forsake myself for them, to wait in line for them. she was this little cat that made me #1. i don’t know why, but after losing Obi Wan i feel like the only person left, like i am the only person left, alone, anywhere. and i miss her so much. she was so young. she didn’t deserve to die. i couldn’t tell her what was happening to her. and then she stopped breathing. and she is gone. why does it hurt so much?

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