or maybe it isn’t a lesson? i dunno. but this boy thing is difficult. i don’t even want to say frustrating. it is difficult. i am happy that i am feeling this interest, but this boy does not seem to be the possible one. so what do i do? i have done so-so with the rules. he is not looking forward to the holidays for good reasons. he is sad about the girl he is obsessed with. he is sad for the same reason we have in common. feeling sidelined in our groups. i think i am a little more comfortable than he is. but he has a family. a close family. a family going through a very difficult event, but he has the connection of those relations. that is not something i have. i don’t know, for whatever reason i am more ok with my isolation, my position in life and society. i feel for him and i like to give him tenderness, touch. something he hasn’t seemed to have had for a while. but then it makes me sad because it isn’t equal.  but it is nice. it is REALLY nice to feel so positive about someone. it is has just been SO long. but am i just really setting myself up for complete heartache? i mean crushing like it has never been before. or is this the sweet thing that, er, this is? the chance to feel something like this? which it seems like i have never felt before? this poor boy. he has no idea. and i do not think i should tell him. i do want him to know someone wants him. but, perhaps, i will save that for the end. one of my rules is 6-months. more than 6-months and things get too, well, what they already seem to be developing into. only, usually, the 6-month rule is for them. not me. this would be for me.

i see my therapist tomorrow (psychiatrist too). i am going to ask her when i should tell him how much he means to me. not for me, but for him. he doesn’t want me. he doesn’t like me that way. but it is ALWAYS nice to be loved. so i feel like it would be nice for him to hear that. yes, it feels bad not to be loved by whom we want to be loved, but it is still nice to be loved. i think maybe that is the thing i am better at than him. at taking the love that we don’t receive from the people we want to (and in many cases should) love us. i have been doing that from day one.

a friend said to me at lunch recently, “wow, your family was crappy”. and it was nice to hear that. it was nice to hear someone, not a therapist but a person like me, say i did struggle.

why am i ok with it? why am i so calm? i am really worried that there is something just below the surface. that one day i am just going to crumble. i think i may have said this before. but seriously am i heading for an isolated fall?