sat down to post, at 0226, and the sleepy just suddenly hit me. but if i don’t write this now, i will forget. and that makes me feel old.
remember that longtime friend i had the conversation about life with in July? we had another exchange, and they wrote a manifesto on FB. it made me think about what i want in a partner, by making me think about what i have to offer. as i think about it, it isn’t your typical list. i mean, i am awesome, smart, independent, attractive, sex-positive and fun. i have some kinks as well (usually well received by my partners). but that doesn’t really feel like what it is i have to OFFER. this is what i have to offer: “my work certainly comes before anything in my life right now. if i try to think of what i would be willing to offer, compromise on, insist upon and/or negotiate, i realize all i really have for a partner is banter/flirt/contemplate by text, a lot of talking about death (a lot, a lot), an occasional in-person evening of talk/food/movie/sex. i certainly cannot offer, not even negotiate, a frequent in-person, quasi cohabitational, emotionally deep relationship. but, i don’t simply want playmates (though may have to settle for such while i try and find someone crazy enough to accept my offer). i would NEVER put on my dating profile looking for hookups.”
in speaking recently with a gentleman i have always been attracted to, who is poly, i have realized i want to be a second. having had the opportunity to be involved with this person previously, i declined because i would be a second and i didn’t want to be. now, that is exactly what i want. i don’t have the energy for a primary relationship. but i would like some companionship and i do miss sex now and again. i do worry that this feeling/attitude has something to do with the trauma of my divorce (which was probably WAY less traumatic than the typical divorce). i am afraid to speak to partners. i am NEVER shy about saying what i am thinking at work, but with a partner? yeah, i just want to avoid the serious conversations. i have mentioned before that people, mostly men, tell me that they can’t read me, they have NO idea what is going on inside my head. perfect poker face. i think this came from my divorce. am i still hiding as a result of it? i don’t FEEL like it, but i have certainly learned that the answer to life, the universe and everything depends on how old you are and what you are looking at into the future.
organizing things calms me. making pie crust calms me. i REALLY need to start a business organizing people’s homes for them. it would be my yoga class.