damn it, missed June

i have been feeling sad lately about my job. things are so chaotic and so screwed up. doctors talk about being a team and then aren’t. we take care of very important people, people who are dying. we should be more of a team. when i told my mom i was going to nursing school she said, “Doctors, Heather?” and i replied i could handle them since i grew up with their fallibility. these doctors, not so much. because these pts are so special. grrr. sad. grrr. work makes me so sad.

my new vivienne westwood dress arrived today.  it is amazing. now i just need to find somewhere to go. oh sure, i used to dress up no matter where i went, but i don’t go anywhere but work now. and i  have to wear scrubs/shirts.

i like my new body. i am pretty sure i am menopausal. my body feels adult for the first time. i want to lose weight so i can wear all my clothing, but the size doesn’t really bother me.

spent an evening with an old friend (well, i have known them for 10 years, which was a long time when i was 20, perhaps not so much when i am 47…hm) and we talked about their life outlook. they are torn between security and happiness. i learned a lot about them. i was forced into my life change, and it was scary, but i am still standing and i think i would have kept going, because you have to. they think the world is out to get them, because the world is out to get everyone. explains their behavior. it is sad that they are too afraid to take a risk. but i understand them better now. it is nice to feel more connected through understanding. and i even got a thank-you reference a couple days later. it was a very unexpected event. it is a feeling i haven’t felt in a while. is that because of my age? is it because of my buffer zone? is it because of the people i hang out with? (which is not to disparage my friends, they just may not be the intimate type).

there have been two events in my life that scared me about me. the first was when i worked at mcdonalds in santa barbara. i helped a short, pretty, petite woman. she reminded me of me. when she stepped away from the counter she was quite obese in the lower half of her body. for whatever reason i thought to myself, “oh no, that is going to happen to me”. i still sort of fear it. though i have done better than i thought. the second time was an episode of 6-feet under. i woman living in a rented house, dies while eating her microwave dinner and no one finds her for a number of days.  it upset one of the bothers because she was so alone.  she was even a temp worker, changing jobs regularly. she didn’t really have any friends and there was no one to come to her funeral. the brothers went. even though i was married when i saw this, i feared it is what i would become. i still do, sort of. i have a roommate so the cats wouldn’t get a chance to eat me, but, would i still be a “oh, man, heather, yeah, she was cool,” death? i had this fear WAY before becoming a hospice nurse. and even our patients who have little family or friends, we care about them and want to be with them at end-of-life. our volunteers very much want to sit and listen to them. the fear is more after (which is completely irrelevant as do not believe in a consciousness after death). with the yucky feelings i am having at work, these feelings of being separated, fringe, are stronger than normal. not really sure what to do other than just keep getting up and going every day.

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