maybe that sorta love ain’t for me

tonight i spent the evening on the couch. today was my “friday”, i am off for the next two days (and donating platelets!). roommate was out with her man.  gandalf and i chilled. binge watched “criminal minds”, as we do. paid some bills. went through some documents. filed. it was lovely. it might have been nice to have someone here with me. but after dealing with dying people all week, alone is pretty nice.

i miss kyle, i like him a lot. but i think it is a little like reminiscing about my marriage. i miss the awesome times patrick and i were totally being awesome together. but that isn’t all of it and you can’t just expect it to be all feel good. cause there are issues and i know it. anyhow…

i am thinking that, at this age, with my life the way it is, maybe lover and boy toys are the best thing for me. sure, i would like a really partner. but i am just not convinced it would work. i need a lot of me time. sean and i talked at dinner this week and he said he wanted someone that didn’t need to be together all the time. i LOVE coming home and hiding in my bed with a book. i don’t want to have to worry about someones feelings in that regard. yeah, yeah, yeah, my last two long-term playmates have ended up pseudo boyfriends. but, it a way, i think even that was easier. and i am hoping i can stick to my guns better (might put a sticky on my bathroom mirror to remind me). it WOULD be nice to have a date to events. but, besides weddings, i do things well on my own. it is like morrissey says..i need to be loved…only maybe it isn’t JUST like everybody else does. or maybe i have the secret that eluded morrissey. i shall, in the most cliche manner, speak with my therapist before starting to look for a new playmate. i must say, i feel more hope about this than finding a boyfriend.

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