which was a mistake. it was 11p-7a. my team was cliquey and i had way too much time to think.

saw Lawrence of Arabia in 70mm yesterday. it was amazing. i’d forgotten half the film. lawrence was crazy and his death TOTALLY ironic. but damn, he was great.

saw it with a friend i have considered in the past. he is a processor like me. always a pleasure to talk to. but i’ve always felt there was something off. still feel it.

haven’t been excited about a boy in years. you know, the tingly “will he call” feeling. i’ve asked this before, is that a product of age or not meeting the right person. don’t get me wrong, i REALLY like kyle. but it just takes too much. sean and i talked about whether we grow older and lose the ability to be flexible, to compromise, to put up with things. or is it statistics? smaller pool of candidates. do we get into things easier when younger and the inertia to get out is too weak? am i one of those people with incredible inertia? or does the strength to avoid things get better as we grow older? whatever it is, i am single. and lonely. i’m awesome, but i am lonely.

i am working a lot in the next 4 weeks. good way to avoid. good way to dig out. good way to fund my oct medical procedure.

went to the gym saturday. it hurts to breath deeply. i’ll go back today, hope to warm the muscles to a level of comfort. snuggle with my cat first.

i got a strange phone call last night. it was from a playmate from college. i think i have spoken to him once prior to now, since college. and i think that was texting on fb or something. he called me because he had just talked on the phone with the boy who introduced me to him. another one of my playmates in college. we had a threesome even. this was a boy sorta of dating someone else. and then he was engaged to her. when they were sort of dating, we played. when he told me they were engaged, i told him i would’t play with him anymore. but i could have had him. he had a tumultuous childhood and even ran away from home at one point. but he had this insane sense of responsibility/accountability. but he wanted to break out. he wanted to grab his youth and i was the symbol of that. i was the debaucherous and adventurous potential girlfriend. as with so many since, i asked for nothing and represented fun. but he was engaged. i couldn’t possibly interfere with that. i think i could have taken him. but that would have been wrong. at the same time, he was one that got away. one i wanted to try with. this call upset me. after splitting with kyle, this lost relationship. it was upsetting. it made me feel more disconnected and alone. i didn’t like it.

tonight i listed to one of the bands i am not seeing this weekend. skunk anansie. the song is tracey’s flaw. it is about a woman who uses a man. goes back when things are bad for her. for some reason, i have always been afraid to be that person. i think it is hypocrisy. there is NOTHING i hate more than a hypocrite. childhood, blah blah blah. anyhow. tracy’s flaw is that she goes back to this man who loves her so much, when she needs him, but abuses that love when it suites her. i cheated on my first boyfriend, my boyfriend in high school. and i never wanted to do that again. be a hypocrite. did i not give myself the chance though? do you have to fight for it sometimes? does that mean you aren’t a hypocrite but someone trying to get their needs met? i still think we have to get what we want fairly. but what haven’t i gotten as a result? or what has my flawed logic meant to my happiness?

i am getting a custom made murphy bed made. it is going to be super goth. but the creator has taken a fancy to me. how do i do this? i had a patient’s son make a comment about how unique i look at work today. i want to be me. i don’t want to follow trends, i want to set them (thank you Adam Ant). but i don’t like this level of attention. i don’t know what to do.

i want a boyfriend. i want one that cares for me deeply, but understands my work is everything. that it isn’t personal when i get home late. who is flexible, but lives up to agreements. my agreement is i will be home from work as soon as i can. things change, i understand and respect that, but don’t just drop me. i give a lot, but i need flexibility. should that be so hard? i’m awesome.

my hair is so long the only way to really manage it is to braid it everyday. but i don’t really have time. i really need that personal assistant now more than ever.

tonight i have stayed home to comfort myself. nachos. sat in the throne. cat at my side. milka chocolate. but i am still sad. i was going through the photos on my iPad cause there were duplicates. and there were photos of kyle. he has a great photo face. there is a photo of him with gandalf too.  she misses him. at least she is super attention deficit. anyhow, just expressing.

i am really torn about my trip next week. i have NO problem hanging around NYC by myself. but i don’t want to go to the festival alone. on the other hand, i am afraid i will just spend all of next week alone. because i don’t have any close connections right now. of course, it is my lifestyle that does this to me. anyhow, i’ll maybe read some books and pick up some shifts. i feel connected working. but i need to make sure that does not become my only existence. i know nurses like that.  they are great people but it is not good.

basically i feel content inside. but it feels odd too. so maybe i am misinterpretting something? or maybe i just don’t know what it feels like to be content? or maybe this is middle age? or midlife crisis? i am worried. but my therapist (how cliche!) thinks i worry ahead of time too much.

and all i have is bad news.  ok, not all bad. but some bad. bad enough. i split with kyle today. i just couldn’t handle the emotional hand-holding. am i jaded? just tired? breathtakingly unrealistic? i asked my therapist if i was being unrealistic. she said i wasn’t getting what i needed. but do we? or is that the pessimism? what this means is i don’t have anyone to go to NYC with next week.  i would be a lot of sunk cost lost. but i really don’t want to go alone.  i am good at traveling alone, but this, this i don’t want to do alone.

my therapist said you’ll lose the companionship. i feel that loss. i feel frightened and a little empty.

other like is good. love my new job. my condo rocks. i spend too much money on my cat.