i need to not become frustrated with relationship issues. i think that means i need to say things early. of course, finding a time to express worrisome things is awkward. andreas and i tried talking about issues/feelings specifically on sunday afternoons. i am not sure that is a good way of doing it. the health topic needs to be addressed though. the response i received when i brought it up before was very “medical definition”. it felt like i was a student or patient who doesn’t know anything about diabetes. but i do. and there is no reason not to try. i have made it VERY CLEAR that i do not want to deal with unmanaged health issues. but i don’t want to do an ultimatum. but i am not sure what the middle ground is. i got an enthusiastic text message about fitness, but there was coffee cake involved ;> i’d like to do things together. our strange sleep schedule differences make things hard. but we should try, right?
it still feels incredibly comfortable though (a reason i want to work out the health thing for sure!). i just don’t worry with Kyle. i express myself. i ask my questions and share my concerns. i tell him how much i care about him and i am not afraid to do so. he is been VERY good about sharing his feelings. much less staring at me when i know there is something going on in his head. and lots of sex. lots. it’s all very nice. it’s so nice to feel so, just, nice.
i’ve been busy. sorry about that. i work a lot. and i spend a lot of time with kyle. and i try to still see my friends. i baked a coffee cake…literally, for my coworkers. busy.
Kyle and i are playing house this week. his roommate is out of town so i moved in for the week. of course, i work Mon-Wed. so when he is getting up, i am getting home. i did some grocery shopping and we have meals through Thursday. kyle doesn’t eat well. it isn’t crazy horrible, like the pts on my floor, but his health was the number one concern i had in starting this relationship. i need to find a way to talk about it. but i fear i will do it wrong. he loves to cook, is happy to cook for me. but not himself. i understand exhausted. though i don’t feel this way at my current job, i understand beat down by your job. this is SUCH a big issue for me though. i don’t want to be a nurse at home. which i told him. but i also don’t want to have to end a relationship over health. how to address it? won’t see therapist for another week. and the living together thing makes me very nervous. my space is so importantly MY space. i am very reluctant to share which is probably a bad attitude. but I’d rather he live next door. it isn’t not wanting to make a commitment. as it is now, i could see myself with kyle long into the future. but sharing my space? REALLY hard. weird. I know.
things are good otherwise. we are having a lot of fun. being in a consciously committed relationship for the first time since high school (and sort of my marriage) feels new and very exciting. it’s fun. i get to be silly. i get to get in the shower and introduce myself as “your washer, today”, before i go to sleep for the day and he goes to work. i get to hug him when i want. it’s a whole lot of fun.