tonight was the goth ball.  i looked wonderful, though i felt awkward in my clothing.  just proves it is all attitude.  the music was fantastic.  the last song i danced to was “how soon is now”.  i then walked to voodoo donuts to buy donuts for my coworkers.  they enjoyed the donuts and boobies.  it was a good night considering all the standard defined good life items.  and yet i was SO lonely all night long.  all the couples around me.  all the long-term established friendships.  and i am definitely outside.  but i think a lot of it is me.  i spent so much time, growing up, on the outside of the crowd, i don’t know how to be a part of it.  and with boys.  i suppose i should talk to them.  but i don’t want to appear too interested because i don’t want to have to fend them off.  my history proceeds me and the initiation to sex happens quickly.  and i hate that dance.  how do i signal, “i am being friendly, when i want to have sex, it’ll be obvious.  until then, be nice.”? how do i gradually establish a relationship?  anyhow.  i feel like my blog is my alter-ego.  in regular life i am good, i smile, i enjoy my work.  on my blog, i feel my loneliness.  gandalf ran away.  i have seen her, but she has been outside for two days now.  i don’t even have her to cuddle with now.