it’s funny, when i walk down the halls at the hospital, going to a pt room or the supply room, it feels like the office.  of course, i realize it is WAY more than an office.  it is a temporary home for some people, and i am their personal assistant.  it feels natural.  i walk down the halls with the confidence of knowledge. with limits, i know how my pts are doing, what needs to be watched and how things are going.  it feels good but it also feels isolating.  the isolation is more about the hours, i suppose.  of course, if i were more stable financially, i wouldn’t have to work so many hours.  it feels as though i am slipping away from the relationships i have. and i am not very good and building new ones.  i feel like i am reaching out, but it seems i am not.  or i am saying the wrong thing. or i am missing the cues i am getting in return.  it feels comfortable in the hospital but no where else.

when i went to work today (hospice) there were only 3 pts.  so i offered to go home before they sent me home.  it would have been nice if they had called me last night to say there were only 3 pts.  then i could have gone out.  i had my interview with the boss about a full-time day position.  she flat out said she won’t hire me.  she wants to keep me PRN (as needed) because i am reliable.  she doesn’t want to hire me because she wants someone with more experience.  i know the staff would want me.  it makes me sad.

my heart hurts so much right now.

i don’t know what to do anymore.  the problem must be inside me, but i am not sure how to reach it.  i am not sure how to reach out.  there is just all this frustration and sadness inside me and i don’t know what to do.

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