i arrived home tonight in my light winter coat, (wet) suede ankle boots and my panties.  it was raining something fierce when the club closed.  it seemed silly to stand hoping it would stop raining.  i ran for it. when i got to my car i took off the full-length satin skirt, floor-length white tail and t-shirt off and threw them in the back.  waited for the windows to clear and then turned up the heat a bit.  i gave a friend and his date a ride to his car.  when she got out she left the passenger door open and ran to his car.  that has made me not a fan, as i had to get out of my car (in only bra, panties and shoes) to close the door as i could get over the seat with everything being so wet.  she also stepped on my tiara.  oh well.

i bumped into an ex-lover tonight.  it made me sad.  besides wanting to connect, i miss sex.  the sex with this partner was quite nice, but we were such different people with such different life goals.  but i still find him so very attractive.  of well.  must stick with my plan.

and so i was SO lonely tonight.  so many of my friends with their partners.  fun had by couples.  am i rose-tinting my relationship memories?  i long for the relaxing feeling as one settles in next to one’s partner to sleep.  it feels so far away from my life.  i also bumped into someone that thrills me so very much.  but he is married.  i know he likes me too, but i don’t want to be second.  we tried to talk, but kept being interrupted.  and then he had to leave, because he was picking up his wife.  it made me SO sad.  i think this sad thing is starting to get too big.  i need to talk to my therapist directly about it.  i hope she can help.

it isn’t that i don’t think i will ever meet anyone.  nor do i feel unworthy or broken.  i simply feel very alone.  and it is feeling more crippling as the weeks go by.  surely there is a solution.