tonight i chopped fruits and vegetables for my meals and snacks next week.  i also had coffee with a friend that just got engaged.  and had brunch with some married friends.  and it feels HORRIBLE.  like there is this club and i am not allowed to join.  sort of like being an awkward child again.  the kid that no one wanted to play with at recess.  the kid that other kid’s parent’s complained would say awkward things and invited herself to parties (because she was the only one not invited).  at this stage of life my problem is two-fold: finding people that are attractive to me (physically and emotionally/intellectually) and being able to communicate with them.  i try to be calm about it all.  take deep breaths and believe.  take deep breaths and know that it is just time and effort.  but it is hard.  i am surrounded by al this connection i don’t get to be a part of.  i really like my friends.  i enjoy knowing them and having experiences with them.  they are my friends.  but they aren’t my partners.  and they have their own partners.  tonight, while i was chopping vegetables i really wanted to have someone chopping with me.  or even just sitting on the couch and chatting with me. or asleep in bed for me to snuggle up with a few hours from now.  the disconnect is turning into an ache.  i don’t know what else to do but keep trying.  but it is starting to ache.