it’s hard to imagine

i was sad today.  my inability to connect with people makes life complicated.  life changes and it is hard to roll with it.  i mean, one does, i do, but it makes me sad.  i felt lonely today. a few years ago we had a big goth thanksgiving.  rossandra (my friends Ross and Cassandra) would do it at their place one year and then mine the next.  this year we had it in the party room in my complex.  and all my friends were invited.  it was a great party.  the food was fantastic, there was nothing left (accept some pie, which i was mildly insulted by, but it also meant more pumpkin pie for me! i ate 4 slices like pizza.  as it should be.)  but very few of my friends came.  even those that said they would.  i made a pie for a guest who had a special food need.  she didn’t come to thanksgiving dinner.  she went to another dinner that was earlier and didn’t make it.  i had to work at hospice on friday.  i didn’t want to but the boss really needed the help and i really want to work their full-time, so i did it.  by the time i got home i was exhausted.  there were 3 clubs friday night.  clubs with great music planned.  but i couldn’t stay awake.  it sounded like my friends had an amazing time. today i tried to find people to go out with.  mathew and rothko had lunch with me and we went to the renegade craft fair.  it was busy and crowded there.  it was hard to relax and enjoy it.  we bumped into some friends outside the fair.  later i went to the sale at secret oktober.  some people came in.  one of the owners was so glad to see them.  because i don’t connect with people.  people think i am indifferent or unneeding or something like that. whatever it is, i don’t connect. i had no one to spend the afternoon with.  it made me sad.  as i was driving to a store for a local business sale, i thought to myself, if i were i an accident and i was really hurt and they asked me who to call, who would i say to call? i know people who would come, certainly, but who would be the right person to call?  they only person i can really think of is my mother, and really, she isn’t type of person i would want to call.  christine would come, if i called.  but we aren’t close like we used to be.  i am not a good friend for her.  it made me cry that i don’t have anyone that would be the right person to call.  this is the problem.

i joined my therapists group last week.  it was a strange first day. there is some history of conflict between some of the members and one of them wasn’t there.  those there expressed their opinions about the missing member being an ass.  the conflict sounded amusing.  there was staring down of people and criticizing the therapist.  it’s weird being new, walking in on it. everyone give short explanations of why they were there.  that was especially weird.  one person is there because of poor self-esteem, he hates himself.  another because of rage.  another came for another reason but figured out rage was the real issue.  it made me feel strange.  i believe in a hierarchy of problems, and my problem of not connecting thus being single is far less important than hating one’s self or being angry at everything in the world.  i spoke with my therapist privately the next day and told her that.  she replied “your problems matter”, which i replied that i agreed.  but in the context of the group, i felt like my problems weren’t as pressing.  my issues are worthy, it just doesn’t feel the right environment to try and push through them.  but i’ll give it a try if she thinks it is a good idea.

i was hurt that the friend i baked the pie for didn’t come to our thanksgiving.  i was sad not more of my friends attended.  what does one do with that feeling?  does one share it?  i don’t want to simply make her feel guilty.  but i don’t know what to do with these feelings.  is this what i need to learn to do?  i would be entirely willing to learn not to be hurt, but is that against my best self-interest?  i’ve spent a lot of energy in my life working to not be hurt.  has that worked against me in the end? i suppose that is what i should ask my therapist. or maybe the group. (i did ask my therapist if she thought deep down i hated myself.  i mean, i think i am awesome, but maybe i don’t really? she said she didn’t think i hated myself deep down.)

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