life is very up and down.  i fear that i will stay single and then i give my phone number to a 29 year-old at a club.  and i had a date today with someone of okcupid.  he’s awkward but interesting.  cute too.  and my age.  we will see.  but i still feel strange about it all.

work is good.  the new schedule works well.  i am still considering taking every possible bonus shift for, say, three months to try and kill a huge part of my debt.  then i won’t have to work extra shifts.  three and a half days off at a time is like living a normal life again.  but i can’t really afford a normal life right now.  and then there is a the whole hospice job thing.  meh.  though i am far more content in life than i have ever been, things make sense at this age, things ARE easier, and yet, it is still such an effort.  long ago i determined the point of life is to be born, live and die.  there is no special point to it at all.  where we come up with our  sense of morals, i have no idea.  we are here to live and i have done that.

gandalf peed on my bed again.  i think she did it because i have worked so much lately.  but i can’t handle this.  she has to move somewhere else.  it will be a challenge, if anything with trying to get her into a cat box.  she would make someone a great cat.  she is very affectionate at this point.  but i can’t handle her issues.  i can lock her out of my room all the time, but i don’t want to keep my door closed.  i don’t want to live like that.  if i leave the door open, then i have constant concern i will return home to a wet bed.  it makes me sad.  it is one of those exhausting life things.  so exhausting.  in the past i would have been able to handle this.  these days i am not.  i blame it on nursing.

i think, after my fast-paced youth, i am learning to live life more slowly?  spend less.  less friends.  less activity around me.  figuring things out more slowly.  maybe this will help.