life is very up and down. i fear that i will stay single and then i give my phone number to a 29 year-old at a club. and i had a date today with someone of okcupid. he’s awkward but interesting. cute too. and my age. we will see. but i still feel strange about it all.
work is good. the new schedule works well. i am still considering taking every possible bonus shift for, say, three months to try and kill a huge part of my debt. then i won’t have to work extra shifts. three and a half days off at a time is like living a normal life again. but i can’t really afford a normal life right now. and then there is a the whole hospice job thing. meh. though i am far more content in life than i have ever been, things make sense at this age, things ARE easier, and yet, it is still such an effort. long ago i determined the point of life is to be born, live and die. there is no special point to it at all. where we come up with our sense of morals, i have no idea. we are here to live and i have done that.
gandalf peed on my bed again. i think she did it because i have worked so much lately. but i can’t handle this. she has to move somewhere else. it will be a challenge, if anything with trying to get her into a cat box. she would make someone a great cat. she is very affectionate at this point. but i can’t handle her issues. i can lock her out of my room all the time, but i don’t want to keep my door closed. i don’t want to live like that. if i leave the door open, then i have constant concern i will return home to a wet bed. it makes me sad. it is one of those exhausting life things. so exhausting. in the past i would have been able to handle this. these days i am not. i blame it on nursing.
i think, after my fast-paced youth, i am learning to live life more slowly? spend less. less friends. less activity around me. figuring things out more slowly. maybe this will help.