there is a kelis song about this

i asked Ross if he could tell me why he treated me so badly the last few weeks he was in town.  tonight i received an email with his answer:

“I have had this email in my drafts folder for a while. Talking about how you fucked something up so completely and alienated your best friend is…well… I fucked up.

I fell in love with a very sick person that had been emotional devastated over the last 2 months to a degree that I did not comprehend. In my infatuation with that person combined with the distance that had grown between us over the last several  months leading up to my leaving for Alaska led me to distance us even further.

I was on the verge of giving up many of my friends in the pursuit of this ill-advised relationship and because I am closer to you than anyone else you felt the affects most acutely. In hindsight I hate myself for the course of actions that I took. I was letting someone else’s insecurities dictate how I would behave and what friends I would have. I was looking for strength in a relationship but found only fear and cowardice that brought suffering and pain to people that I love, most of all to you.

As I said previously, I acted monstrously to you and you have every reason to hate me. “

i have ALL sorts of emotions about this.  and i can’t sleep.  so i am going to brain storm.  if you don’t want to see hurt, insecure, pathetic heather, you should skip the rest of this entry.

i’ll start with some later emotions.  i feel a fool.  this is what i get for dating someone 17 years younger than me.  this is what i get for not sticking to my guns about the relationship i want and when i break-up with someone.  it isn’t all my fault, but as the, seemingly, far more mature and experienced person in the relationship, i should have known better.

perhaps i am just REALLY bad at picking partners (Sean, being the exception, though he isn’t actually a partner).  i think perhaps i am just really bad since my marriage ended (again, except for Sean, who i am not actually in a relationship with).  andreas is a classic narcissist and ross is 29.  then again, i really feel like not dating anyone would probably be my best bet at this point.  horrible role models, unable to learn better habits.  safest to just stay out of it.  i can always work.  there are always shifts that need covering.  i would get amazing joy out of paying off all my debt.

did you try and rebuild the distance?  no.  i will not take the blame for this.  it seems like the distance felt was not having sex as often. coming home and just expecting to have sex was a distance i felt.  that was never what i offered.

some initial emotions.  coward is a thought that comes to mind.  not about myself.  he hid it from me.  he avoided me.  after using me as his strength, of course.  coward.  which he remains.

other emotions…i want Ross to hurt.  i have never consciously said that before.  some people may have felt that way about my behavior, but i have never consciously felt it.  in the past, i think behavior that felt like that was just bad habits learned at home and self-preservation.  this is anger.  totally embraced anger.  i want the thought of me to pop into his head at the worse moments and ruin his day.  and it feels good.  though i realize, intellectually, it is a bad thing.  of course, people tell me i need to be more vulnerable. i think embracing my feelings, in this case, is being more vulnerable.  of course, another feeling i am feeling is more walls. i need no one.

and he fell in love with someone?  really?  just like that?  what does that say about his loving me?  i can hardly trust that emotion, at this point, can i?  of course, at his sister’s wedding, i knew she had her sights on him.  it was SO painfully obvious.  how come i am the only one that sees these things?

and how pathetic is he?  remember that note i sent him about how he aways came to me when he was hurt?  he was looking to replace me because i started distancing us in preparation for his move?  really?  i am that replaceable?  and doesn’t it seem obvious ONE MUST FIND STRENGTH IN THEMSELVES?!  but really, it is all because he is 29.  25 when i started this ill-fated relationship.  such a fool, such a waste of 4 years.

of course, i have NO idea what i would have done for those 4 years anyway.  i was too busy to try and build anything meaningful and real.  i really need to learn to go with my instinct. listen to the little voice. it was fun at times. there were times it was exactly what i needed.  just not recently.

he is just like his father.  of course, i am probably just like my mother (or a lot, at least) and that doesn’t particularly help.  at 46, i have overcome some poor relationship lessons i learned from her, i have grown into a different person than her.  perhaps Ross will grow away from his father as well.

he has never actually said he was sorry.  never used the word.  an important word.

why do i even care?  i’d really like to turn this emotion off.  probably not a good idea, probably best to let myself feel everything i am feeling.  perhaps that is how one learns?  but what i really want to do is shut it all out of my mind.  bury these feelings by dedicating myself to something else.

the tattoo on my right arm comes in handy again.

so does the Kelis song “caught out there”, with its perfect line of emotion, “i hate you so much right now!”

i am sure i will have new emotions as the days go by.  that is how life works.  i miss being married to patrick, but i am over it.  it just took time.

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