i am SUPER blue tonight. it is a whole bunch of things together.
i am eating raw green beans in bed. beanie was my nickname as a kid. this is not something i am blue about.
i had 2 hospice shifts this weekend. there is so much unhappiness amongst the employees. it makes me sad. i just want to help people who are dying. why so many politics? i actually think i like my job at St. David’s better. which makes me sad, because i like my hospice patients better. then again, healthcare is turning into a popularity contest, about “customer satisfaction” instead of health. it’s depressing.
i have a cash flow problem the first week of Oct. i hate that.
i feel a bit lost today. i mean, i enjoy my life. i feel that i have found my place. work. friends. social events. but, then there is my ever changing, not in a good way, body. so much work. do i want a relationship? it’s very hard. if i don’t try, do i turn into my mother who got horny at 65(ish)? is my reluctance to make an effort in a relationship because i don’t feel it, or my habit of being more comfortable with a sex-based relationship? to broken people? am i broken people co-dependent? it’s all just too hard to think about. i want easier things. haven’t i paid my dues? of course, that doesn’t matter. but still, i’ve paid my dues.