i am SUPER blue tonight.  it is a whole bunch of things together.

i am eating raw green beans in bed.  beanie was my nickname as a kid.  this is not something i am blue about.

i had 2 hospice shifts this weekend.  there is so much unhappiness amongst the employees.  it makes me sad.  i just want to help people who are dying.  why so many politics?  i actually think i like my job at St. David’s better.  which makes me sad, because i like my hospice patients better.  then again, healthcare is turning into a popularity contest, about “customer satisfaction” instead of health.  it’s depressing.

i have a cash flow problem the first week of Oct.  i hate that.

i feel a bit lost today.  i mean, i enjoy my life.  i feel that i have found my place.  work.  friends.  social events.  but, then there is my ever changing, not in a good way, body.  so much work.  do i want a relationship? it’s very hard.  if i don’t try, do i turn into my mother who got horny at 65(ish)?  is my reluctance to make an effort in a relationship because i don’t feel it, or my habit of being more comfortable with a sex-based relationship?  to broken people?  am i broken people co-dependent?  it’s all just too hard to think about.  i want easier things.  haven’t i paid my dues?  of course, that doesn’t matter.  but still, i’ve paid my dues.