i used to have a number of readers.  but my posts have gotten so sporadic that few people follow.  OR SO I THOUGHT! (nyah-ah-ah…you know the sneer that evil people make).  it seems i have friends, who know my friends, that read my blog.  and are interested in interfering in my love life.  WHAT?! someone informed sean that i had written about my strange feeling experience with him at my bday event.  he was not pleased. (no clue if he is still going to continue to read my blog).  ANYHOW, sean felt i was way off base and was upset i didn’t address him directly.  totally fair.  BUT this is all new to me.  when we did talk about it, i tried to explain (which we have actually talked about before) that i have NEVER dated conventionally before.  married suddenly.  all my relationships after that started because of sex.  i consciously ignored red flags in both relationships.  andreas is a narcissist.  boytoy is 29 (25 when we started sleeping together).  so, now, i am considering red flags.  or at least things that feel weird.  but i am new at this and i don’t trust my judgement.  and i have to consider how things feel to me.  i am not comfortable with my sudden reactions.  which is TOTALLY weird.  i sent an email to patrick a couple of years ago.  i asked him if if i had been very open with my feelings when we were still married.  seems to me i was and this poker face i have is since i moved to austin and since my divorce.  he didn’t reply.  which is fine, some times he does, some times he doesn’t.  but i think it is important.  i have trust issues.  SERIOUS trust issues.  for good reason.  whatever.  i am trying very hard to do this whole dating thing.  but it’s hard.  i am 46 years old and have never really done this.  sean suggested he would prefer speaking directly in the moment.  but i am not ready for that.  sorry, just not.  i mean, i am trying but i am not there yet.

not sure where this leaves sean and i.  at the end of our chat he said he didn’t expect resolution in the moment.  which makes me uncomfortable.  but my therapist said the closer i got to him the more uncomfortable i would become. (i realize how cliche it is to say “my therapist said” but she did and it’s helpful).  and i am.  my gut feeing is to run.  but i like him.  (and he’s hot).  and i don’t trust my gut feelings these days.  i am trying to break a bad habit in dating.  i am going to keep trying.