reoccurring mistakes

i realized this week that there isn’t enough sexy in my life.  there is little sex as well, but that isn’t what i miss, so much.  my friend peter, who didn’t lose his virginity until he was 41, would get massages per suggestion of his therapist because he had no physical human contact.  just to feel what it feels to have someone touch you.  i realized i have been missing that.  and sex doesn’t cut it.  of course, i made a mistake (sort of) this weekend by having sex with ross.  now, i love ross and enjoy his company, but i am a therapist and a sex partner for him.  two things i enjoy, but not what <b>I</b> want.  not what i <b>NEED</b> from a relationship, even a casual one.  it is an important relationship, and at one time it was exactly what i needed.  but the narrowness of the relationship isn’t enough for me anymore.  and i keep hoping i will get more of what i need.  which is MY mistake.  i am not saying he is blameless, he knows i want to be more than a sexual object and confessor, but he is also 29, so, i cut him some slack.  my therapist says that intimacy is when someone has your back.  my mother have had conversations about what love is.  she always says she would be at my bedside if i were hurt.  as we generally try to avoid that position in life, her love sounds a lot like being a fireman (who are VERY important people, and having people at your bedside in a hospital is a very wonderful thing).  and what about the REST of my life?  but this is post is about my love life.  let’s get back to that.  the sex was nice, and it definitely helped with missing touch, but it was all sexual.  i didn’t feel, uh, touched? you know what i mean? it was really nice sex, but i didn’t feel as though i connected.  ross has expressed how much he misses “our talks”.  we talk deeply, as i do with most people (though more deeply with ross, for sure).  as i have said before, we also have sex.  but that is it.  ross is pretty social, but not with me.  his comment is “we like to do different things” which is absolutely true.  but i feel like someone whose purpose it to make someone feel better so they can then go out and be productive again.  enjoy life more.  i feel like a tool, not a person.  i care deeply for ross, but as i told him recently, i’m #1, just like he is.  to ourselves, we have to be #1.  i need to start treating myself like #1.  and this isn’t the way.  so i keep trying.  i had a great date with sean.  he was sick today so our second date didn’t happen.  that is the thing about dating i one’s 40s, we are getting inflexible.  anyhow, you know, lesson learned again, mistakes made, i am working on it.  as my mantra has become “i’ll get there”.

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