that’s what my therapist told me i needed to focus on.  it feels like a really big topic though.  i’ve gained 20 lbs. since starting at St. D’s.  a very small percentage of my clothing fits me.  as i have everything tailored to fit, i have easily grown out of it.  i don’t find my body grotesquely large (except my belly.  belly fat is freaky) but i don’t fit in anything.  and i can’t afford, nor want, to replace my wardrobe.  i have an awesome wardrobe.  it all seems to hinge on sleep though.  and how i am not getting enough quality sleep.  and how i eat at strange times.  and i don’t eat enough vegetables.  the melatonin my new GP recommended has helped a little.  but i am still not sleeping long enough.  she wants me to see a sleep specialist and consider a sleep study.  i am not sure i think apnea is the problem.  my screwed up clock is.  and then it all reinforces itself.

sometimes i think all i need is more discipline.  if i plan my time better, i’ll have control over my body, food, exercise.  but then i am tired.  and i miss people.  and life takes so much more time than it used to.

much of my life i have been a very sure person.  i roll with things but have always been confident.  when i started as a hospice nurse, i was sure i had found what i wanted to do for the rest of my life.  so i bought a new car when my old one was creeping on 100k miles.  when i started at HA, i was sure i had found the place to work for the rest of my life.  but neither of those ended up being true.  so i am back to not knowing what i want to do (though i am sure it is nursing) and i have a car i don’t really need.  so, now, i am starting to fear all my decisions.  i THINK i have changed a lot since i moved to austin.  i have a super-duper poker face now.  i don’t think i did before.  i think i have always hidden my vulnerabilities, but that is more severe now.  it is like i am curling in on myself.  will i become old and bitter?