how quickly it seems different

i am generally a very positive person.  i am the optimist in my group of pessimist friends.  but today, as i return from another night of struggle at the office, i have a hard time believing.  i got stuck with a needle at work (pt was clean but i can’t donate for a year), i am financially strained to the absolute end, i have a relationship that is more than lovers but not quite partners, i am gaining weight and can’t generally get control over my body.  i am just so tired of it all.  i want to go out and be with friends, but i want to sleep.  i want to eat right, but i need emotional boosts at work.  i want to learn to run, but i am so tired.  i want my body back but i haven’t the will.  i want to stop feeling like i am on an edge.  keeping everything in the air is getting so tedious and i don’t know that gravity won’t win in the end anyway.

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