Daily Archives: January 25, 2015


a week, or so ago, i had 2 nightmares.  one after another.  ruined my day to say the least.  i didn’t leave bed for hours.  really wished i had a cat that would cuddle me.  boytoy came over and went to the grocery store with me.  the first nightmare was nursing school.  i went to talk to one of my teachers and ended up on a bus of second years.  they were going to a special clinical.  i tried to tell them i wasn’t a second year but they wouldn’t listen.  they said i had to stay and do the assignment.  i tried to tell them i wasn’t qualified but they said it didn’t matter.  they said i had to do the assignment and if i didn’t complete it i would fail out of nursing school.  i was understandably distressed.  normally i can control my dreams.  i know when things are silly and i need to change something, but this time i couldn’t.  so i wake up, i am not happy, and i go back to sleep.  THEN i have another nightmare.  this one i am at the house in santa barbara and the water doesn’t work.  i try to tell my mom but she won’t listen.  i NEED the water to work so i can go do something really  important.  it won’t work if i don’t have the water first.  but she won’t listen, she keeps walking away, she keeps ignoring me.  it feels horrible.  i am going to fail at something (not sure what it was) unless the water comes back on and my mom won’t help me, she is going to let me fail and i don’t understand why.  same with the nursing school instructors.  i woke up from the second dream and could not believe the horrible sleep.  i felt mean.  i avoided everything, was supposed to help a friend organize, but just couldn’t.  seems like it was a dream where my self-conscious was trying to tell me i am not in the control i think i am.  but why so brutal?  and what control?  part of me thinks it is about boytoy.  the non-defined nature of our relationship.  i don’t think it is work.  or castle black.  maybe my health or weight?  i didn’t like it.  i should eat right and do yoga and not spend money.  then it would narrow the lack of control.  i hope i don’t have nightmares like that again.