too thin

i am spread too thin.  emotionally speaking.  i love to sport my friends.  it comes natural and is a major priority in my life.  but i am just SO overwhelmed right now.  certain, some of it has to do with the cats not letting me sleep.  they have to go somewhere else.  i can’t live like this.  if they were children, we could go to therapy at the very least.  no so with cats.  and part of it is money.  i always have a problem with money.  but part of it is all the help i offer.  and the way people respond to me.  you say, “well heather, just stuff sticking your nose where it doesn’t need to be!”.  but that is who i am.  i am a helper.  i am a listener.  i am a negotiator.  i am a moderator.  i LIKE being there for people.  but right now, right now i am very emotionally drained.  i got lectured at work on friday.  had a friend who needed emotional support because of a break-up (she needs a lot of professional help, in my opinion), we had dinner Saturday.  got home from dinner to have a date and just as my date arrived i saw that a friend posted a suicide note on FB.  though we all wrote “call someone”.  i decided i would just call.  but i was out of my depth.  i know some of the things you have to do…do they have a plan, do they have the means, etc. but i was out of my depth.  i conferenced in a mutual friend who has a degree in counseling.  then i listened for an hour because if i hung up they would get disconnected.  and the date, the date is a lovely 29 year-old who thinks i am the greatest thing since sliced bread.  reminds me a little of patrick, though more talkative.  he is pushing too hard.  and i am just older and pessimistic.  perhaps because he reminds me of patrick in the beginning, i am weary because i figure he will get tired of me like patrick did.  it just feels like so much emotion that i don’t have.  he is very touchy-feely (not inappropriately, just a lot of PDA) and needs constant reassurance.  is always saying things that make you feel you must say something back.  emotional blackmail.  but at the same time he is smart and funny and likes to provide service (it’s a  BDSM thing).  maybe it is my job?  the patients at my old agency didn’t exhaust me like this.  my boss did.  but not my patients.  at this agency my patients exhaust me and so does my boss.  (i did do a blood draw on Friday that was TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL!  i fee like a real nurse now).  i am not even sure i want to have sex with anyone.  yeah, it is THAT bad.  it is too much trouble to access that emotion inside of me.  i haven’t felt excited about meeting anyone, in i don’t know how long.  you know, that tingly feeling in the beginning when you are waiting on pins and needles to see or talk to them again?  that feeling where you want to swallow them up so you can know everything about them?  i don’t feel that.  not for anyone.  i feel unappreciated a bunch lately.  the boy who used to live under my bed never really thanked me.  his motorcycle has been at my new place for almost 6 months when it was supposed to be 2 and i had to mention it needed to be picked up.  he didn’t even thank me or apologize for blowing it off.  and the 40-years-old virgin.  i had asked him to consider being roommates with the boy under my bed and he said now because he was sleeping with a girl they had both wanted and he needed his own space.  now, like 7 months later they are roommates (he isn’t seeing the girl anymore).  i just bothers me.  i don’t need a lot.  but i’d like a heart felt thanks.  i’d like the acknowledgement that i helped simply because i could.  so you might say, “but heather, if you helped simply because you could, you shouldn’t need anything at all in return.”  but i would say, “true, but i also don’t like feeling taken advantage of.”  i asked boytoy if we could just date until he leave town.  that i was tired of looking and being in limbo.  i told him he could think about it.  i never heard back.  so you might say, “he’s a boytoy, heather, what do you expect?”  i expect more consideration of my feelings and respect.  i feel so much pressure.  how do i relieve the pressure without disconnecting from it all?  how do i create boundaries?  how do i get support?  how do i get help with the things i struggle with?  ok, my struggles might be more intense, since i generally can take care of myself beyond the point that most people can (i say this because this is what i have been told by friends and therapists.)  so, yeah, it might be some heavy help.  but aren’t i worth it?  i really think i am worth it.

are you familiar with the 5 love languages?  it’s silly, i realize, but it helps to explain something about me.  my love language isn’t an office one.  the office ones are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch.  mine if being remembered.  i didn’t feel my parents remembered me.  my mom was too busy with my dad and my dad was too busy with being an alcoholic.  i have felt that all my life i have had to ask people to share with me.  by that i mean, if i had a presentation or a test or something that i was doing that was important, i feel like i had to ask people to care.  instead of my loved ones asking me “so, how did the presentation go?!” i had to remind them about it.  someone remembering how i love pad kee mao and bringing me some when i post i am too busy to eat, that is remembering me.  asking me “how is it going with that pt that is so needy?  did you find a solution to the med problem?”  that is remembering me.  i don’t need to be taken care of.  sure, we all love to be pampered now and again, but i take really good care of myself.  i don’t need to be reassured.  i know i am awesome (as we all are). i just need to know you are thinking of me and remembering what is going on in my life.  and caring enough to call/write/ask how it is going, and sometimes, if you can help.  i’ll probably say no, the vast majority of the time, but it sure would be nice to be asked, and to, once in a while, say yes.

i may call in sick tomorrow just to regroup.  i feel like i am too frazzled to keep it together tomorrow.

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