i was suppose to give platelets today. but my iron was too low. i need to eat more normally. i rarely have lunch and then end up scarfing when i get home. my body is out of control. i feel lumpy and just seem to be getting bigger and bigger. menopause, i suppose.
today i was reading a new tony hill book i haven’t read before and a scene really upset me. two people get killed in a horrible way. a cruel way. i think i have said before i can handle insane, but this was cruel. it really put me off and i have stayed that way. they are just characters in a book. could it be because i have a hard time imaging people hurting others on purpose? and this was so very much that. it wasn’t even the murdered characters that the murder was trying to hurt. it was the people let over. it feels yucky. like a world i don’t want. and yet, it is fiction, so it isn’t really. right?
no one thrills me anymore. you know how, when you meet new people, people you might date, there is this excitement about getting to know them? i don’t have that anymore. not about anyone. i do look forward to messages from boytoy. but i think that is because i know he going to be nice to me and i trust him. new boys i meet, it all feels so scripted. like a game. i don’t trust any of it. ok, yeah, i am awesome. so what? anyhow. is this feeling because patrick left me (see, i said it)? is it because andreas cheated on me even though we were poly? is it because my mom can plan a trip to NYC to see plays nearly a year in advance but can’t plan a trip to visit me in my home 4 months from now? do i simply not trust anyone to not hurt me? do i not trust myself? my own judgment? i don’t feel angry. and i am generally quite happy these days (with they exception of this book thing). so what is it? certainly some of it is stress. i have more things to do than i have money for and i worry about staying ahead. and the cats. i don’t sleep at night. and my body, i don’t understand it anymore. i guess things are worse than i thought they were, huh. i should probably stop thinking about this or i am just going to cry alone in my room.
monday is the big day. i become heather athena black on monday.