Monthly Archives: February 2014

definitely

definitely ready to live alone again.  i have the house to myself this week, and it is really nice.  i can use the kitchen the way i want.  i can just be how i want.  lately i have been looking at condos.  getting into a condo is going to help (which is counter-intuitive as i want to be wanted.  i just want to have my own place to go home to).

analysis

boytoy and i did a bit of personal analysis on sunday.  i won’t go into his bullet points (we even used a wipe board).  mine were few, cause i have been down this road.  there were three:
-Awesome
-Nice to have help from: everyone loves me helping them, i can do lots of stuff
-Unwanted

yeah, yeah, yeah…people love me, people like me, but no one wants me.  patrick wanted me, but then didn’t anymore (i don’t blame him).  men (and women) want me, as in the desire sense.  but nobody “wants” me, in the, to be with sense.  there are probably boys (and maybe girls) out there that would say they want to date me, they want me.  but i don’t actually believe it.  why?  i dunno.  because everyone talks about my beauty and the great things i do.  but who talks about who i am?  who even asks me about me?  i am happy to answer questions, but i don’t get asked a lot.  and perhaps this is the vibe i give off that i don’t need anything.  but i do.  and i don’t understand how people could feel otherwise.  i have said it before, but i will say it again, OBVIOUSLY no one is an island, as Morrissey said, “i am human and i need to be loved”.  duh.  i am pretty busy these days.  and i am doing great things.  but i really want to be wanted, not needed, wanted.  i’ll get there.

tonight i did NOT get carded.  sadness. (i bought a bottle of wine)

i start my new job on March 3rd.  i am excited and nervous.  hospice austin is THE hospice org in austin.  i am worried about being as great for them, as i am for S&W hospice.  oh sure, i’ll get there, but i want to be great for my new patients as fast as possible.  cause they are dying and deserve it.

other good things have happened lately.  i just can’t remember off the top of my head what.  but, suffice it to say, i am kicking ass and taking names still.

it was a great week

…so why do i feel so depressed?  i have a pt who is COMING OFF HOSPICE because of me (i didn’t save his life or anything, i just noticed something), i started looking at condos (because apartments are ridiculous in austin), OH! i got a job offer from, what i would say, is the best hospice organization in austin, everyone at S&W hospice is super sad i am leaving (and i feel super guilty), i looked really cute tonight when i went out for sushi.  by. my. self.  which might be why i feel so sad.  here i am doing GREAT THINGS(!!), and yet i am single.  without any really possible prospects.  how can i be so awesome and so un-partnerable?  i went out to a very nice sushi restaurant by myself tonight.  i looked totally cute.  sat at the sushi bar.  there was a cute single boy sitting next to me (at least he was alone).  not a peep.  i was really hoping to at least talk with someone new.

really, i kicked-ass this week.  i should be happier.  i’ll try some more tomorrow.