the real reason

so, when i talk about why i ended things with boy toy, i talk about wanting him to go out into the world and find himself.  how i began to feel that i was holding him back.  we had a very nice thing going on.  very comfortable, very nice, very easy.  and i do want him to find himself, and i honestly don’t think that will happen in austin.  but anyhow, there is more to the reason i ended it, more of the real reason…see, i wanted to come home to him.  i wanted him to come home to me.  having him crawl into bed with me was just the best.  i wanted more of that.  but that wasn’t the deal.  the deal was no requirements.  no requests. i asked a couple of things, a couple of times, but even those didn’t really work.  the comfort was the easy.  the easy was part of why so much comfort.  and i really wanted to change the easy.  i wanted requirements.  which weren’t really requirements in my book, just needs in a relationship.  but from the outside that is what they were.  if things don’t grow organically, well.  my friend mathew would say, and probably lots of relationship gurus, that you have to ask for what you want.  and i agree, within the context.  there was no context.  that wasn’t the point of the relationship in the first place.  but what i really wanted was to have him come home to me.  and that just wasn’t right, so i figured i had to get out before it got too hard.  before i started to say and expect things wrong.  no reason to ruin a wonderful connection with unreasonable unmet expectations.  man though, i sure miss him.

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