so my friend Mathew left a comment on my last post that i shouldn’t think of it as wasting my time.  that time you enjoy is not wasted.  it then dawned on me that it is possible some of my lovers might have been offended.  i am sorry if it felt that way.  i am not discounting for a moment(!) the wonderfulness of my lovers time and touch.  they wouldn’t be my lovers if i didn’t enjoy my time with them (we aren’t talking dozens of people here, but i want to keep the pronouns generic and vague).  i wouldn’t spend any time with them if i didn’t derive some joy from it.  i say ‘wasting my time” because i am thinking about my future.  i am thinking about my limited free time and, as a previous process engineer, how to maximize the probability of meeting some “who really loves you.”*  the reason i use the phrase “wasting my time” is because i SHOULD be focusing on meeting new people, instead of pleasuring myself (and others) with people i don’t have a romantic future with.  though i understand the idea that humans need touch, playing with people i have no romanic future with is starting to leave me sad. it is fun while i am there, and it feels good, but i feel sad when i go home.  which sort blows my mind because i have always been so “sex is fun”.  but perhaps that is because i have always had a boyfriend/husband, since i started having sex.

i am trying really hard with the mantra “You’ve got time” but i am starting to panic.  i have never been so envious of my friends around me.  the ones in happy relationships.  it is not one of those “why won’t someone love me” things.  someone will, i just have to find them.   i am not even surprised by not being asked out.  i intimidate people and i give off this vibe that i don’t need anyone.  but i can’t figure out how to change the vibe while still being me.

my lovers are all wonderful in their unique ways.  i seek their time, and touch, because of the greatness that comes of our play.  but, for one reason or another, they are not available as romantic partners. i end up filling too many hours with them, and not enough working to find “somebody who really loves you.”*  i am trying to be disciplined in what i really long for, a partner.

(perhaps the problem is my lovers are too wonderful (certainly the case for boy toy, who was more than a lover really) thus making it too easy to spend so much time with them?)

*The Smiths, “How Soon is Now?”, 1985

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