wasting my time

i continue to waste my time.  i waste my time with people that are only periodic in my life.  mind you,  i greatly enjoy the time i waste, but it is wasted.  i spent last evening with an old lover.  it was a lovely evening.  we waxed on about life and love and paris.  and then we touched.  i was even asked for the touch (which is terribly rare in this case), which was flattering.  and the touching was wonderful.  oh my it was so nice.  it was almost a shame to move on from there.  but ultimately, after a delightful evening, i am left with no potential for the future and another night having missed the chance to meet someone new.

i just ended a delightful relationship that had no future, so why waste my time with others?  is it because i am so good at it?  as hard working as i am, i think i am sort of lazy.  i am very good at being the perfect girlfriend.  i am smart, attractive, good in bed and i don’t really ask for anything in return.  it is this part i play so well.  and it feels good.  perhaps what i am is a lover, not a perfect girlfriend.  it has always seemed to me that a lover was less involved, but perhaps the difference between girlfriend and lover is asking for things, not time.  i don’t seem to get to the asking stage.  that, or i over ask suddenly.  most of my relationships have been instant on.  of course, most of them have been initiated on the premise of simply being lovers, but then the time commitment got out of hand and it was more than that for me.  and then, i didn’t get what i wanted.  i got things that were nice, things that are nice, but not what i want.

perhaps i don’t know how to be in a relationship where i ask for the things i want.  the two, adult relationships, i have been in, where i thought i was asking for what i wanted, were patrick and andreas.  and neither of those really worked out.  perhaps i am afraid to ask for what i want, because i know i don’t do it well, so i am too scared to try.  perhaps,  these pleasing interludes, where i play “lover+” are all i think i can do.  you know, deep down inside.

i have always considered myself as being mostly self-actualized.  but maybe that isn’t the case.  maybe there is some HUGE secret hidden deep down inside me that no one has even glimpsed.  that would be terrifying.  though, part of me thinks it would be exciting.

a beautiful presentation, stimulating conversation, perhaps a meal, eroticism and then sex.  sometimes i/they stay the night, sometimes not.  it is beautiful and pleasing.  often it is not orgasmic, but it feels beautiful.  and yet, it seems like a waste of time, if what i want is something else entirely.

around and around i go.  perhaps this is how it should be.  perhaps these are the best relationships for me.  if it weren’t my own blog, i would tell myself to shut-up.  but my readers, who are left, can simply roll their eyes and say, “she is on about that again.”   but i believe, if i keep facing it, i will start to recognize it earlier.  i will start to resist the urge to say “yes” to  an evening with someone whom i only hear from periodically, even if i greatly enjoy the time i spend.  i don’t regret any of my evenings, but, if what i really want something more, i have to give something more a chance.

One thought on “wasting my time

  1. Here’s something it took me a long time to learn: Time spent enjoyably is not wasted.

    (“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time” — Marthe Troly-Curtin.)

    As a human being, you need social interaction, and you need touch; after all, we’re social creatures who evolved from apes who groomed each other. We probably need sex too; it lowers stress levels, men are less likely to get prostate cancer, it strengthens social bonds, and so on.

    So you spent an evening getting things that you need as a human being, and you enjoyed doing so. That’s not wasting time any more than eating food is wasting time.

    OK, so maybe you need a partner, I totally understand that. But my perception has always been that dating is not a pleasurable experience. It’s basically setting aside your immediate needs in the hope that things will get better in the long run. I’m all about deferred gratification, but doing it all the time is just as unhealthy as never doing it, and it sounds like your self-expectation is “no more getting what I need until I get it from a partner”. I’ve lived that life, and it’s pretty miserable.

    Maybe have a “serious date quota”? Make yourself go on (say) two serious dates a month, and then let yourself enjoy the other times. Or go speed-dating, and get a ton of dating over with in an evening.

    I do think you could be better at asking for what you want — not that I think I’m any better at it myself, though maybe it’s for different reasons.

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