why are we still single?

had dinner with my friend noah tonight.  he and i met on OKC.  he is cool.

we talked about dating a bunch.  it helped me evolve some of the thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  we agreed that i should make myself less “perfect” on paper.  i exude someone who needs nothing.  it is sort of semantical, i think.  do i ***need*** someone?  no.  i have friends and lovers.  my life is full of wonderful interactions.  do i want something in an intimate partner?  yes.  i think i want it very much.  do i still think maybe i am not built for it?  sort of.  but i might as well try.  anyhow…

noah suggested we were both looking for someone to put up with us.  i only partly agree with that.  i mean, i am awesome, so dating me would be rad.  i do have certain personality quirks that take communication.  and i don’t want just anyone.  but yeah, i think i’d like someone to look past my paper “perfectness” and decide they have something to offer me.  something they want to share with me.  someone that sees my need and feels they can be that person.

how come nobody meets me and says, “oh my god!  you are amazing and cool!  i wanna hang out with you!” and then proceeds to hang out with me?  i meet men that say that but really mean they want to play with me.  those that want to just hang out (play or not) aren’t really into the long-term, regular thing.  they want to hang out occasionally.  i said to noah that i don’t meet very many men that want to date me.  they want to hang out with me, but not date.  he responded that he had wanted to date me.  i responded didn’t he think we were incompatible.  he agreed but said he would have enjoyed dating some more.  i am not sure i know what that means.  if you aren’t compatible, aren’t you just wasting time dating?  isn’t it equivalent to my casual relationships?  dating knowing it isn’t going to work?  anyhow.

we talked about how i could express my need more.  we talked about the 90/10 thing (that 90% of the time i need nothing but 10% of the time i REALLY NEED SOMEONE and that ends of being scary for my close and intimate friends).  he says he is similar.  so short of making up fake reasons to show need, how could i show need?  he suggested talking more, in my online profile, about what i am looking for.  i talked about how boytoy and i had just “been” together a few times lately and that i really liked it (this was when we sat in bed surfing and sharing stuff we had found).  it made me think i wanted more in a relationship than i have now in my more casual relationships.  so do i put that in my profile?  my profile is me (okcupid logon name heatherinblack)  shouldn’t i be me?  or is me too much right off that bat?  when i met jonathan, granted i was married, but he was really into me.  wanted to jump in.  and that scared me.  when we started playing recently, he was very enthusiastic and it scared me a bit.  maybe i just get scared by too much enthusiasm and boys sense that?

noah thinks that when the right one comes along, we will know it.  it is just a matter of finding them.  at the same time, he also agrees one has to decide what is important and non-negotiable and what isn’t.  i tend to think that isn’t a list sort of answer.  i think it depends on a combination of things.  whereas in one person i could handle, say, the lack of interest in scooters, because things are more balanced by their interest in something else, someone else interested in scooters won’t work because they are lacking too much somewhere totally different.  i think the list of interests is not one-to-one but many-to-many and different weightings can cause perfectly equal totally different pairings.  make sense?  so if i were to list things i was interested in, in a boy, would that really work?

oh man, so tired.  need to sleep now.  more on this later.

One thought on “why are we still single?

  1. « i exude someone who needs nothing. » — That’s an aspect of the two Heathers. One of them really seems to need nothing—the one that people see most of the time.

    « how come nobody meets me and says, “oh my god! you are amazing and cool! i wanna hang out with you!” and then proceeds to hang out with me? » — Men have a tendency to fuckzone women at the best of times. Add the normal masculine fear of commitment and you have the phenomenon you describe.

    « if you aren’t compatible, aren’t you just wasting time dating? » — Well, you might learn to get better at it.

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