i keep trying to blog and i start and i have so much to say i don’t know where to start or how to say it and then i hit draft and go away again. part of it is fear too. i think i am about to learn something scary about myself. about to make relationship changes in my life that will take away some of my happiness but leave me better positioned long term (how business speak of me!)
first though…my body is taking over my mind and i don’t like it. i think i have mentioned that when i get off a long day at work, one where i am there well over 12 hours, i fall dead asleep for 6 hours, wake up RAVISHINGLY hungry, eat, and then instantly feel ridiculously exhausted and fall asleep again. usually for 6 more hours. the frustrating part is i can’t stop it. and it is frustrating. i want to take care of my body. i don’t want to increase my chances of all sorts of horrible diseases because of shift work. but i need my body to be more flexible. in my stupid BSN course we have been talking about sleep. i have learned a lot about how unnatural and bad my shift work is. but someone MUST be there for patients. and i can’t image working that hard 5 days a week. working 10 hours a day (cause you never get out in 8), STILL working nights. all i would do is sleep and work. i like nursing. i like the work. but how do i balance this physical demand with the mental need to stay connected to my world outside the hospital? is this just a new reality? is this what it means to get old?
my friend jonathan was in town this last weekend. he was here to help our mutual friend, and now his girlfriend, sheena, move to the bay area. jonanthan and i met working for MoveOn.org back in the day. then we met online again and went on a few dates. he was a little too much for me. too touchy-feely. too emotional. it made me nervous. it made me worry that he would sudden heap all sorts of emotion on me that i didn’t want to deal with. then i moved to austin and he introduced me to all his friends here (he had gotten his masters at UT). jonathan and i talk about our feelings a lot. we lay bare to our most honest thoughts about how we feel about partners and lovers. sometimes we play too.
normally it is just wonderful talking to him. i feel no judgment from him when i talk about being interested or not in lovers or potential partners. i am not afraid to admit possible insecurities or hypocrisies. it helps me to work them out and return to fairness in my behaviour. it was wonderful to talk to him this visit as well, but, the next day felt horrible.
i, again, am thinking that i am afraid of commitment. afraid to go all in emotionally with someone else. as i have mentioned in my blog before, i have a lot of really great intimate relationships. people i enjoy the company of, people who i enjoy talking to, people i enjoy playing with. but i don’t go much deeper than that. though i feel some excitement at the thought of spending an evening with one of my lovers, there isn’t anyone in my life, and hasn’t been in a LONG time (if ever?) that i feel just giddy about. as jonathan said. there is no one i want to tell everyone how much i adore! everything is tempered and controlled. compartmentalized. why? overly obvious possibilities are that i am afraid of being hurt by someone i risk to love. i would have leaned that from my parents. has that held me back? or is it my divorce? am i still afraid to risk that pain again? am i avoiding true connection because of a fear of being hurt again, as i was when patrick was so simply done with me? are there feeling deep inside me i don’t even now about?
some of my classmates suggested that i spend too much time with people who have no partner potential. i can see that. my response was that, though this was true, sitting at home waiting to find that person worth more seemed like a lonely, waste of time. i stated that i was open, to this more complete partner, and would curtail my time with my occasional lovers when i met “the one.” but is that possible? i am pretty open about my relationships. am i cutting off the possibility of exiting new more full relationships by giving off the vibe i don’t need anymore? i am pretty darn out together. why would anyone think i need anything more? of course, i KNOW that nothing is as it seems and would be suspect of anyone that says they don’t need connection. but i don’t think most other people see it that way. most other people see someone that looks satisfied and moves on. not having TIME to spend with other potentials is bad too. my schedule is so full over casual relationships that i don’t possibly have time for someone with more potential. it sends the wrong signal to be unavailable for weeks.
the thing that struck me most, in talking to jonathan, was when he said he had never heard me be excited over someone. when was the last time i couldn’t wait to have someone call? when was the last time i wanted to tell someone about my new crush/date/partner? patrick? but even then, i think i played it cool. perhaps sex is where i show someone how into them i am? but that is distorting. my mantra is “sex is fun”, so why would it represent anything else to my partners?
the change i think i need to make is to give up my casual lovers. though it brings me immense pleasure to spend an evening talking and exploring our knowledge and then connecting intimately, it is fleeting and i want something more long lasting. i want the pleasure of “being” with someone. am i turning my back on poly? certainly not. but i also don’t require it. i am trying to open myself up to deeper connection. giving myself over to someone else. to risk a deeper pain for a greater pleasure and satisfaction. do i even know how to do this? can i overcome my discomfort of someone “really being into me” and trusting a possibility?
is what i am thinking i want even possible? is it better to wait for something one and whole than to embrace the wonderful, though admittedly more shallow, intimate relationships i have? is the “one in the hand, two in the bush”? is my judgment good enough to know when someone is really into ME and not just my behaviours or looks? were i to open up, expose myself, would i do it wisely or just be another overly emotional girl? should i demand more in return for the time, energy and intimacy that i give now so freely, even though i am not being fully fulfilled? is it possible to be more fulfilled? there is some emotion, some feeling, just out of reach of my brain and not being channeled by my body, and i want to touch it. my instinct says it is good, but my sub-conscious is afraid.
that was chaos. i am going to try again later.