i am on autopilot a lot.  or at least very inside my head.  example: patient asked for a koband around his arm to hold his IV in place.  i started to wrap it, when the day nurse noticed that the catheter had come completely out.  basically the IV came out and was attached only by tape.  but i was so intent on doing JUST what i was asked, i didn’t look at anything else.  is this because i am so tired?  is it because i am scared of making mistakes?  it seems like i do this a lot.  like i am too inside my head.  i am going to make skills cards to carry around with me.  just items to remind me what to check when i am doing things for patients.  for instance, to take vitals BEFORE i do to pick-up blood (if their temp is too high, you can’t transfuse and i just have to take the blood back to the blood bank…waste of time and bad handling).  i certainly feel BETTER at the office.  i am doing things more naturally, keeping up better.  4 patients is still optimum for me, though 5 is a more normal load.  i am GETTING there, but i still feel super inside my head.  how do i break that?  i had a dream about being in my head and missing the obvious the night before the IV incident.  and yet i missed it anyway.  do i have early onset Alzheimer’s?  i am just “full”.  my fellow nurses are generally SO much younger than me.  i want to be an ICU nurse, i can’t miss the obvious in that case.  is this just being overwhelmed by a new career and environment?

no one ever wrote me to tell me whether i was an outwardly emotional person previously.  my friends here in austin comment regularly about how closed i am.  just blows my mind.

i have taken the last 2 days easy.  tonight i am having dinner with a friend, but last night i stayed home and made dinner (sort of, i used a roasted chicken from the store to make curry…it was yummy anyway).  it feels good to not do anything.

i posted some life goals on FB today.  i want to 1) be a great nurse, 2) learn to communicate my needs well, 3) get control over my spending , and 4) stay happy, because i am right now.  many people have liked my post.  no one has commented.  how to get there.

fashion is getting to be more and more important in my life again.  i dress up quite a bit on my off days.  this does not help with goal #3.  but it feels good.  i want to put things on my locker at work.  everyone has sayings and pictures of their family.  i don’t think they would like my quotes much and our family has never been the portrait types.  i thought of putting my victorian gothic photo up, but that might scare them.  how do i express myself to my co-workers?