i am on autopilot a lot. or at least very inside my head. example: patient asked for a koband around his arm to hold his IV in place. i started to wrap it, when the day nurse noticed that the catheter had come completely out. basically the IV came out and was attached only by tape. but i was so intent on doing JUST what i was asked, i didn’t look at anything else. is this because i am so tired? is it because i am scared of making mistakes? it seems like i do this a lot. like i am too inside my head. i am going to make skills cards to carry around with me. just items to remind me what to check when i am doing things for patients. for instance, to take vitals BEFORE i do to pick-up blood (if their temp is too high, you can’t transfuse and i just have to take the blood back to the blood bank…waste of time and bad handling). i certainly feel BETTER at the office. i am doing things more naturally, keeping up better. 4 patients is still optimum for me, though 5 is a more normal load. i am GETTING there, but i still feel super inside my head. how do i break that? i had a dream about being in my head and missing the obvious the night before the IV incident. and yet i missed it anyway. do i have early onset Alzheimer’s? i am just “full”. my fellow nurses are generally SO much younger than me. i want to be an ICU nurse, i can’t miss the obvious in that case. is this just being overwhelmed by a new career and environment?
no one ever wrote me to tell me whether i was an outwardly emotional person previously. my friends here in austin comment regularly about how closed i am. just blows my mind.
i have taken the last 2 days easy. tonight i am having dinner with a friend, but last night i stayed home and made dinner (sort of, i used a roasted chicken from the store to make curry…it was yummy anyway). it feels good to not do anything.
i posted some life goals on FB today. i want to 1) be a great nurse, 2) learn to communicate my needs well, 3) get control over my spending , and 4) stay happy, because i am right now. many people have liked my post. no one has commented. how to get there.
fashion is getting to be more and more important in my life again. i dress up quite a bit on my off days. this does not help with goal #3. but it feels good. i want to put things on my locker at work. everyone has sayings and pictures of their family. i don’t think they would like my quotes much and our family has never been the portrait types. i thought of putting my victorian gothic photo up, but that might scare them. how do i express myself to my co-workers?