i am on autopilot a lot.  or at least very inside my head.  example: patient asked for a koband around his arm to hold his IV in place.  i started to wrap it, when the day nurse noticed that the catheter had come completely out.  basically the IV came out and was attached only by tape.  but i was so intent on doing JUST what i was asked, i didn’t look at anything else.  is this because i am so tired?  is it because i am scared of making mistakes?  it seems like i do this a lot.  like i am too inside my head.  i am going to make skills cards to carry around with me.  just items to remind me what to check when i am doing things for patients.  for instance, to take vitals BEFORE i do to pick-up blood (if their temp is too high, you can’t transfuse and i just have to take the blood back to the blood bank…waste of time and bad handling).  i certainly feel BETTER at the office.  i am doing things more naturally, keeping up better.  4 patients is still optimum for me, though 5 is a more normal load.  i am GETTING there, but i still feel super inside my head.  how do i break that?  i had a dream about being in my head and missing the obvious the night before the IV incident.  and yet i missed it anyway.  do i have early onset Alzheimer’s?  i am just “full”.  my fellow nurses are generally SO much younger than me.  i want to be an ICU nurse, i can’t miss the obvious in that case.  is this just being overwhelmed by a new career and environment?

no one ever wrote me to tell me whether i was an outwardly emotional person previously.  my friends here in austin comment regularly about how closed i am.  just blows my mind.

i have taken the last 2 days easy.  tonight i am having dinner with a friend, but last night i stayed home and made dinner (sort of, i used a roasted chicken from the store to make curry…it was yummy anyway).  it feels good to not do anything.

i posted some life goals on FB today.  i want to 1) be a great nurse, 2) learn to communicate my needs well, 3) get control over my spending , and 4) stay happy, because i am right now.  many people have liked my post.  no one has commented.  how to get there.

fashion is getting to be more and more important in my life again.  i dress up quite a bit on my off days.  this does not help with goal #3.  but it feels good.  i want to put things on my locker at work.  everyone has sayings and pictures of their family.  i don’t think they would like my quotes much and our family has never been the portrait types.  i thought of putting my victorian gothic photo up, but that might scare them.  how do i express myself to my co-workers?

i use to be a very emotional person.  at least i think i was.  people who have known me a long time, please report back.  now, it seems, i am cold and unfeeling.  i hear this from a number of people.  apparently, i am good at anger and annoyance, but nothing else.  well passion.  i am good at passion, but nothing else.  when i broke down in the therapist’s office, over my parents being reluctant to help me at the end of school, my therapist seemed surprised.  people are certainly surprised when i tell them about it.  i came UNGLUED.  just cried uncontrollably.  anyhow, i do generally keep my emotions to myself as much as possible.  i have certainly not been overly effusive about anyone intimately since patrick and i split.  of course, i haven’t meet anyone i just totally fell for.  generally it has been lust since my divorce.  did my divorce break me that way?  am i afraid to love and effuse because of what happened with patrick?  or is it simply that i haven’t met anyone effuse-worthy?  or have i ignored possibilities because i am broken?  i do realize that i have gotten more matter-of-fact in my older age.  but doesn’t everyone?  i like the idea of being in love.  i like the idea of butterflied in the stomach and longing to see someone again.  but at the same time…do i actually believe that is a good idea?  the two boys i can think of being interested in dating both have girlfriends, and even if they didn’t, i don’t know that they would want to date me (pretty confident they would want to have sex with me though…i am starting to think this is a problem…)  as i have posted several times, my life is good, i really can’t complain (with the exception of my teeth, but that is the next paragraph) and yet, it seems like things aren’t quite right.  that perhaps i am heading for a fall.  i guess i’ll just pick-up from there when it finally happens.  i would really like to be in love.

and yet when i sit down to write, i can’t get it out.

i had a good week at work.  the nasty nurse was in a good mood and nice to me.  i have realized that the way the rest of them deal with it is they ignore her.  they are experienced enough nurses that they don’t need her help, so they don’t have to deal with her.  i am not so lucky.  i am getting better though.  i am totally getting there.  now i just need to find a better sleeping situation when i am in temple.  the floor at sarakay’s is just not cutting it.  of course, if i start working only 2 days in a row, i might be able to deal with driving home to sleep.

my life is out of control still.  i had really expected things to go back to normal when i graduated.  perhaps my life was never under control though?

someone stole my iPhone out of my coat pocket on election day.  i was a poll worker, helping people vote.  jane (the iPhone, dick the iPod and spot the iPad) was in the pocket of my coat hanging on the chair behind a table.  it HAD to be a poll worker who stole it.  no one else would have known it was there.  it was SO disappointing.  and they knew all about the “find my iPhone” app, because they turned the phone off.  but i called AT&T and had them block the phone.  if they know how to jailbreak it, they could do that and then put it on another service, but if not, at least the phone is useless to them now.  perhaps they will take the phone to an AT&T or Apple store to try and get it fixed, at which point i would get it back.  but even still, i paid for the new one, so i am out the money.  which sucks.  i was defending the constitution!

i had another tooth break.  my EX-dentist SUCKS.  i have an appointment with my new dentist today, but i doubt it will be good news.  and i am getting so far under with debt that i am really not sure what i am going to do (besides destroy my credit rating).  i am starting to develop a fear of my teeth randomly falling out too.  i have lost 2 in the last 3 months and already know that another isn’t very stable.  i sure wish these could be back teeth instead of front teeth.

KS Austin may be at an end.  the home owners just had a baby and though they TALK about wanting to continue, i think they will change their minds.  i am at a loss of where else to have the party.  it is a BIG ordeal and not a lot of people are that dedicated.  of course, i did find A&D, so perhaps i will find someone else.  and perhaps i will just ask andreas if he wants to host the party again.  it would be sad to have to limit attendance, but it is better than nothing.  i would step out of hostessing completely.  it would be grand to attend the party myself!

it seems that more and more the relationship i am looking for is one that resembles an old married couple.  a partnership where we have our own things and come together just as a way of living our lives.  i want comfort.  i want low maintenance.  i want someone i can just “be” with.  whereas previously i was very big on supporting people emotionally, i am not as big on it anymore.  at least lately.  i don’t have the energy.  perhaps most of life is like this and i have just had it really easy up to this point.  perhaps life is USUALLY this exhausting and time consuming.  and i realize that you can’t just suddenly have a comfortable relationship.  you have to work up to that.  but i don’t seem to be willing to put in the energy right now.  which may just mean that i am not ready for a relationship.  i am 43 years old though.  i mean, seriously, when WILL i be ready?  can i really keep playing my life away?  when do i get too old for this?  i sure like sex though.

my financial position is getting worse and worse.  between my expensive plane tickets to NYC and back, plus iPhone, plus teeth, i don’t know whether i will be able to pay my amex bill.  which sucks.  i made it through nursing school and got a job, only to run out now.  and my BSN program.  ugh!  i hate it and am behind in this second course already.  i can’t drop out though.  if i drop out i have to start paying on my school loans and i just can’t afford that right now.  i am just so tired.  i just want to have nothing to do but work and sleep and socialize for just a little while.  just a little catch up.  i plan to do some extra days in december.  hopefully i can do a bunch of financial catch-up that way.

my life is good in general though.  these various problems will get solved.  life will go on.  i will find my way one way or another.