volunteering at fantastic fest. this year i have been with the transportation team. drove one of the subjects from the documentary “american scream” round to buy items for the haunted house he was creating for the premier. mannie was quite the character. i also picked up the team from hellfjorde. they explained it as a cross between twin peaks and hot fuzz. sounds fabulous to me. and one of the was SUPER cute. but i was too tired to pursue it.
tonight i drove the hotel shuttle. i told my boss we needed a b-plan for the keys in case I couldn’t get into the alamo after my last run. she assured me i would be able to. wrong.
i dread going to work. it isn’t the patients. i am not that freaked out about missing something either. it is some of the staff. they are just mean and unhelpful and often ignore me. it isn’t me, it is the staff. i have talked to other nurses about it. but being that i am still new and not as efficient as i need to be, well, it makes work not fun. i did have 2 patients want to take me home (in a good way). and i am learning more and more. just wish nurses were nicer to each other.
life is good otherwise. home life is a little stressful as things aren’t quite under control yet. there may be a conversation that needs to be had. i do have a wonderful lover (or two). just nice, mellow time spent exploring pleasure. not a lot more i can ask for, really. if i think about what i don’t get from them, well, we don’t spend that much time together. but, that is as much my crazy life as our relationships. if i “really” needed their support, i think i would mostly get it. the bigger thing missing is commitment. again see: my crazy life. and what would i want to change were commitment to come into play? i am not really sure. i am leaning towards these are the best types of relationships for me (though i would still like to crawl into bed with someone when i get home from work).
doing things right is very important to me. so important that i think sometimes i lose out of the experience of what i am going because i am trying so hard to do it right. i was taking blood from a pt this week and suddenly realized i wasn’t wearing gloves. i then put some on but wondered why i had forgotten that step. i think it is because i was concentrating so hard on doing it right. making sure that i was maintaining as much sterility as possible and doing it quickly. as i reflected on this i realized that happens to me a lot. of course, the next natural question is, how do i know what is “right”? i mean, isn’t wearing gloves to protect myself from exposure and pts from contaminants “right” too? in working on projects and in teams, i think i also super focused on doing the “right” thing. perhaps so much so that i missed other things just as “right”. or perhaps, it is as i have been accused in the past, and i am focusing in a black and white matter on what is “right”. let me just say now, i am awesome. as with most people, even my flaws are often the second side of the double edged sword of greatness. but, perhaps, this striving for “rightness’ (and i don’t mean this in the sense of “i am right and you are wrong” it is in the sense of doing things the most correct) is keeping me apart from experiencing things? focusing too broadly is harder for me though. well, not harder, slower. if i focus on what is “right” about an experience, then i focus more narrowly. then i can move more quickly through the steps that are not as “right”. but then i end up without gloves on. in the last couple of years i have considered that i am impatient. that i would have done much better in school and life if i had more patience. perhaps these things are tied together. of course, at this point in nursing, i am struggling to be faster and more efficient. and if i can just get all the “right” parts down, i will be. right? hm. i feel like there is something significant here, but it is just out of reach.
damn, i really need to update my photo. i’ll start getting back on that soon. my new digital camera should arrive soon (my old one broke and this was on sale at target)