went to 80s night tonight to get some exercise, get some 80s and stay awake. and yet, all the music felt off. the place just did not click for me. it made me feel sad. so i went home.
boytoy is out of town getting is commercial pilot license. it’s funny, i feel lonely without him. which makes no sense, since he is a boytoy and not a boyfriend. and i don’t think it is that i have been fooling myself. i greatly enjoy ross’ company, but we are in SUCH different spaces. i do wonder though, if distracting myself with him, to the extent that i do, is keeping me from something else? a group of my female friends from school suggested that i need to stop hanging around with boys who i am not serious about give time to boys who COULD be serious. not that there really are any of those right now. and it seems to me that a girl who isn’t longing, is more attractive. somehow more mellow, which would mean fewer social mistakes? i have blogged about not really feeling the need for a partner, but is that because the edge is off hanging out with ross? don’t get me wrong, i have no intention of putting off ross because i think it might be holding me back. making myself feel desperate is not the formula for finding a boyfriend. but, there are a couple of other gentlemen that would like to spend some time with me, and i wonder, is that a good idea? i would certainly enjoy their company, but would it just be putting me off all that much more? the two i have in mind, specifically, live out of state. and though they have both show interest in me beyond a weekend, the fact is, they live out of state. but intimacy is fun! and shouldn’t life have as much fun as possible? one might argue that i am sub-optimizing my fun. taking the instant gratification route. then there is kyle. kyle is staying with me for a couple of days to a couple of weeks while the state gets their heads out of their butts and inspects his new apartment. i think i have mentioned before that kyle and i are a like a married couple. a married couple that doesn’t have sex. so i certainly get some of my relationship feeling need from that. it is fun too. perhaps i need to break that off too? but i ENJOY these relationships! why would i give up something i enjoy?! it is hard to find good relationships, and though these are not complete relationships, any one of them alone, they are positive experiences and we all need as much of that as possible. maybe the lonely feeling i feel tonight is simply that my body is still adjusting to my new schedule. or maybe PMS. my first bout of PMS off the hormone. whatever. i am going to keep enjoying the relationships i have and just remain open to the possibilities otherwise. ideas and suggestions are appreciated though. perhaps there is something obvious that i am missing.