med surg final today. i feel i passed. that is all that matters. the more interesting thing is what i did after the test. i went to scott and white (the hospital in temple) and introduced myself to the nurse manager that i have been playing phone tag with regarding a GN position on her floor. now she has a name and face. she said she would pull my stuff today and call me to set up a peer interview. she wants to be sure her team works well together. i totally respect that! i then went to another floor. i had sent this nurse director a message but received no reply. thought i would try anyway. and i ended up with an impromptu interview and a nurse shadow set up for may 17th! woohoo! seems like a good sign. still going to follow up on those 4 positions i called about last week, but this was encouraging.

my stalker is back. and at this point, he (or she) is getting weird. let’s recap…in the first message the stalker expressed the following:

“to the mistress: who would you wish there weren’t unspoken barriers you could get past, who you have real feelings for, in a world full of otherwise disposables?

i would be unwise to place trust without protecting the question first. the heather i know would agree with this philosophy as she puts to practice.

and you need to be protected from the possibility that who you’re replying to is not gettting your answer without actually being that person.

so you can be assured that the answer can only be figured out by that person, instead of replying with a name, reply with something you’re reasonably sure only that person would know (and exclusive enough the reader knows it couldn’t be anyone else you meant).

this way, if the person you write to here isn’t who you’d hoped it was, it’s nobody’s loss. nobody has to continue beyond the answer.”

what does this sound like to you readers? does this sound like someone who is just looking for a friend? not to me. this sounds like someone who is afraid to express their love (or that thing we get into when we first have feelings for someone). as you may remember, readers, i told q. doe to leave me alone if they weren’t going to be honest with me and tell me who they were. and then, a couple of days ago, i received another message. only this one is about job advice:

“maybe it’s possible that most of the hiring processes so far have at least someone involved whom, either from their own conservative tendencies, or from their perceptions of other teammate’s tendencies, have made pre-judgments about you based on information they have seen about you in your internet presences and blog writings. they most of the time won’t give you constructive negative feedback for too many reasons to list: liability concerns, hiring practices controversies, mere awkwardness and/or messiness in the face of unknown or feared reactions to their feedback, etc, etc, etc. unfortunately it is my experience that no one of a sizeable employer wants to take even the slightest risk in telling you really really why they didn’t hire you. so in this case it probably is just the case, perhaps more for you than you’d wish for, that you have to just fight harder, keep getting up from each soul-draining rejection, and be a billion times more tenacious than your peers in never ceasing in your efforts to find a yes amidst a sea of nos. surely you will eventually find the hiring person out there who’ll be willing to place the bet that is choosing to hire you that the real you is the person that will meet and exceed their needs. or you won’t, if the person(s) that would take the chance on the real you doesn’t/don’t exist out there, within the scope and stamina of your sales of yourself efforts. life really sucks oftentimes, and our only weapon to meet the suckitude truly is sheer grit and constitution. and getting by with a little help from our friends. although past a certain point we can’t eat and sleep on grit and our own constitution, in which case we compromise, fold, and/or cry/lament our predicament(s). some people deal with 99%+ of their seeking approval from others efforts met with cold, careless, unfeeling rejection. for this, “courage wolf” was invented. if you do not know about courage wolf, there’s a googling in your near future.”

notice the different writing style? anyhow, i sent a reply, then a provocative email. this was part of his/her reply:

“you didn’t want to receive emails from anonymous. heh.

i’d rather not feel the weight of identity confining my ability to say what i really think.

you are the opposite of this kind of personality – i know and understand that.

that’s why i really haven’t intended to communicate anymore, because I acknowledge the incompatibility. i only communicated because i felt like i was bursting with a want to say something. because you seem to be really struggling, and that situation you’re struggling with blows. this is the only way i know how to express the kind of truthful empathy without the self-censorship i would otherwise apply as identified. like when there’s a box one can put written comments/feedback to management who wants a way for people to say what they really want to (or even see if people actually care at all, not just pretend they care out of feeling obligated to do so).”

“i acknowledge the incompatibility”. ok. still sounds like more than friends. and really, you want to be friends but you can’t tell me who you are until i tell you that you are the person i dream of having a special relationship with? so i send back the following (just a piece of it, the rest of the email explains how my friends are more concerned than i am):

“how on earth could we ever date if you won’t be honest with me if i know who you are? do you really feel, if you’re “the one” that it will magically keep insecurities and problems with relationship communication at bay? i feel that makes no sense what so ever. it isn’t who they are, it is what you are afraid to lose.”

and THIS is what i get in reply…

“heather, what makes you think i want to date you?

i’ve never said a thing that says i wish to date you. is it just unfathomable to you that this person might just care about you witthout an interest to be involved with you in that way? just because a person is attractive doesn’t mean others must an inability to not be interested in that dimension. we are animals, yet we are also different than animals. a person matured to master their own passions i feel can participate in richer involvement with the world. things can be more genuine, more clear.

i truly must stop writing you, if you continue to conceive this is a feeling out towards a date or even a “hookup” (i hate that term, but its descriptive here).

i care, but that’s just it. care.

anyway, take it easy, and keep on trucking'”

seriously?! you, who is too cowardly to admit who you are, are getting mad at me for assuming that no one would remain such a mystery and require such proof of my thinking you’re special (see first email from q. doe) to simply talk to me as a caring friend, but actually be looking for something more?! what are “real feelings” (first email) exactly? seems a little heavy for something that happens just in friendships? NOW i am concerned, because this is NOT rational behavior in my book. this is changing attitudes after the fact. this is panicked word play. wow, just wow. now i really do want you to leave me alone q. doe, because you are starting to scare me. and i hope that you find a way to be yourself to people when you are with them. generally, it means better, stronger, more satisfying relationships.

oh, and p.s. q. doe….if you know me well enough, you know i don’t go for “hook-ups” so it is rather telling, that you don’t know me very well at all, to suggest so.