so a classmate got a call for an interview at the floor where i interviewed but didn’t get hired because it was “a tough decision” but there were only so many positions and they were now full. then 2 weeks later she gets a call for an interview. and she got it. she didn’t even WANT to work on a teley floor. i convinced her to go to the interview, if only for practice. at this point though, no one really turns down jobs.
i just feel lied to. another case of something being wrong with me but no one being willing to tell me what it is so i can try and fix it. i want to be happy for my classmates, but it is so hard. i think i am awesome. does all this rejection mean i am wrong? and do NOT say to me “it just means the right thing hasn’t come up”. what would be WRONG about a position at st david’s main? someone explain to me what i am doing wrong so i can change it and do it right. i just want to be wanted. it is the story of my life.
p.s. haven’t heard back from my dad. either he didn’t like my email (which seemed mild to me, i just answered some questions) or his wife won’t let him help me. oh well.
this friend feels they have found their calling: the restoration of civilized, adult discourse…lamenting the death of reasoned debate and the rise of lurid shouting matches”
i found this amusing as he recently compared aspects of my lifestyle to adulterers and drug addicts. of course, it wasn’t a political or ethical topic, per se. it was simply my lifestyle. it wasn’t a shouting match, as it was via email and no capitalization was used. but it was certainly a mindless insult. and when i pushed back, he did, as he always does, he ran and hid. anyhow…he suggested that people should get together and discuss the world in a civilized manner. i challenge that this would really work. the underlining sentiment being “you called me an adulterer and drug addict, that was civil just because you didn’t shout it?” but with a higher point of, how is this possible, what will it achieve? then i decided that i shouldn’t post it because, though i believe my points are quite valid, i don’t see a use in challenging his hypocrisy and potentially derailing that which is, in its raw form, a great idea.
didn’t want to abandon it completely though….
i suppose this could be a topic for such a Friday night, but, how do we defend ourselves when those we are talking to malign us unfairly? Should we simply turn the other cheek? Though i agree that discourse should be civil, just because a voice isn’t raised, doesn’t mean one is acting civilly. Should we start to see those whose opinions we find ignorant and wrong “poor lost souls” and just continue to try and save them from the ignorance? i am not arguing for screaming, yelling and name calling, but how do we let go the insult of others ignorance? And aren’t there numerous topics, such as gun control, where ample evidence can be provided by each side and, in a sense, it comes down to opinion? i do love the idea. i just feel trapped by today’s society.
i am going to start tracking my weeks. this week, on the not so hot side: i still didn’t find a job. not sure what my financial situation is going to end up being. had a mediocre interview at st david’s south. the OB exam did not go so well. on the positive side: got to the gym 3 times, got a 90 on my med surg exam (this takes a LOT of pressure off the final), had my lease app accepted, dressed up in a “naked-ish” outfit of lace and went to a burlesque show with the boy toy, studied, studied, studied with my friend kyle (and nagged him and he didn’t even mind). after the med surg exam i felt MUCH better. that was really nice. ironically, this is the teacher i studied HOURS and HOURS for at the beginning of the term (cardiology) and only ended up doing mediocre (80). did not study nearly as much and did much better. go figure.
the end is nie. only it is a good end. 9 more days until the term is over. 11 until my pinning. so far 11 of my friends have signed up to attend my pinning. i think some of them don’t realize it is an hour away. and they would have to leave at about rush hour. even if they don’t make it, i am very excited!
it is hard to focus these days. i think about finding a job, a lot. but my mind is wandering to just not being under the gun with school. of course, i will be under the gun for the NCLEX as soon as school is out. but i am not as worried about that. i dunno. i just want to be able to make dinner and watch hulu without feeling horribly guilty. i want to be like normal people.
this week was full of rejection. there were a couple of bright spots. i did get an interview at st david’s south. it isn’t with the manager that i expected to call me, but still, it is a med surg floor and i am excited. had a great conversation with an HR person at brownwood. she is going to present me to the DON (director of nursing). and i am getting a recommendation from an instructor for that job. my housing situation seems to have been worked out. my new landlord is amazing. i am paying him 3 months in advance, plus deposit. had to max out a credit card to do it, but, that is just the reality right now. got to hang out with my friend kyle. boy toy called and offered to rub my feet. my classmates gave me lots of hugs in class when i started to cry because of an email i received. some of them have even offered some financial support (lots have offered rooms). so those were certainly bright spots. OH! and my rotation was in the ICU. it was amazing. i am definitely going to be working towards working in the ICU. yep, definitely.
my financial position is getting more bleak. i really need a job. i really WANT a job. i asked for some help this week and received a less than enthusiastic response. not quite the love i was hoping for. but something. also, a classmate received a call about an interview on the floor at St David’s that didn’t end up hiring me. of course, i was told there weren’t any more positions, but that doesn’t seem to be the truth. which is disappointing and seems terribly unprofessional. meanwhile more of my classmates get offers for their dream jobs. got the last two “thanks, but no thanks” emails from the positions i applied for at S&W. scored one point LESS on my second comprehensive exam. it was disappointing because i felt it had gone better this time. so much rejection. this is supposed to be this great moment in my life. i am accomplishing the biggest challenge i have ever attempted. i am going to be a nurse. and yet, i feel like the universe doesn’t care much. randomness seems to be getting me, even though i am fighting to make myself noticed as much as possible.
had an interview at a long-term rehab facility on friday. seems like they would offer me the job, but i don’t do much nursing. the RNs had out the narcotics, but mostly just deal with problems otherwise. though it is certainly caring for a vulnerable population, it isn’t very much nursing. i won’t get to use my skills much. i don’t feel i will learn much beyond the basics. it is nice to be wanted, for sure. that felt really nice. it was great to connect with people finally. but the pay is very low for this sort of facility as well. 2 more hospitals are possible. i am going to hang on to those. (my friend shirley has been helping a lot with non-hospital facilities. this woman is seriously connected.)
i just breath deep and keep moving. or at least i try. what i would like right now is a nap, honestly.
i realized something this week about gifts. i suppose it is sort of core to my entire personality. one of the things i asked of patrick in couples counseling was that he thought of me. by that i mean, do things, say things, that show, he was thinking of me. a gift example. gifts with us were always sort of a problem. patrick and i had different ideas. i would envision something one way, and he would envision it another. so, for instance, if he had something made for me, or made something for me, it generally wasn’t what i had asked for. at least, not in my mind. and that made me sad. it was like he wasn’t listening to me. i think the best gift he ever got me was finding the next NIN show in europe after the show we flew to england for was canceled. i didn’t ask him to do it, he just did it. he found me trains to get there too. it was awesome. he bought we a t-shirt once too. i had seen it and mentioned it, it had a shadow of lloyd dobler holding up the boom box from “say anything”, and then one day this envelope arrived for me and it was the t-shirt. he had remembered. he had remembered me. and i think i have realized, that is what i want in a relationship. the sense that someone remembers me. that they see things, and think of me. it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift or a fancy gift. this summer, for my birthday, my nursing classmates bought me a 6-pack of diet coke (i hadn’t given it up yet). and that was just the nicest gift, because it was totally me. i just want to be remembered.
i really must have been atilla the hun in a previous life. that, or i have been this really horrible person in this life and just don’t get it. i feel like i have worked hard. i have tried. there are lots of things i am not good at, but i have tried. i don’t think that i live in anymore denial than most people. actually, i have always felt i lived in less. and yet, as hard as i have worked, it just feels like i am walking down that tunnel and the light is coming faster and faster. i need a job. i need it so bad. i have a little money left, and if i cover all my obligations it will be gone by june. should i stop paying my bills? or is a job around the corner. i need to move, but it doesn’t make sense for someone to rent to me if i don’t have a job lined up. do i start selling my things? or should i just have faith? i don’t want to do anything rash but i want to be sure i am being as careful as possible. i obviously need help, but i have no idea what to ask for. and how do you ask for help when EVERYTHING is falling apart? i am a smart and useful girl. what did i do to find myself in a position, at 42 years-old, where i am looking at not being able to pay my obligations at best, and homeless at worst? i can’t believe i was such a bad person. and if this is just bad luck, well, what happens now?
before i left san francisco, i had a panic moment. i acquired strep throat and it took TWO courses of antibiotics to kill it. i was miserable. mostly i am an illness denial person, but when i am really sick, i become a complete wuss. TOTAL wuss. patrick came over to my apartment to make sure that i ate. i said to him, “what if i get sick like this in austin? i don’t know anyone. who will help me?” he replied that i made friends easily and if i was that sick he would come down a take care of me. that made me feel better. but now i am sick, really sick. it is unbelievable how fast this came on. i feel miserable. i don’t want to move or eat. i want someone to take care of me. this is the moment i really miss a partner. i mean, i miss love a lot too. but it would just be really nice to have someone here to pet me and tell me i was going to get better. of course, i doubt, if i were still in san francisco, that patrick would be willing to come over and take care of me anymore. and when i got a 48 hour stomach bug a few years ago, andreas was really awesome. and boy toy has offered to come over this weekend and nurse me. and if i were in DIRE need for help, i can think of a number of people i could call. and yet, i would certainly be nice to have my own nursemaid. when a friend had a outpatient surgery, i spent 2 days at her house to make sure everything was alright. if i heard a friend was sick, i would totally offer to go to the store or come by to see them. is that weird? i would be proactive in helping them. is that too much? that i would like that in return, is that having an unreasonable expectation? boy toy lives almost an hour south, so obviously i wouldn’t expect him to zoom up here during the week. but maybe some friends i have in town? yes, i know you have to let them know. but most of them know. i dunno, this friend behavior hierarchy thing is starting to look like a root in my life’s dissatisfactions. i’ll have to contemplate it more. (oh, my new friend peter did bring me soup last night when i posted a request on FB. that was super-duper awesome of him!)