i studied at least 30 hours for my cardiology exam.  and i think it is highly likely i failed.  now, i know i have said this before.  but last time i did and the time before that i only passed because 4 questions i got wrong got thrown out.  anyhow…this is very frustrating because i did study SO much! what am i doing wrong?  how can i study better? there are seriously not enough hours in the day to do all the studying i want to do, so what do i need to do?

i burst into tears on the clinical floor on tuesday.  i had 3 clients.  one needed next to no help.  and i still couldn’t seem to manage to get it all done.  i couldn’t even efficiently do a bed bath for a very nice 84 year-old woman!  i have been doing this for 4 SEMESTERS!  sure, i am still pretty new, but i feel like i should have improved.  i did manage to get vital signs, though had to go back for respirations for 2 people (always forget those….WHY?!!!)  i used to be a project manager.  i used to be the most organized human being on earth (next to Vivian)!  and now i can’t even remember to do all my assessment steps?  i am constantly afraid of doing things for clients.  afraid i am going to do something i am not supposed to, and hurt them.  yes, it will get better with time…but do i have time for that?  we are talking about PEOPLE here.  yes, i realize all nurses will make mistakes.  but really, should i be starting out so bumbling?  sure, ultimately i don’t have to go into floor nursing.  i could be a doctor’s office or whatever.  but i want to be the best nurse i can.  and to do that i feel i need to do a couple of years of the floor.  and yet, i feel like, like i shouldn’t for the sake of all those involved.  yes, i talked to my teacher.  her only comment was i was fine.  not helpful.  people people, when trying to comfort someone, don’t just say it will be fine or their great or it’ll all work out.  that is the antithesis of helpful unless YOU can ensure it works out.  saying positive things, good.  making unsupportable statements of nicety, not good.  so what do i do?  crying on the clinical floor is not terribly professional.  but i am not sure what to do to get better.

probably would have helped my cardiology test if i hadn’t gotten the “thanks, but no thanks” email from the advisory board just before the exam.  they could have at least interviewed me in person.  haven’t heard about the tech job yet too and we are going on thursday.  this week is pretty crushing, really. (though i did get an awesome and awesomely timed valentine’s day card from mathew and rothko.  boy toy brought me flowers on saturday night, though we then had a slight communication problem that made me feel weird.  the flowers are awesome though)

i have an OB test tomorrow.  SO not interested, but there you go.  got to get to that.  today i thought that perhaps if i failed out the term (and please, PLEASE do not leave a trite comment like “oh heather, you’ll be fine” .  i am tired of people ignoring how i feel about things) but got the tech job, i could be a tech for a year, work full-time, get excellent at it and repeat my final semester.  that i might feel more confident, comfortable and do better.  better for everyone.  it did take me 6-months to start ramping up at HP.  then i kicked-butt, but healthcare feels kinda different.  especially with the patient loads we have.  fuck i wish i had a partner who could help study and conquer this.

estimated delivery date = 1 day of LMP + 7 days + 9 months (LMP = last menstrual period)