well, i got my wish and my last med surg rotation is on the oncology floor.  i am pretty excited about this, while being freaked out by all i have to do this term.  we have started with cardiology, which is fascinating, but complicated.  the teacher has forgotten what it is like not to know the material, which is frustrating and makes lectures hard to follow.  but it IS all incredibly fascinating.  and i love that.

i applied for 3 student nurse positions at st david’s, in austin, this week.  i need to just get into a hospital setting more.  got turned down for one 12 hours later.  a classmate that works there is going to check into things for me this weekend.  it will make me feel just a little bit better to have a job.  so, even if i fail this semester, i would have some sort of income.

we have started OB.  and, man, do i just really never want to have kids! the misery of the end of pregnancy and birth. yuck! your tailbone can snap off, you are in pain all the time.  the first stage of labor you are basically practicing holding it in, while in horrible pain.  no thank-you.

i am still fearful i won’t pass  med surg this term.  remember people, i SQUEAKED by last term and this term is even more demanding.  i have starte breaking things down into itty bitty steps.  and i write down everything that needs to be done.  it is like i can’t member action items at all anymore.  i am hoping this is just a temporary nursing school thing. i certainly started to go down hill when i started nursing school.  maybe the vit D i have start taking will help.

i feel this tiny piece of thread coming up raveled inside.  i have no idea how to stop it.  i want to ask for help, but i don’t know who to ask or what to ask for.  how do you figure that out?

i was so busy during break.  and it wasn’t studying.  when break started, i thought i was going to be bored.  not so much.  i think i gained 5 pounds too (and not just because of all the polish food at grandma’s funeral…damn that was good polish food…)  but i am back in school now.  and WOW.  is this term going to be nutso.  seriously.  volunteer time, cardiology, neurology, professional group attendance, 2 days as charge nurse, clinicals, OB, research paper.  SO much to do.  i wish i had an assistant.  but this is the last term.  of course, one of our instructors informed us that there is no longer a nursing shortage in texas.  there is a shortage of EXPERIENCED nurses.  and seton, one of the largest groups in texas, has declared it will no longer hire ADN RNs as of 2014.  why does the world get harder minute-by-minute?

the latest KS was this weekend.  i had planned on being Emma Peele (it was a soy theme) but the leather catsuit i have looks more like a russian spy.  so i donned my russian military hat (they were selling EVERYTHING soviet for CHEAP in Hungary when i lived in europe) and went with russian spy.  i was quite clever too.  we had a traitor scene during the midnight entertainment and our traitor never saw it coming!  it was beautiful and awesome and i need to find more people to play with.

i need to write an advance directive.  this is a medical document that says what sort of medical treatments you want/don’t want if you are rendered incapacitated.  just saying.

i dated a bit over the break.  nothing was earth shattering.  i wonder if that is because i just didn’t meet anyone that i connected with, or if the stress of my life just leaves me unable to connect?  i am awfully tired.  i told my therapist this.  i said that i just don’t seem to be able to do everything i used to do.  i used to be able to look at a list of to-do items and put them in the most logical order without even trying.  now i can’t even remember all my action items.  it is discouraging and i don’t know if it is nursing school or age or what.  my therapist suggested that, as i wasn’t depressed (i didn’t express things in a depressed manner) that it might be nursing school or it might be physiological.  she then said she was on a Vit D kick, as she and a number of people she knows have recently discovered a deficiency, or at least really low level.  she started taking fish oil and 6 weeks later felt much better.  it would make sense that my Vit D was low.  i sit indoors and study all the time.  when i am out, i avoid the sun like it’s the plague (which it kinda is for skin).  i don’t drink milk.  so i am trying Vit D supplements.  we’ll see.

we talked about being positive today in class.  we talked about saying to ourselves that we can do it.  that we studied and we have done our best.  i just worry i am not studying right and i could do better.  but i am not sure how.  and i am not sure what resources to tap.  one of the freshman instructors said that she read all the chapters BEFORE the lecture, wrote questions she had as a result of the reading, then just listened during lecture, and went back to write up what she thought AFTER class.  seriously?  there aren’t enough hours in the day.  i am organized (or, well, not so much right now) but with ALL those pages to read!  how is there time!  but i want to do my best.  i am just not sure how.  which is just stupid.  i need to stop writing right now.  i am starting to upset myself.

shoes!

i woke up feeling really alone this morning.  not sure why.  i mean, i graduate in may and have all sorts of people rooting for me.  there all kinds of wonderful people in my life right now.  classmates and goth buddies and improv friends.  i have a wonderful lover.  and yet, i woke up feeling really alone.  i didn’t want to have lunch alone, but i couldn’t think of anyone to call.  the one person i did think of, was “cwampy” (my word).  cwampy sucks.  i felt bad for her.  in the past, this feeling would have caused me to panic.  it didn’t today.  i had things i needed to do, so i focused on those.  sold my bicycle and old bed frame (the princess bed is dead, long live the princess bed!).  went to my happy place (the container store) and target.  had chinese food.  when i used to feel like this, i would panic that no one valued me.  i know people love me, but that is abstract.  to value someone, in my mind, is to want to be with them.  i felt, if i had no one to call, then no one must value me.  weird logic, i agree.  this time the feeling just made me sad.  and it pushed me back towards the partner side of the “what type of intimate relationships do i want” conundrum.  i am uncomfortable thinking i want a partner so i don’t feel alone, but it feels deeper than that.  it isn’t just to avoid feeling alone.  it is to gain a bond.  to experience the positive feeling of connection.  i think now, i am just waiting to find someone who might be the right person, and to start down that path.  so though i felt alone this morning, it’s temporary and really not so bad.

at the new year’s party i attended, people talked a lot about hating 2011. i wasn’t sure i agreed.  i lost two people from my life in 2011 (not dead, just gone).  one is certainly more important than the other.  but they were both big loses regardless.  school was hell.  and yet, i feel like the year wasn’t so bad.  i moved forward.  i did amazing things (besides surviving nursing school).  i spent time with wonderful people.  life is life, things go up and down, get better and worse.  but i am still moving forward.  and it seems to me, that is the best possible outcome.  i was stressed and sad and scared many times.  but i kept moving and it feels good.  am i delusional?

i went to elysium for 80s night tonight.  i even rode my scooter (beauty, the black one).  it wasn’t very crowded.  with tomorrow being a holiday for so many people, i expected it to be packed.  but it seems people were still pooped from saturday night.  it felt good.  not quite enough new wave, for my taste, but i didn’t hear “men without hats” either.  it was nice to be on the dance floor.  i even met a gentleman who can really bust a move!  he has style too.  i also think he is probably young enough to be my child.  but it was a positive night.  even stopped at denny’s on the way home, just like old times.