i usually spend a lot of time writing my blogs. i don’t have a lot of time these days.
thanksgiving was brilliant. i spent way too much money on food, but the party was great. very proud of how it went. everyone enjoyed themselves. not a lot of left-overs. though i did get almost an entire pumpkin pie to myself. i think i’ll make 2 more.
i am starting to rethink partner relationships. the intimate relationships i have right now, feel very good. perhaps i would be better off not having a partner, but having multiple close connections. they don’t all even have to be fully sexual. they could be more about holding or caressing. of course, things are balanced for me right now (even with the not so hot grade % in med surg) and i don’t feel like i need more. that could change any day though. and who would i be able to go to? can’t go to my mom. can’t go to my best friend. there are some people i think i could go to a little. they would be able to help me in a bind, assuming it wasn’t a long commitment. i think most people are willing to help you out, if it won’t take too much energy. but what if i need something longer term? i really don’t have anyone, and yet, i feel ok with that right now. am i delusional? have i achieved enlightenment? (hee, her, that was a joke…i mean, i am still visible) has the fall from grace i have experienced just given me a new patience? am i delusional? oh, i already asked that. that is a bad sign, isn’t it? i liked being married. i just didn’t like the issues we couldn’t seem to resolve. but maybe this whole partnership thing is foolish? and yet, what about when i really need support? and then again, is that all partners are for? i mean, if i can get emotional connection and support from friends, do i just want a partner for those dire moments? if my friendships are deep and satisfying, what is a partner for? i do like the idea of “mine”. but isn’t that fraught with peril? what if something happens and they aren’t mine anymore? i always had complete faith in my bond with patrick. by that i mean, i was never afraid someone else would get in the way. but will i feel like that with the next person? is that just me or does it depend on the bond? i feel jealousy, sure, i think that is natural, but to have it impacted my behavior? will it be worse if i don’t have someone that is “mine”? of course, this is all theoretical as i have no possible partners at this time. and it kinda feels like i won’t for a while. i guess i am wondering how comfortable i should let myself get with the intimate relationships i do have right now. hm.
i feel good and part of me thinks that is a mistake. i guess we’ll know in a little less than 3 weeks.