really, best therapist ever! today i contemplated why all of my long-term relationships started with me saying, “i don’t want to be in a relationship” and then i was in one and then it failed (i use that word to express it ended, but that decision was not mine). is it because sabotaged the relationships by not committing to them to begin with? or was i right, i shouldn’t have gotten into those relationships, and somehow i didn’t stick to my guns? (which isn’t to say i didn’t get good things and wonderful memories from patrick and andreas, the fact still is, they ended and it wasn’t my idea) am i a commitment phobe? i don’t feel like i am. of course, i do feel different now. as i have said in previous posts, i am ready to have a relationship, something i have never said before. and yet i have had them. i am not sure which case it is, but i think figuring it out would be very informative.
we also discussed the idea of when to explain my motivation and when not to. i prefer to explain to people WHY i did/thought/acted like i did. i prefer other people do the same for me. having someone, for instance, not show up to an event they had previously confirmed is very stressful to me. i want to know why. even if it is a bad reason. but most people aren’t that way. and, though it feels good to explain why i do/think/act a certain way, it doesn’t always help. so i am trying to learn when not to do it. it’s hard.
i am not going to chico for christmas! hurrah! too much trouble and too much studying i need to do.
tonight i gave a friend a massage. it was an appropriate massage. and though i wouldn’t like giving free massages every week, they are fun to do sometimes. there is this flow you get into. it’s awesome. not quite a runner’s high, but definitely a groove. we started the evening by dissecting the world around us (one of my favorite pastimes) and then the massage. it was very nearly a perfect evening, really. (my med summary being done would have made it perfect)
i am already behind on my studying. i should have gotten through more of my pedi review by now. there is a party saturday night. my friend troy’s first party since his accident last december. but finding myself behind like this means i might have to skip it. applying for a student nurse position is also on my to-do list. so many things i need to get done. so little time until the NCLEX next may!